8 Summers

8 Summers ago….

I had FINALLY moved out of my parents house and moved in with a few friends from work. Times were great then. For the first time in so long I was genuinely happy. I no longer had to do things on anyone else’s time but my own. I didn’t feel so alone because I finally had someone to talk to and hang out with. I got to meet a lot of new people because we would have parties almost every weekend. It’s been 8 Summers since I smiled… I miss happiness.

8 Summers ago…

 I had FINALLY got my drivers license. My dad had been trying to teach me how to drive since I was 15. I hated learning from him. He made me nervous as hell because he would yell so loud if I even went ONE MILE over the speed limit. It took so long for me to gain the confidence to have my dad take me to the DMV. Since I was over 21 at the time, I got to do the written and drivers test on the same day if I wanted. It took me 3 freakin tries to pass the written test. Once I finally passed it, I decided to wait to take the drivers test. I failed the test the first time because I accidentally went 45 in a 40 and I turned the wheels the wrong way hill parking. I got to take it the next day thankfully and I passed. I was so happy. It was my birthday when I passed as well and as an added bonus, my parents gave me my first car that day. It’s been 8 Summers since I did that… I miss freedom. 

8 Summers ago…

 I got the courage to finally start talking to girls. I hadn’t had a relationship since high school and the breakup was pretty bad. I ended up meeting the girl that would change my whole outlook on life since then. It was crazy at first. At the time, she was already taken, but for some reason, I still wanted to pursue her. It took a little over 6 months until she was single and we began to talk. When we finally made it official it was so great. She actually asked ME out. She would always come over. We would stay up late just talking. We didn’t even have to be talking about anything specific. We dated for 3 years before it ended. To this day, it was the worst breakup I ever had. It’s been 8 Summers since we first kissed… I miss comfort.

8 Summers ago…

I was 22 then. Time didn’t seem to pass by as fast in those times. I had a car, a girlfriend, and my own place. I couldn’t have been happier. Why did I screw that up? Why did I make it so I lost all of that at the same time? I really need to stop beating myself up about it. I learned a lot of valuable lessons in those times. I finally learned how it was in the real world. I finally learned what most people’s intentions were. I’m 30 years old now. A lot has changed, but not really at the same time. I’m still trying to figure put my life. It sucks, but I just have to keep moving forward. It’s been 8 Summers since my life officially began… I miss who I was back then. 

-Valken 

Brandee (BabyGirl)

It’s like this girl…

I still to this day have no idea where you came from. We just randomly started playing COD together. Never in a million years would I have guessed that you would become such an important part of my life. It’s funny who life throws at you.

I didn’t even think you liked me very much. Next thing I knew, we were staying up late talking. Sometimes till the crack of dawn. We would talk all night about anime, or whatever else was on our minds. I remember that first night we talked. We just shared our favorite pictures of ourselves. You gave me a confidence I didn’t know I had.

What has it been now? Like 4 years? Maybe longer? It’s crazy I’ve known you for so long, yet we haven’t officially met yet. Don’t worry.  I aim to change that soon. You are one of many stops I have to make really soon. 

I wanted to write about you to tell you that I am grateful for every moment I get to speak to you. You have NO IDEA how much you really mean to me. You always seem to have great timing. Almost every time I’m down, I suddenly get a message from you and I forget about whatever is bothering me. I also wanna tell you that even if you didn’t have great timing, it wouldn’t matter because it wouldn’t change how I feel. 

I love you. I hope you enjoy reading this post. Hope to be able to see you soon!

-Valken

Ian

Before I lived in my current apartment, I lived in an apartment complex that used to be a nursing home. It wasn’t so bad despite being filled with mostly old people. I only say that because I thought I would have a lot of noise complaints against me, but ad it turns out, I was pretty quiet most of the time.

The first few weeks kind of sucked because I had no furniture. I had to sleep on the hard floor. They had carpet, but it wasn’t very thick. I might as well have concrete floors, since there wasn’t much of a difference. 

I woke up so sore. Most mornings it took me like 20 minutes just to stand. Sleeping on a floor with a steel hip did not mix at all. I ate all my meals on the floor too. Mostly just bologna sandwiches since I couldn’t afford much better while I was still getting settled in. It was cool though. I was just happy to get out of my Dad’s house.

It wasn’t until I was a few months in that I met Ian. Ian has Autism. He had to have a nurse check on him every night. He couldn’t go to the grocery store, or the library without his nurse with him. Despite all of that, he was one of the kindest souls that I ever had the pleasure of meeting.

Every morning, Ian would yell hi to me from across the room. No matter how far away he was from me. He would then proceed to show me this app on his phone. The app was actually really cool. When you spoke into it normally, it would say what you said backwards. You could also speak backward to it and it would speak back to you normally. He would show it to me every time he saw me. It didn’t bother me at all that he would sometimes show it to me 10 times a day. The reason for that is, I LOVE listening to someone talk about something that they are passionate about, or something that just makes them really happy. It just always makes me feel good to listen to that.

