No Boys Allowed

A lie that boys are always told is that we’re not allowed to cry. We’re always to suck it up. Be a man. We’re told to never show any weakness. If we do we are labeled as “sissies” “bitches” or my personal favorite, “little girl.” For that reason, most guys don’t open up about how they are feeling.

I hate that. Why aren’t guys allowed to feel anything? Who decided that we have to be the strong ones all the time? Who decided that we have to do everything on our own. What does “be a man” even mean to them?

I’ve lost SO MANY people I care about to depression. The majority of them being men that are too scared to open up. I MYSELF almost succumbed to my depression. There eventually comes a time when bottling everything up just gets to be too much.

I’m sleeping less and less every day. I have trouble even getting out of bed to take care of myself. A lot of things that I used as a vice I can’t even use anymore. It’s like I’ve just shut down and can’t get excited about anything anymore. The worst part about all of this is the fact that I don’t feel like I can tell anyone about this.

I know that isn’t true. Especially now. I have a few friends I can go to when I need help. It just sucks because my anxiety always puts that feeling in the back of my mind. That feeling that tells me that I’m always alone. That feeling that tells me that no one actually cares.

Not many people know this, but I tried killing myself when I was 17 years old. I went to a party and I was planning on swallowing a handful of pills. I chose that party because everyone was drunk, so they wouldn’t notice me in time.

A girl at the party did though. She walked up to me while I was sitting on the balcony. I’ll never forget what she said. She sat down next to me and said “I don’t know you, but I have this weird feeling that you’re about to do something bad.” She saw the pills in my hand, grabbed them and threw them over the balcony. She ended up being my first serious relationship. We sat up there and talked for like 4 freakin hours.

If there is ANY WAY. Any way at all for you to get help, or find someone to talk to. PLEASE do because that would be better than killing yourself. I know everyone deals with things differently, but talking to the right person has always helped me.

-Valken

Ode To The Desolate

Music is one of the biggest inspirations for my writing. It’s hard for me to write without music playing in the background. The song that inspired this post is called “The Lie” by Of Mice and Men. Mainly the chorus of the song, which goes like:

“You’re desolate, and no one cares. As we march ahead towards the end. You’re desolate, and no one cares. As we march ahead towards the end. And over the edge.”

It got me thinking. That’s exactly how it feels. No one really cares. In fact, all they do is criticise you and knock you for it. My question is, why? If you don’t care, why do you think you get to voice your opinion?

If you open with “I don’t care” in any sentence, your opinion automatically becomes invalid. You don’t care to know the reason, yet you think we should just “get over it?” They say that the reasoning doesn’t matter. That’s bullshit. Everything matters. 

I’m desolate because I can’t just walk into huge crowds without being thrown into a huge anxiety attack. I’m desolate because SO many of my past friends decided to leave when things for bad for me. I’m desolate because the song was right. No one cares about how alone you feel all the time. They just want you to feel the same way that they feel. Screw them. 

This is an ode to all the desolate ones our there. No… I don’t know exactly how you feel. We all have our different struggles. I just want to write this to tell you that you are not alone. I may not completely understand, but I am with you still. I at least know what it’s like to feel disconnected from the rest of the world. I think that things might be a little better if we all came together. The shitty thing about that is, it probably won’t happen for that very reason…. 

Anyway, I hope you read this. I hope you take this to heart. I’m here, you’re not completely alone, and you are more amazing than you think. When you think about it, we have the biggest hearts since we care on such a deeper level. Unfortunately, it’s that which makes us desolate in the first place…. Check out the song if you are into rock music and let me know what you think of it.

-Valken

https://open.spotify.com/track/5EDtV5qwmEHFBXjFEnQidk?si=Fz9TdpfvTIuQn6yNrgV8PQ

Sleepless

I don’t sleep at night….

No. Instead I kind of just lay there motionless staring at the ceiling. What am I thinking about? I’m thinking about every place I would rather be other than here. I’m thinking about every mistake I’ve ever made. I’m thinking about tomorrow and if it will suck or not, but most of all, I’m thinking of how the HELL I’m going to get to sleep. 

I don’t sleep at night….

I’m thinking of her. If I didn’t lie and get dumped, would we still be together. Would it even matter? Would I still feel alone every day that I was with her? Would it have mattered that we argued pretty much every day? I don’t think I would be. Even before that day that I was thrown out, I was beginning to not even like her anymore let alone love her. I may still be alone, but at least I feel like I’m better off.

