8 Summers

8 Summers ago….

I had FINALLY moved out of my parents house and moved in with a few friends from work. Times were great then. For the first time in so long I was genuinely happy. I no longer had to do things on anyone else’s time but my own. I didn’t feel so alone because I finally had someone to talk to and hang out with. I got to meet a lot of new people because we would have parties almost every weekend. It’s been 8 Summers since I smiled… I miss happiness.

8 Summers ago…

 I had FINALLY got my drivers license. My dad had been trying to teach me how to drive since I was 15. I hated learning from him. He made me nervous as hell because he would yell so loud if I even went ONE MILE over the speed limit. It took so long for me to gain the confidence to have my dad take me to the DMV. Since I was over 21 at the time, I got to do the written and drivers test on the same day if I wanted. It took me 3 freakin tries to pass the written test. Once I finally passed it, I decided to wait to take the drivers test. I failed the test the first time because I accidentally went 45 in a 40 and I turned the wheels the wrong way hill parking. I got to take it the next day thankfully and I passed. I was so happy. It was my birthday when I passed as well and as an added bonus, my parents gave me my first car that day. It’s been 8 Summers since I did that… I miss freedom. 

8 Summers ago…

 I got the courage to finally start talking to girls. I hadn’t had a relationship since high school and the breakup was pretty bad. I ended up meeting the girl that would change my whole outlook on life since then. It was crazy at first. At the time, she was already taken, but for some reason, I still wanted to pursue her. It took a little over 6 months until she was single and we began to talk. When we finally made it official it was so great. She actually asked ME out. She would always come over. We would stay up late just talking. We didn’t even have to be talking about anything specific. We dated for 3 years before it ended. To this day, it was the worst breakup I ever had. It’s been 8 Summers since we first kissed… I miss comfort.

8 Summers ago…

I was 22 then. Time didn’t seem to pass by as fast in those times. I had a car, a girlfriend, and my own place. I couldn’t have been happier. Why did I screw that up? Why did I make it so I lost all of that at the same time? I really need to stop beating myself up about it. I learned a lot of valuable lessons in those times. I finally learned how it was in the real world. I finally learned what most people’s intentions were. I’m 30 years old now. A lot has changed, but not really at the same time. I’m still trying to figure put my life. It sucks, but I just have to keep moving forward. It’s been 8 Summers since my life officially began… I miss who I was back then. 

-Valken 

5AM

5AM: Seems this is the time that I am waking up lately. At least for the past few days.  Luckily I have been off work for spring break. Even so, I don’t particularly like waking up at this horrid time of day. It’s not quite light outside yet because for another two weeks, it is still winter. I seriously wish winter would hurry up and end, so my leg would stop hurting. That makes waking up at this time worse because it’s still freaking freezing at 5 AM, which makes the pain a thousand times worse. I wish I had something better to take for the pain.

5AM: It really sucks waking up with only your thoughts to keep you company. I find it incredibly sad that I have two roommates and I still feel alone. I turn on the tv, but I don’t pay attention to what is on. The only way I can fall back asleep is by turning on the sound of an ocean storm on YouTube. That or the sounds of trains, or singing whales. Weird I know…. I also have my fan. I don’t get why I need white noise to sleep. I just wish it would help me to get a good nights sleep. Falling asleep is one thing, but actually getting rest…. Nearly impossible for me.

5AM: I decided to make an account on Pandora. I didn’t get the premium version since I already pay for google music. The only reason I made it is I got a new laptop and the only trusted music services they have is Spotify and Pandora. So far, I’m not disappointed because I’m really digging this Vancouver Sleep Clinic playlist I created. I thought this might help me to get some sleep as well, but of course it didn’t… In fact, it ended up making me think more, which kept me up longer.

5AM: I found this group called “Houses” on Pandora. I like how chill their music is. It’s very relaxing when your thoughts are trying to tear you apart. One song in particular that I like is their song titled “A Quiet Darkness.” It speaks to me so much. It talks about not being able to burn a memory out of your mind. It really hits me when I listen to one of the lyrics in their song. It goes “In dreams there’s a way to die.” It’s sad that it hits me so hard listening to that part. Especially since I interpret it differently than they are trying to convey. I take it as, In dreams there is a way to die, but without consequence. Without the consequence of everyone being sad. Without the consequence of leaving someone you love behind. I hate that whatever you do, good or bad, there is always some kind of consequence that you have to live with.

5AM: Here I am again…. Just laying here staring at the fucking ceiling. It’s almost as if I’m waiting for it to fall on top of me. Maybe that’s what I want. I don’t know. Some nights I’m not even thinking of anything specific. It’s just a hurricane of thoughts flooding through my mind all at once. How my head hasn’t exploded yet just eludes me. How do you turn off your brain? How do you get rid of the memories that haunt you night after night?  Does it ever get better? How are people so damn self motivated? I feel like I just need some sort of distraction. Not so sure if that would help and if it did, how long it would. Oh well…. back to the drawing board I guess?