Ian would always tell me that I sound like this guy on a gaming channel on YouTube. I can’t remember the guy’s name, but he swore up and down that I sounded like him. He always used to tell me that I was so well spoken and that I didn’t speak in Ebonics like most of the other black guys he knew. Ian had no filter. 

I didn’t get mad or offended by this because I knew what he meant. I know he will probably never read this post, but in the off chance he does, I hope he knows how much he always brightened my days. I hope he knows that no matter how much he repeated himself, it didn’t matter because I would always listen. 

I don’t see Ian anymore now that I live on a new apartment. That really sucks because these days I can use a pick-me-up. We need more people like Ian in the world. People who are just genuinely kind. I think the world would be a lot better. This is for you, Ian. Miss ya man.

-Valken

Take This To Heart

We often forget key things that someone tells us that might help us more in the future, had we just listened and took it to heart. It could be something as simple as their favorite color. Maybe even a favorite food, or favorite movie. In this case, I’m talking about something a little different. What I’m talking about is something that the other person believes. Allow me to clarify.

I don’t believe in fate. I don’t believe that an outside force decides everything that we do. The only absolute thing, in my eyes, is death. Everything means something different to other people. Everyone copes with things differently. That being said, you should take a step back and listen to what someone is trying to tell you. If you do this, maybe you will learn something that could actually help THEM.

STOP COMPARING SOMEONE TO SOMEONE ELSE! That’s the worst thing you can do. Everyone’s situation is different. They don’t think like that person. Let them finish before you interrupt with a similar situation that YOU had to deal with. They don’t give a fuck about that. The conversation has to revolve around THEM.

I think that’s been my biggest issue here lately. I’ve spent SO LONG catering to other’s needs and feelings, that I haven’t paid attention to my own. I’ve also noticed that no one else has either. I have my own way of dealing with things as well.

Whenever I’m having a terrible day, I don’t want to talk about what made it terrible. I prefer to talk about things that make me happy. Most people think of that as bottling it up, but that’s not what it is. It virtually eliminates the problem. Especially if I end up laughing and smiling. I’ve bottled things up before and it IS NOT the same as this. If I were bottling it up, I would still be mad, or sad about it.

So, that’s it. PLEASE remember to do this. It could seriously help your friendships/relationships. It’s not the same for everyone, but doing something as simple as listening DOES WONDERS.

-Valken

Never Ending Sighs…

               I find it incredibly sad that I can’t even feel excited to come home after a vacation. Maybe because I felt happier to be AWAY from home. I can’t even technically call this home because in NO WAY, do I feel at home here. 

               Every day is hell for me in this place. I am on edge every time I try to relax because people are CONSTANTLY calling my name for something. I don’t sleep well because I feel like I’m gonna be rudely awoken for some god awful reason. I can’t even concentrate on reading and writing. Those are the two things I LOVE to do! 

               When does it all end? Why do my feelings have to match everyone else’s? I need to get out. I HAVE to. There is no other way to end this. I don’t care if I have to get the shittiest apartment ever. At least it will be mine. 

               No one in my house seems to understand why I like owning my own things versus using theirs. I hate worrying not only how I would be affected, but THEM as well. For once, I would like to be the only one worried about my endeavors. So far, I can’t do anything without being questioned. I’m 27 fucking years old! 

               I’m so close…. SO CLOSE to achieving this goal. It’s taken me 3 long years, but I finally got my license reinstated, and I am two pay checks away from a car. Once I get my car, I am immediately finding an apartment. I can’t stay in this house. Not anymore… I need a place where I can finally feel comfortable.

               I sometimes like to walk around town. I usually have my hood up and my headphones in. I like to just watch what people do. I sometimes listen to the conversations that they have. Every time I do this, I think about how disconnected I am from all of them. I have NO desire to spark up a conversation with them. 

               It’s getting harder and harder to take interest in new people. I have a few. Even a girl that I really like. I just worry so much that they will lose interest in me as well. I really hope it works out with this girl. As I said, it is rare that I find someone that I’m interested in, or even genuinely LIKE. 

                Sigh…. That’s pretty much the word of the day for me. Really the word of the year. It’s all I do everyday from when I wake up, to when I attempt to sleep. Who knows… Maybe something good is waiting for me at the end of all this bullshit. I damn sure hope so. Being sad all the time is getting pretty fucking old.

-Valken

A Letter to a Friend

Hey man,

               To say it’s been a while would be an understatement. Been about eight years now, hasn’t it? I guess you can say that I’m doing ok. Oh who am I kidding? Things couldn’t be more terrible for me. 

