A.K.A. No One Special

What’s up man? Remember me? Nah. Of course you wouldn’t remember me. We were only the best of friends since elementary school. We used to do everything together.

Remember those games we used to play at recess? You know, when we would role play. We made up so many different scenarios. Those were good times. We didn’t have a care in the world. It didn’t even matter who was watching either. 

How about when we started playing kick ball. Those were good and bad. I remember when we got into a fight. I hated that time. I hated not talking to you. I mean…. you were my only friend. It took the teacher noticing that we weren’t talking to finally come to our senses. 

I even remember you coming over to my house a lot because you were getting picked on at home and you wanted to learn how to fight. I knew a little bit, so I taught you a few things. I liked those times because it felt nice to be needed for once.

Hell, I even remember our pact that we made. Don’t you? No? You don’t remember us saying that we were going to build a giant metal beetle and travel around the rainforest collecting insects. It sounds silly now, I know, but back then, I seriously wanted to do that. I even collected all the computer parts and metal pieces I found laying around. We were kids then. Just stupid little kids…or were we? 

Then in middle school, it’s like everything just…ended. We suddenly stopped sitting together at lunch. We stopped waving to each other in the hallway. Soon, we just stopped talking to each other all together. What happend? What changed? Is it something that I did, or said? Our friendship just seemed to phase out for no reason at all. 

I hate that term by the way. Phased out…. It’s such a bullshit reason to me. Look man… I’m just writing to say that I miss those times. I miss my friend. I know that you probably don’t even know who I am anymore. Unfortunately for me… I remember you.

It’s my gift you know. My gift is that I remember everything. My curse is that I remember…everything.

-Valken A.K.A. No One Special

Day 1: I’m Doing Alright

You always had to butt into my business. Always worrying about what I was doing. You told me that I needed to stop spending so much money. It’s MY money! Not yours. If I wanna spend it on things I want, then I can. I’ll save when I need to. Just fuck off. I was doing alright without your help.

I don’t need to be told that something is wrong with my stomach. I already know that. You constantly keep telling me to go to the doctor. For what? So they can tell me something I already know? It’s really not THAT bad. I don’t need to waste money in a doctor’s office, when I’m managing my symptoms just fine. Just fuck off. I was doing alright without your help.

So you don’t want me to go to a university right out of highschool? Yeah it’s expensive, but I can get a job to pay for it. I also got a scholarship that gives me a little bit of money to go there. I just want to be with my friends and my girlfriend. At least I’m GOING to college. Oh you think I should stay home and go to community college instead? Just fuck off. I was doing alright without your help…. or was I? Turns out it was me that needed to fuck off. I should have listened. Now it’s too late.

-Valken

The Existential Crisis of a Depressed Man

Yeah… Go ahead. Scoff at this post. Tell me that depression and anxiety aren’t real mental illnesses. Tell me how I just need to let it go. To suck it up. Tell me how I need to just be happy because there are SO many reasons to be. Tell me how I should just be grateful to be alive. 

Yeah because being alive is the BEST thing in the world right? Not in a world where you’re not allowed to feel anything except for what everyone else feels. Like, yeah, you can be sad, but don’t you DARE be depressed. People seem to do a lot of complaining about how other people are depressed. They call them things like “big babies”, or my favorite recent term, “snowflakes.” 

It’s hilarious how people can turn something as beautiful as a snowflake into a derogatory term. Like what the fuck, people? You’d think hearing this shit enough would make me used to it to the point where I don’t care about it anymore, but you know… depression/anxiety. 

People always think that we are this way just for attention. Who the hell would even wanna FAKE this? I’m not one of those people that just self-diagnosed myself with this. I was diagnosed with both in 2007. They started me on Abilify, which I hated by the way. It basically just turned me into a human vegetable. I would just sit there staring off into space with no coherannt thought going through my head. Hmmm… sounds like the same problem I went through before they prescribed that in the first place. After a couple of more years taking a few more medications that I can’t even pronounce, I just sort of have up.

It fucking sucks when you hit that point. You just sort of stop caring. I’ve lost too many friends in my life to this. I don’t blame them. Not really. You can’t really expect anyone to live through that. The constant mood swings. The days where you sleep for 12-16 hours at a time. You can only HOPE they will still be there. So far, I only have 1 friend that I know for a FACT, will never leave. 

When did everyone else stop caring completely? There was a time in my life where I REALLY hit rock bottom and I had to sleep out of my car. I hated it because there were very few parking lots that you were allowed to sleep in. The part that sucked the MOST was, that people never asked if you were alright. No. They just immediately called the cops. Yeah… I’m sorry that I’m scaring you because I’m broke. I can understand that some people aren’t always innocent, but you didn’t even bother to ask. 

I don’t care what you think of me after reading this(Actually I kinda do). The thing is, I’m trying. I’m trying SO fucking hard to feel better about myself. It just takes time and less negative criticism. Anyways… Gotta go. Lunch break over.

-Valken

Enough

               It’s incredibly unsettling how much the people around me are beginning to bore me. I can’t even stand to talk to them for five minutes before I start wishing I hadn’t started a conversation with them. You may call this rude, or mean, but I don’t believe that to be true. I mean… No one likes talking to EVERYONE they meet. 

               Most days you’ll find me in my room. My parents always make comments about it in an attempt to get me to come up starts to have “conversations” with me, if that’s what they want to call it. I have no desire to talk to them. They’re not really interested in anything I have to say and Im DAMN sure not interested in what they have to say either. All they ever want to know is what I’ve done to make THEM more comfortable. 

               Humph…. Maybe if they showed even a little more interest in my life instead of thinking I’m weird, I would talk to them more. Every little thing I do is strange to them because THEY don’t do it. That doesn’t make it strange, just different from them. I find that the world would be super boring if we were all the same.

               What the fuck am I doing? I have to ask myself this question all the time. Every day I am doing the same thing. I go to work, come home, play video games for a few hours, go to sleep before work, go to work, repeat… This is my life every day. I complain about not having many friends, but I haven’t done anything about it.  This needs to change.

               There are people that I DO enjoy talking to though. The few friends I do have and a girl that I really like(she knows who she is). It’s strange how just one person can change your entire perspective of things. That’s nice and all, but I wish I could just be happy without that as well. Oh well… We can’t all be like that, right? 

               I just gotta take a step back and say enough is enough… Fuck all this bullshit that I deal with every day. What am I dealing with it for anyway? Why do I cling so hard to this thing people call life? Sigh… Fuck it all, right?

-Valken