 

 

 

-Valken

Brandee (BabyGirl)

It’s like this girl…

I still to this day have no idea where you came from. We just randomly started playing COD together. Never in a million years would I have guessed that you would become such an important part of my life. It’s funny who life throws at you.

I didn’t even think you liked me very much. Next thing I knew, we were staying up late talking. Sometimes till the crack of dawn. We would talk all night about anime, or whatever else was on our minds. I remember that first night we talked. We just shared our favorite pictures of ourselves. You gave me a confidence I didn’t know I had.

What has it been now? Like 4 years? Maybe longer? It’s crazy I’ve known you for so long, yet we haven’t officially met yet. Don’t worry.  I aim to change that soon. You are one of many stops I have to make really soon. 

I wanted to write about you to tell you that I am grateful for every moment I get to speak to you. You have NO IDEA how much you really mean to me. You always seem to have great timing. Almost every time I’m down, I suddenly get a message from you and I forget about whatever is bothering me. I also wanna tell you that even if you didn’t have great timing, it wouldn’t matter because it wouldn’t change how I feel. 

I love you. I hope you enjoy reading this post. Hope to be able to see you soon!

-Valken

Jorddie

Life is funny sometimes. You never know the impact someone could have on your life. Especially when you haven’t even officially met them yet. Here lately, some of my closest friends live thousands of miles away from me. One friend in particular that I want to write about is my friend Jordan.

Jordan is from Canada. Pretty far away from where I currently live, but the distance doesn’t make our friendship any weaker. That’s one thing I love about it. As for how we met, let me take you back about 5 years or so….

It started with a bang. Literally because I was playing COD: Black Ops 2 online and I can get a little grenade happy. The funny thing about that is, I don’t really care for a lot of first person shooter games. I needed the distraction though because I was fresh out of a 3 year relationship. I made a lot of online friends, but none compared to Jordan. 

We didn’t hit it off right away. It started out with just playing online with a few other friends that I met before her. I was Facebook friends with someone who we both knew, so I decided to try and find her on his page (I know… kind of gives a stalker vibe.) It was cool though because she ended up adding me. 

Playing COD all the time turned into just sitting in parties chatting about whatever. It didn’t matter what we were talking about, it was always interesting. Party chatting in COD turned into Skype calls, or TextPlus chats, and even on some app called KiK(I didn’t keep that app for very long.)

When I started this blog two years ago, she was one of the first to read it. She became one of my first fans that would ALWAYS give me feedback. What she doesn’t realize is, it’s ME that’s one of HER biggest fans. She has no idea how much she means to me as a friend. It would probably take me another 3 years to explain just how much. 

In the mean time, let’s just stick with this. I meant what I said about coming to visit. It kind of HAS to happen. I’m also still planning on killing you for that Star Wars birthday gift… I hope you understand how valuable you are to me as a friend. Here’s to friendship. May it be everlasting.

-Valken

Ian

Before I lived in my current apartment, I lived in an apartment complex that used to be a nursing home. It wasn’t so bad despite being filled with mostly old people. I only say that because I thought I would have a lot of noise complaints against me, but ad it turns out, I was pretty quiet most of the time.

The first few weeks kind of sucked because I had no furniture. I had to sleep on the hard floor. They had carpet, but it wasn’t very thick. I might as well have concrete floors, since there wasn’t much of a difference. 

I woke up so sore. Most mornings it took me like 20 minutes just to stand. Sleeping on a floor with a steel hip did not mix at all. I ate all my meals on the floor too. Mostly just bologna sandwiches since I couldn’t afford much better while I was still getting settled in. It was cool though. I was just happy to get out of my Dad’s house.

It wasn’t until I was a few months in that I met Ian. Ian has Autism. He had to have a nurse check on him every night. He couldn’t go to the grocery store, or the library without his nurse with him. Despite all of that, he was one of the kindest souls that I ever had the pleasure of meeting.

Every morning, Ian would yell hi to me from across the room. No matter how far away he was from me. He would then proceed to show me this app on his phone. The app was actually really cool. When you spoke into it normally, it would say what you said backwards. You could also speak backward to it and it would speak back to you normally. He would show it to me every time he saw me. It didn’t bother me at all that he would sometimes show it to me 10 times a day. The reason for that is, I LOVE listening to someone talk about something that they are passionate about, or something that just makes them really happy. It just always makes me feel good to listen to that.

Ian would always tell me that I sound like this guy on a gaming channel on YouTube. I can’t remember the guy’s name, but he swore up and down that I sounded like him. He always used to tell me that I was so well spoken and that I didn’t speak in Ebonics like most of the other black guys he knew. Ian had no filter. 