               A little update on where I am right now in my “life,” if that’s what you want to call it. Right now I’m living with my dad and step mom. I mean… They treat me good for the most part. It would be nice to not get treated like a child, but I won’t get too much into that. I’m finally in school. How many times did you have to get on me about getting back into school? I lost count. 

               I’m going to school for computers. I know you thought I would do better in the medical field, but that’s just not for me. I’m working retail while I’m in school. It’s a hell of a lot better now that I’m gettin paid a decent wage.

               Ok. I know what you really wanna know, so I will stop beating around the bush. No… I do not work for Dorian anymore. He actually got himself killed a few years back trying to screw over the wrong people. I do however still do a few jobs for another employer. I know you’re gonna be pissed about that, but I have to if I’m ever gonna be able to pay off the lawyer that kept my ass out of jail.

               It’s not just that though. It’s my only real connection to her. To how things used to be, before things got all fucked up. I miss those days. You and I playing rock, paper, scissors to decide who was gonna take the hard jobs. Sparring. Fuck I miss sparring. You taught me everything I know today. I haven’t found a left hook to rival yours yet.

               I think I understand now. I think I understand the purpose of all the training you gave me. I understand why you taught me not to trust anyone. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time now. I think… I think you were preparing me for the day that we were gonna have to kill each other.

               I will never understand why you did it. I will never understand why you had to kill my fiancé and child. I mean… You were my best friend. I just wish I could’ve figured it out the day you tried to urge me to give up this life. I should have listened….

              You took my entire life away from me and you did it with a smile on your face. I should fucking hate you. Lately though, I find myself missing you. Missing our adventures. I’m sorry it had to end the way it did. You almost killed me too, but I guess I wasn’t suppose to die that day. I lived. Funny thing though… I don’t feel alive. 

               Fair well my friend. When we meet again, you WILL answer for what you did. Until then, I will do my best to live on with you guys. I miss you, but I hope you’re rotting in Hell.
-Valken 

How To Successfully “Phase Out” of a Friendship

               Well first and foremost, you need to find a friend. You can find friends just about anywhere. Some good places to start are at your job, at school maybe, or even at coffee shops or bookstores. Those are just a few examples. 

               After you’ve found a friend, you’ll need to do everything with them. Hang out at bars(if you’re of age of course). Hang out at parks. Work out with them. Go to lunch with them. Stay up super late talking about nothing. Make them feel like you two are inseparable. 

               Next comes the really important steps to successfully “phasing out” of a friendship. You need to suddenly start hanging out less. Maybe only wait until you are bored and have nothing else to do. Then, you’ll need to stop talking to them as much. Use the excuse that you’re too busy, or not feeling well. 

               Finally, after you’ve done these things, stop talking to them all together, delete them off Facebook without explaining why, and completely ignore them when you cross paths. These are the steps to successfully “phasing out” of a friendship.

Ache

               Picture this. You FINALLY feel like your life is moving forward. You have everything in order. A better job, a car, your own place. Everything seems to be in order, but picture there are several people or objects behind you. These people/objects are grabbing you and pulling you away from all these successes. Now imagine those things start manifesting into things that you worry about, or even manifest themselves into you. This is how I picture the saying “One step forward, but two steps back.”

               I can’t take it anymore. This ever growing feeling. This ache that makes me wanna scream in people’s faces as I repeatedly punch them until I’m unable to lift my arm anymore. It’s harsh I know. I just feel like it’s the only way to get through to people. I feel like it’s the only way to show them how much I don’t give a fuck what they want from me. 

               My entire life seems to be on other people’s time. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I put my self in the situation that forced me to move in with my parents. Yes, I’ll admit that ever since I moved on with my biological father, my life is STARTING to move forward. Unfortunately that’s not enough. Nothing I do is enough. These people always want more out of me. 

               They said I needed a job. I got that. They said I needed to get my license reinstated. I did that. They said I needed to save for a car, but that’s where I hit a snag. They constantly need help with bills, and other expenses because the other grown adults that lives in the house, conveniently escapes when they are in need. Leaving it up to me. The thing that pisses me off the most is, I’m just supposed to be okay with this. “That’s life,” they tell me. “These are responsibilities.” Apparently they forgot one little detail…. I KNOW WHAT FUCKING RESPONSIBILITIES ARE!

               What I don’t understand is why I am doing everyone else’s responsibilities and STILL get treated like absolute shit. Then they wonder why I never want to talk to them. Why I never want to be within 3 inches of them. Something has eventually got to give.

               There are so many types of aches. Heartaches, Headaches, Neckaches, Backaches…. I seem to experience so many of these. I get aches that make me just want to break things. To tear things to pieces and then burn those pieces until there is nothing left. That ache to just scream at the top of my lungs until I’m out of breath and then scream some more.