I don’t sleep at night….

I lay there and think of all these ideas that I have for my book that I STILL haven’t put on paper. So many character devolopments. So many new plots. I just can’t fix myself to wrote them down. It’s not like I’m doing anything else since I’m just lying awake most of the time. Maybe I need a new inspiration. Maybe I just need to get my ass up and write it down. At least it would give my insomnia a little more purpose.

I don’t sleep at night….

Where is my mind going this time? Italy? China? Outer Space? Sometimes it’s all of the above. My mind constantly wanders off. I can’t always just focus on one thing at a time. Sometimes though, my mind gets caught in a seemingly infinite loop of the same thought. Sometimes my mind gets so mixed up that I forget where I am, or even WHO I am. I just wish I could fucking sleep.

I don’t sleep at night….

Will I ever be able to? Will my thoughts and feelings ever shut up? Something has GOT to give. I’m so fucking tired of being exhausted all the time. I’m so fucking tired of flaking out on my friends because In always tired. I’m so fucking tired of being sick because of this. I’m just so fucking tired. Please…. just let me fucking sleep.

-Valken

8 Summers

8 Summers ago….

I had FINALLY moved out of my parents house and moved in with a few friends from work. Times were great then. For the first time in so long I was genuinely happy. I no longer had to do things on anyone else’s time but my own. I didn’t feel so alone because I finally had someone to talk to and hang out with. I got to meet a lot of new people because we would have parties almost every weekend. It’s been 8 Summers since I smiled… I miss happiness.

8 Summers ago…

 I had FINALLY got my drivers license. My dad had been trying to teach me how to drive since I was 15. I hated learning from him. He made me nervous as hell because he would yell so loud if I even went ONE MILE over the speed limit. It took so long for me to gain the confidence to have my dad take me to the DMV. Since I was over 21 at the time, I got to do the written and drivers test on the same day if I wanted. It took me 3 freakin tries to pass the written test. Once I finally passed it, I decided to wait to take the drivers test. I failed the test the first time because I accidentally went 45 in a 40 and I turned the wheels the wrong way hill parking. I got to take it the next day thankfully and I passed. I was so happy. It was my birthday when I passed as well and as an added bonus, my parents gave me my first car that day. It’s been 8 Summers since I did that… I miss freedom. 

8 Summers ago…

 I got the courage to finally start talking to girls. I hadn’t had a relationship since high school and the breakup was pretty bad. I ended up meeting the girl that would change my whole outlook on life since then. It was crazy at first. At the time, she was already taken, but for some reason, I still wanted to pursue her. It took a little over 6 months until she was single and we began to talk. When we finally made it official it was so great. She actually asked ME out. She would always come over. We would stay up late just talking. We didn’t even have to be talking about anything specific. We dated for 3 years before it ended. To this day, it was the worst breakup I ever had. It’s been 8 Summers since we first kissed… I miss comfort.

8 Summers ago…

I was 22 then. Time didn’t seem to pass by as fast in those times. I had a car, a girlfriend, and my own place. I couldn’t have been happier. Why did I screw that up? Why did I make it so I lost all of that at the same time? I really need to stop beating myself up about it. I learned a lot of valuable lessons in those times. I finally learned how it was in the real world. I finally learned what most people’s intentions were. I’m 30 years old now. A lot has changed, but not really at the same time. I’m still trying to figure put my life. It sucks, but I just have to keep moving forward. It’s been 8 Summers since my life officially began… I miss who I was back then. 

-Valken 

Brandee (BabyGirl)

It’s like this girl…

I still to this day have no idea where you came from. We just randomly started playing COD together. Never in a million years would I have guessed that you would become such an important part of my life. It’s funny who life throws at you.

I didn’t even think you liked me very much. Next thing I knew, we were staying up late talking. Sometimes till the crack of dawn. We would talk all night about anime, or whatever else was on our minds. I remember that first night we talked. We just shared our favorite pictures of ourselves. You gave me a confidence I didn’t know I had.

What has it been now? Like 4 years? Maybe longer? It’s crazy I’ve known you for so long, yet we haven’t officially met yet. Don’t worry.  I aim to change that soon. You are one of many stops I have to make really soon. 

I wanted to write about you to tell you that I am grateful for every moment I get to speak to you. You have NO IDEA how much you really mean to me. You always seem to have great timing. Almost every time I’m down, I suddenly get a message from you and I forget about whatever is bothering me. I also wanna tell you that even if you didn’t have great timing, it wouldn’t matter because it wouldn’t change how I feel. 