I didn’t get mad or offended by this because I knew what he meant. I know he will probably never read this post, but in the off chance he does, I hope he knows how much he always brightened my days. I hope he knows that no matter how much he repeated himself, it didn’t matter because I would always listen. 

I don’t see Ian anymore now that I live on a new apartment. That really sucks because these days I can use a pick-me-up. We need more people like Ian in the world. People who are just genuinely kind. I think the world would be a lot better. This is for you, Ian. Miss ya man.

-Valken

Day 23: You Again?

Who are you???

Have you ever dreamt about the same person almost every night? That’s my current situation. I have no idea what it means. It’s always the same girl. She is native with long jet black hair. Yeah I know…. starting to sound like Pocahontas huh? Just hear me out.

In every dream, I’m with her. I’m not sure if we’re married or not, but we DO have a child together. It switches off being a girl or boy. It also keeps switching where we live, which is freakin confusing. 

I hate it. I hate it so much because it’s like my mind is teasing me. Dangling something that isn’t real in front of me. I mean… It can’t be real, right? It sucks because every fiber of my being wants it to be. Has this happens to anyone else? For anyone reading this, let me know.
-Valken

The Existential Crisis of a Depressed Man

Yeah… Go ahead. Scoff at this post. Tell me that depression and anxiety aren’t real mental illnesses. Tell me how I just need to let it go. To suck it up. Tell me how I need to just be happy because there are SO many reasons to be. Tell me how I should just be grateful to be alive. 

Yeah because being alive is the BEST thing in the world right? Not in a world where you’re not allowed to feel anything except for what everyone else feels. Like, yeah, you can be sad, but don’t you DARE be depressed. People seem to do a lot of complaining about how other people are depressed. They call them things like “big babies”, or my favorite recent term, “snowflakes.” 

It’s hilarious how people can turn something as beautiful as a snowflake into a derogatory term. Like what the fuck, people? You’d think hearing this shit enough would make me used to it to the point where I don’t care about it anymore, but you know… depression/anxiety. 

People always think that we are this way just for attention. Who the hell would even wanna FAKE this? I’m not one of those people that just self-diagnosed myself with this. I was diagnosed with both in 2007. They started me on Abilify, which I hated by the way. It basically just turned me into a human vegetable. I would just sit there staring off into space with no coherannt thought going through my head. Hmmm… sounds like the same problem I went through before they prescribed that in the first place. After a couple of more years taking a few more medications that I can’t even pronounce, I just sort of have up.

It fucking sucks when you hit that point. You just sort of stop caring. I’ve lost too many friends in my life to this. I don’t blame them. Not really. You can’t really expect anyone to live through that. The constant mood swings. The days where you sleep for 12-16 hours at a time. You can only HOPE they will still be there. So far, I only have 1 friend that I know for a FACT, will never leave. 

When did everyone else stop caring completely? There was a time in my life where I REALLY hit rock bottom and I had to sleep out of my car. I hated it because there were very few parking lots that you were allowed to sleep in. The part that sucked the MOST was, that people never asked if you were alright. No. They just immediately called the cops. Yeah… I’m sorry that I’m scaring you because I’m broke. I can understand that some people aren’t always innocent, but you didn’t even bother to ask. 

I don’t care what you think of me after reading this(Actually I kinda do). The thing is, I’m trying. I’m trying SO fucking hard to feel better about myself. It just takes time and less negative criticism. Anyways… Gotta go. Lunch break over.

-Valken

Stems and Yellow Leaves

Have you ever been so incredibly angry at something that it just became hilarious? For example, most of you who have followed my posts know that I have Crohn’s Disease. I’ve had it for years with no idea how it’s caused, yet I have it for the rest of my life. I can’t help but laugh at how fucked up that is.

After years of screw ups and immense amounts of mental stress, I have finally moved out. It is literally the highlight of my life the past 4 years. It feels so surreal that I am finally back out on my own. I didn’t think I would ever make it out of my parents house. Unfortunately, moving out is about the only good thing about it. I mean… Don’t get me wrong, it’s great, but the being alone part kind of sucks sometimes. I think that maybe it will get a lot better when I can get a TV and am able to play my PS3 again. At least it will help as a distraction for a while.

Something else I find strange and pretty hilarious, is the fact that people often come to the likes of me for advice. I know. I know. I SHOULD feel good about something like this, but it’s a little hard for me to appreciate something so absolutely ridiculous. I mean… Look at my tract record. For one, I struggle from depression AND anxiety. I lost my most recent girlfriend because I lied to her about something as stupid as losing my job. That and the fact that I am STILL single after 4 years, yet people constantly ask me for relationship advice. Do I just have a stamp on my head that says “Relationship Expert?” Hell I could use a few pointers for a change…. I keep hoping that all this “help” I’m giving all these people will pay off,  but in the end, it just drags me even deeper into my depression. It’s funny… despite knowing all of this, people still think that I should go into psychology. Don’t hold your breath.