               Not all aches are bad though. I wanna feel that body ache that you feel after phenomenal sex. That ache that just feels so damn good, that you don’t even want the feeling to go away. I wanna feel that ache after a good workout. Where it hurts, but it’s ok because you feel accomplished. I wouldn’t even mind that ache you get when you miss someone’s company. Unfortunately, you actually have to HAVE someone to miss.

               I will always have an ache, weither good, or bad. Unfortunately for now, the bad outweighs the good. Who knows? Maybe my life will take a turn for the better hear soon. I won’t bet on it though. Oh well…. As I always say. Fuck it all, right?

-Valken

The Never Ending Pursuit Of Happiness

When it rains, it pours….
               Very true statement. For me unfortunately, when it rains, it’s actually a fucking hurricane! I just can’t catch a break, can I? It’s like every lesson I learn has to be a hard lesson. Whenever I make a mistake, it always has an impact on EVERYONE else around me, so I have to worry about it THAT much more.

               For example, my license got suspended. I owed money, NOT ONLY to the City of Tulsa, but the city of Glenpool as well. Now, I have been paying them both a little at a time. I got down to  owing them a total of $700. It was all good until a couple days ago, when my dad comes into my room to tell me, I need to pay them ASAP. Apparently, in the state of Kansas, if you have someone living with you that has a suspended or revoked license, you can’t get car insurance. Great! As if I didn’t have ENOUGH to worry about already. I got it paid off, but not all by myself. My dad had to help pay some of it as well.

               I hate owing people things. It seems to be inevitable for me though unfortunately. Awesome! Just another thing that gives them leverage over me. Just what I need, right?

               Is it possible to like more than one person? Never mind. Forget I asked because I don’t care what your answer is. I do like more than one girl. Both have ALL of my attention though. It’s just hard because I hate feeling like a bad person because of it. I really want a relationship though. I am WELL overdue for something more serious, it’s just I don’t exactly know what I want in one anymore. I have talked to a LOT of girls in the past 4 years. Most have been daft as all get out. I mean I’d have a better conversation with a hump back whale. The ones I am talking to now, I just genuinely like. That’s saying a lot too because I hate people in general.

               Something that wpuld make equally as happy, if not more, is to have a local friend. Words cannot describe how much it sucks not having any friends where I live. Someone to escape to when things at home gets me down, or even just someone to shoot the shit with. It would be nice to have a friend to go out and have tea, or coffee with(I prefer tea), or a proper drink, which I could use about now.

               I hope this happens soon. I’m tired of posting such negative things, but unfortunately, my life hasn’t been too positive lately. I do have friends. They are all great. They just live so far away and I can’t hang with any of them. Until then, I’ll just continue to live what little of a life I have.

-Valken

Sigh… Can we just not?

               Everyone lies. Sometimes over the dumbest things. I know this because I have from time to time. There are things that some people lie about that baffle me to no end though.

               For example when you FINALLY get the courage to ask out that girl from work that you have been putting off forever. You finally get to her and ask her for her number. She seems skeptic at first, but she finally gives in and says yes. She then gives you her number. Great right? You say you’re gonna call her phone to give her yours… The phone rings…and rings…and rings. Then someone picks up and it’s NOT the girl. No! It’s some angry person on the other line cursing you for waking them up. You later find that she gave you the wrong number on purpose. Why?! Why not just tell them you’re not interested? I feel for whoever else this happens to because if you’re like me, it crushes your already LOW self of steam.

               I wish I had more positive things to post, but I just don’t. Not many positive things have happened to me in the past 3 years. It just seems like I lose more and more people in my life each year. I envy all you optimists. I just can’t fix my self to be optimistic in a world that gives you NO reason to be. I can’t get excited about things because they seem to come crashing down around me more often than not. I try SO hard to do good, but it’s never good enough. My anxiety levels are through the roof lately.

               “Just get over it..” “At least you’re alive…”  “Just be more positive and stop worrying.”

               Thank you! I had NO idea it was that simple. I’ll just hop on my rocket ship to Neverland now. Seriously guys… If it were that simple, I would’ve been fine YEARS ago. The truth is, you can’t just cure something like anxiety so easily. It’s just something I have to deal with for a while. I’m not asking anyone else to. If you can’t deal with it, just fuck off honestly. ESPECIALLY if you have nothing positive to say. It doesn’t help and I don’t need it.

               “You have other friends. I’m sure you can replace me. Just forget about me…”

               You just don’t get it, do you? I cherish EVERY ONE of my friends. I love each and every one of my friend and for a different reason. Each one of my friends plays a unique part in my life. I can just replace someone like replacing a tire when its flat. It doesn’t work that. Oh and PLEASE don’t tell me that is best for both of us. The truth is, It’s best for YOU unless I say otherwise about me. It’s ok though. I’m not mad. I know you don’t mean to. It just needed to be said. All of my friends need to know this. The few that I have….

-Valken