I love you. I hope you enjoy reading this post. Hope to be able to see you soon!

-Valken

Ian

Before I lived in my current apartment, I lived in an apartment complex that used to be a nursing home. It wasn’t so bad despite being filled with mostly old people. I only say that because I thought I would have a lot of noise complaints against me, but ad it turns out, I was pretty quiet most of the time.

The first few weeks kind of sucked because I had no furniture. I had to sleep on the hard floor. They had carpet, but it wasn’t very thick. I might as well have concrete floors, since there wasn’t much of a difference. 

I woke up so sore. Most mornings it took me like 20 minutes just to stand. Sleeping on a floor with a steel hip did not mix at all. I ate all my meals on the floor too. Mostly just bologna sandwiches since I couldn’t afford much better while I was still getting settled in. It was cool though. I was just happy to get out of my Dad’s house.

It wasn’t until I was a few months in that I met Ian. Ian has Autism. He had to have a nurse check on him every night. He couldn’t go to the grocery store, or the library without his nurse with him. Despite all of that, he was one of the kindest souls that I ever had the pleasure of meeting.

Every morning, Ian would yell hi to me from across the room. No matter how far away he was from me. He would then proceed to show me this app on his phone. The app was actually really cool. When you spoke into it normally, it would say what you said backwards. You could also speak backward to it and it would speak back to you normally. He would show it to me every time he saw me. It didn’t bother me at all that he would sometimes show it to me 10 times a day. The reason for that is, I LOVE listening to someone talk about something that they are passionate about, or something that just makes them really happy. It just always makes me feel good to listen to that.

Ian would always tell me that I sound like this guy on a gaming channel on YouTube. I can’t remember the guy’s name, but he swore up and down that I sounded like him. He always used to tell me that I was so well spoken and that I didn’t speak in Ebonics like most of the other black guys he knew. Ian had no filter. 

I didn’t get mad or offended by this because I knew what he meant. I know he will probably never read this post, but in the off chance he does, I hope he knows how much he always brightened my days. I hope he knows that no matter how much he repeated himself, it didn’t matter because I would always listen. 

I don’t see Ian anymore now that I live on a new apartment. That really sucks because these days I can use a pick-me-up. We need more people like Ian in the world. People who are just genuinely kind. I think the world would be a lot better. This is for you, Ian. Miss ya man.

-Valken

Day 23: You Again?

Who are you???

Have you ever dreamt about the same person almost every night? That’s my current situation. I have no idea what it means. It’s always the same girl. She is native with long jet black hair. Yeah I know…. starting to sound like Pocahontas huh? Just hear me out.

In every dream, I’m with her. I’m not sure if we’re married or not, but we DO have a child together. It switches off being a girl or boy. It also keeps switching where we live, which is freakin confusing. 

I hate it. I hate it so much because it’s like my mind is teasing me. Dangling something that isn’t real in front of me. I mean… It can’t be real, right? It sucks because every fiber of my being wants it to be. Has this happens to anyone else? For anyone reading this, let me know.
-Valken

A.K.A. No One Special

What’s up man? Remember me? Nah. Of course you wouldn’t remember me. We were only the best of friends since elementary school. We used to do everything together.

Remember those games we used to play at recess? You know, when we would role play. We made up so many different scenarios. Those were good times. We didn’t have a care in the world. It didn’t even matter who was watching either. 

How about when we started playing kick ball. Those were good and bad. I remember when we got into a fight. I hated that time. I hated not talking to you. I mean…. you were my only friend. It took the teacher noticing that we weren’t talking to finally come to our senses. 

I even remember you coming over to my house a lot because you were getting picked on at home and you wanted to learn how to fight. I knew a little bit, so I taught you a few things. I liked those times because it felt nice to be needed for once.

Hell, I even remember our pact that we made. Don’t you? No? You don’t remember us saying that we were going to build a giant metal beetle and travel around the rainforest collecting insects. It sounds silly now, I know, but back then, I seriously wanted to do that. I even collected all the computer parts and metal pieces I found laying around. We were kids then. Just stupid little kids…or were we? 

Then in middle school, it’s like everything just…ended. We suddenly stopped sitting together at lunch. We stopped waving to each other in the hallway. Soon, we just stopped talking to each other all together. What happend? What changed? Is it something that I did, or said? Our friendship just seemed to phase out for no reason at all. 