How does one just replace someone else so quickly? How is that you can go from being with someone for several years, saying how much you love and adore them, and then just end it for someone else that you go on saying the exact same things too? I see this all the time with the people I follow on social media, or even watch on the streets. Most of the time, they have only been with this new person for less than a week, or shorter. Is it real? Is it just rebound? I know it’s possible to fall in love with someone quickly, but I just don’t see how you can fall in love with someone in a matter of days. I mean… You still BARELY know the person. You don’t necessarily have to know every little detail about them, but at least some small details. Their favorite color, their favorite food, where they went to school as a kid, their parents, family in general. I mean… I have no type of connection with anyone as it is, let alone, falling in love with them after a week. I just don’t understand how that works. Then… Who am I to judge what real love is? Love has no definition really in my opinion. Shouldn’t there still be some sort of basis for it though? I guess I’ll never know the answer to that question.

I feel like moving out again is my chance at finally turning my life around. I have spent the last 4 years dicking around, spending all my money and lying to everyone and myself. This is my chance to clean up my life. Sort of a clean slate for the most part. The only thing that has been holding me back is me. With the new year approaching, I don’t want to spat out any of that “new year, new me” bullshit. This isn’t just a new years resolution. If I called it that, I most likely wouldn’t do anything about it. My one and only goal is to not treat my life like stems and yellow leaves on kale. To know what that means, you have to know what you have to do to prepare it. In most of the kale recipes at my new job as a cook, the stems and yellow leaves on the kale have to be wasted. That’s what I have been doing with my life for the past 10 years or so. That needs to change.

 

 

 

-Valken

Twisted Perspective

“Nice guys finish last…”

               I used to think this all the time. I used to think it was simply because girls don’t want a nice guy, but now looking back, I feel a little differently about it. Nice guys don’t finish last because girls don’t want a nice guy. It’s because a lot of “nice guys” turn out to be wolves in sheep’s clothing. 

               Girls and guys alike, are just more cautious now. They don’t want to be hurt, but the truth is, we can NEVER escape being hurt at least a few times in our life. It’s just really sad to me that we need everything aside from a blood sample just to decide to date someone. Me, I actually like all the mystery that comes with getting to know someone, but not a lot of people are like me.  

               That’s another thing to think about. Not everyone thinks the way you do and they aren’t gonna know what kind of person you are, if you’re just gonna sit back and complain about it all the time. I used to think very selfishly, in the sense that I felt they should just know I was the one for them. That’s a very dangerous way of thinking. I know this from experience. It can put you so far into your thoughts, you may NEVER find your way out.
-Valken

The Never Ending Pursuit Of Happiness

When it rains, it pours….
               Very true statement. For me unfortunately, when it rains, it’s actually a fucking hurricane! I just can’t catch a break, can I? It’s like every lesson I learn has to be a hard lesson. Whenever I make a mistake, it always has an impact on EVERYONE else around me, so I have to worry about it THAT much more.

               For example, my license got suspended. I owed money, NOT ONLY to the City of Tulsa, but the city of Glenpool as well. Now, I have been paying them both a little at a time. I got down to  owing them a total of $700. It was all good until a couple days ago, when my dad comes into my room to tell me, I need to pay them ASAP. Apparently, in the state of Kansas, if you have someone living with you that has a suspended or revoked license, you can’t get car insurance. Great! As if I didn’t have ENOUGH to worry about already. I got it paid off, but not all by myself. My dad had to help pay some of it as well.

               I hate owing people things. It seems to be inevitable for me though unfortunately. Awesome! Just another thing that gives them leverage over me. Just what I need, right?

               Is it possible to like more than one person? Never mind. Forget I asked because I don’t care what your answer is. I do like more than one girl. Both have ALL of my attention though. It’s just hard because I hate feeling like a bad person because of it. I really want a relationship though. I am WELL overdue for something more serious, it’s just I don’t exactly know what I want in one anymore. I have talked to a LOT of girls in the past 4 years. Most have been daft as all get out. I mean I’d have a better conversation with a hump back whale. The ones I am talking to now, I just genuinely like. That’s saying a lot too because I hate people in general.

               Something that wpuld make equally as happy, if not more, is to have a local friend. Words cannot describe how much it sucks not having any friends where I live. Someone to escape to when things at home gets me down, or even just someone to shoot the shit with. It would be nice to have a friend to go out and have tea, or coffee with(I prefer tea), or a proper drink, which I could use about now.

               I hope this happens soon. I’m tired of posting such negative things, but unfortunately, my life hasn’t been too positive lately. I do have friends. They are all great. They just live so far away and I can’t hang with any of them. Until then, I’ll just continue to live what little of a life I have.

-Valken