I hate that term by the way. Phased out…. It’s such a bullshit reason to me. Look man… I’m just writing to say that I miss those times. I miss my friend. I know that you probably don’t even know who I am anymore. Unfortunately for me… I remember you.

It’s my gift you know. My gift is that I remember everything. My curse is that I remember…everything.

-Valken A.K.A. No One Special

The Existential Crisis of a Depressed Man

Yeah… Go ahead. Scoff at this post. Tell me that depression and anxiety aren’t real mental illnesses. Tell me how I just need to let it go. To suck it up. Tell me how I need to just be happy because there are SO many reasons to be. Tell me how I should just be grateful to be alive. 

Yeah because being alive is the BEST thing in the world right? Not in a world where you’re not allowed to feel anything except for what everyone else feels. Like, yeah, you can be sad, but don’t you DARE be depressed. People seem to do a lot of complaining about how other people are depressed. They call them things like “big babies”, or my favorite recent term, “snowflakes.” 

It’s hilarious how people can turn something as beautiful as a snowflake into a derogatory term. Like what the fuck, people? You’d think hearing this shit enough would make me used to it to the point where I don’t care about it anymore, but you know… depression/anxiety. 

People always think that we are this way just for attention. Who the hell would even wanna FAKE this? I’m not one of those people that just self-diagnosed myself with this. I was diagnosed with both in 2007. They started me on Abilify, which I hated by the way. It basically just turned me into a human vegetable. I would just sit there staring off into space with no coherannt thought going through my head. Hmmm… sounds like the same problem I went through before they prescribed that in the first place. After a couple of more years taking a few more medications that I can’t even pronounce, I just sort of have up.

It fucking sucks when you hit that point. You just sort of stop caring. I’ve lost too many friends in my life to this. I don’t blame them. Not really. You can’t really expect anyone to live through that. The constant mood swings. The days where you sleep for 12-16 hours at a time. You can only HOPE they will still be there. So far, I only have 1 friend that I know for a FACT, will never leave. 

When did everyone else stop caring completely? There was a time in my life where I REALLY hit rock bottom and I had to sleep out of my car. I hated it because there were very few parking lots that you were allowed to sleep in. The part that sucked the MOST was, that people never asked if you were alright. No. They just immediately called the cops. Yeah… I’m sorry that I’m scaring you because I’m broke. I can understand that some people aren’t always innocent, but you didn’t even bother to ask. 

I don’t care what you think of me after reading this(Actually I kinda do). The thing is, I’m trying. I’m trying SO fucking hard to feel better about myself. It just takes time and less negative criticism. Anyways… Gotta go. Lunch break over.

-Valken

30

Auto pilot engage….

Have you ever spaced out for a second?Like maybe you lost a couple of seconds with no idea why? Well… Try spacing out an entire DAY. I still have no idea how I managed to do this. The fucked up part about it is that I ride a bike to work, so I have no idea how I’m even alive. I guess it’s a good thing that I stick to the sidewalk the whole ride.

I’ve had a lot of trouble focusing lately. Mainly on the things that normal adults find important. You know…things like bills, work, eating, sleeping. I SHOULD find those things important, but I have been having trouble caring about any of those things. I think it’s safe to say that things are getting bad again and of course, I don’t know why.

What does it truly mean when some says “grow up”, or “act your age?” A lot of people seem to throw those words around. Most of the time, they are making a lot of the same mistakes that you are. Being an adult doesn’t mean you’re not gonna make any mistakes. It means that when you do, you handle them in a way that isn’t too rash, or destructive. Well… That’s my opinion on it anyway. It’s vague I know, but sometimes it’s hard for me to put things into words.

30 years old. I can’t believe it. Why does it always seem like the years fly by when you don’t want them to? So much has happened in the last 5 years, yet at the same time, nothing has. I still kind of feel like I’m trapped in a stand-still. I have a car, but I haven’t been able to drive it in 3 months. I have an apartment, but it’s with roommates and it’s not technically mine. I feel like I’m doing a lot better than I used to be doing, but that’s only part of the time. The rest of the time, I feel like I’m back to where I started. 

So here’s to another year of life. If that is what you want to call it, I mean. I really hope things will get better from here. That depends on me though I guess. I wish it didn’t. It would be nice to have just a little help along the way. Until then, I guess I will just continue to go along with the motions.

-Valken