No Boys Allowed

A lie that boys are always told is that we’re not allowed to cry. We’re always to suck it up. Be a man. We’re told to never show any weakness. If we do we are labeled as “sissies” “bitches” or my personal favorite, “little girl.” For that reason, most guys don’t open up about how they are feeling.

I hate that. Why aren’t guys allowed to feel anything? Who decided that we have to be the strong ones all the time? Who decided that we have to do everything on our own. What does “be a man” even mean to them?

I’ve lost SO MANY people I care about to depression. The majority of them being men that are too scared to open up. I MYSELF almost succumbed to my depression. There eventually comes a time when bottling everything up just gets to be too much.

I’m sleeping less and less every day. I have trouble even getting out of bed to take care of myself. A lot of things that I used as a vice I can’t even use anymore. It’s like I’ve just shut down and can’t get excited about anything anymore. The worst part about all of this is the fact that I don’t feel like I can tell anyone about this.

I know that isn’t true. Especially now. I have a few friends I can go to when I need help. It just sucks because my anxiety always puts that feeling in the back of my mind. That feeling that tells me that I’m always alone. That feeling that tells me that no one actually cares.

Not many people know this, but I tried killing myself when I was 17 years old. I went to a party and I was planning on swallowing a handful of pills. I chose that party because everyone was drunk, so they wouldn’t notice me in time.

A girl at the party did though. She walked up to me while I was sitting on the balcony. I’ll never forget what she said. She sat down next to me and said “I don’t know you, but I have this weird feeling that you’re about to do something bad.” She saw the pills in my hand, grabbed them and threw them over the balcony. She ended up being my first serious relationship. We sat up there and talked for like 4 freakin hours.

If there is ANY WAY. Any way at all for you to get help, or find someone to talk to. PLEASE do because that would be better than killing yourself. I know everyone deals with things differently, but talking to the right person has always helped me.

-Valken

You’re Fucking Hilarious, Cave Man

So I went on this date a few years back. I had been talking to this girl for a few months, so when I finally got the courage I asked her out. It was my first date in over two years, so I thought it would be nice.

So we get our food and we begin to talk about what we liked to do for fun. She was very athletic, so she like running, hiking, bike riding and a lot of other outdoor activities. I live that too, but what I really enjoy is reading and writing.

When I told her this, she had a really disgusted look on her face. She then was like “Who can just sit down and read a book? Like, how is that enjoyable. You really should get out more. Maybe then, you’ll start to enjoy something more constructive.”

That is word for word what she told me. Constuctive. CONSTRUCTIVE???! Last I checked reading is a pretty constructive hobby to have. The way she was talking about it, it was almost as if I offended her.

Look… I have no problem at all if you’re not into the same things as me. If you don’t like reading. Just say you don’t like it. Don’t talk to me as if I have a serious problem because I read for enjoyment. Reading is good for the mind weither you’re reading fiction, or non-fiction.

Needless to say, there wasn’t a second date. Saying that in the way that she did made me immediately lose interest. I’m not so sure that it would worked our anyway because I not only read a lot, I write as well. If she feels that way about people who read, it would probably be the same for someone who writes.

As a writer, support is a very big deal for me. Especially since I also suffer from severe anxiety and depression. No I’m not saying they have to like my writing by any means. I’m just saying don’t rip my soul apart for doing something that gives me even a small sense of comfort. Comfort is hard to come by these days, so I can use all I can get.

Chapter 32: Happy Birthday To Me

So Monday was my 32nd birthday. HOLY. FUCK!!!! 32 fucking years old. I still can’t believe it. Like where had all the time gone? I remember when I was freaking out about turning 18. I would DEFINITELY be understating it by saying that this past year has been interesting.

Since last summer, I’ve lost over 40 pounds. I’ve also dropped two pant sizes and one shirt size. This is a HUGE deal for me because I’ve always been self-conscious about my weight. I move around a lot in my current position at the warehouse, so that helps a lot. I’ve also been biking a lot more than last year. The thing that sucks about that is my legs get bigger, so it makes it hard for me to go past my current pant size.

Alright.. So my birthday. Hands down one of the best birthdays I’ve had in over 5 years. Unfortunately, it didn’t start out so great. My birthday fell on a Monday this year, so I had to work. Work wasn’t too bad, it just sucks more than the others because I never sleep well on Sunday nights. I got through work ok, but when I got home I found that someone stole my bike. Like they stole it chain and all. I don’t understand why people have to be so fucking hateful.

Anyway… That obviously fucked my whole day. Just when I thought my birthday was going to suck, one of my friends from work came to the rescue. I told her about my bike getting stolen and she immediately wanted to help make my day better.

We ended up hanging out for a while. We went to the park and listened to a bunch of music. We went to the highest point where you can see a lot of the town I live in. It was so peaceful there. Like for the first time in a while I felt like I didn’t have to worry about anything.

It didn’t end there. A little later she decided to take me to another place outside of town. We went to this country road that was next to this BEAUTIFUL creek. Like I don’t know how I had never been to this place before.

Words cannot describe how awesome that was. She turned a really shitty day into an amazing one and she didn’t even need to do much. I am blessed to know someone like her. I’ve met SO MANY people that turned out to be shitty indidviduals. I don’t get that feeling with her. It was a great way to bring in my 32nd year of living. I hope she knows how thankful I am.

-Valken

I Think We Should See Other People

Hey, Anxiety? We need to talk. There are some things that I need to get off my chest and I need you to listen.

15 years. 15 years we’ve been together and I’ve felt nothing, but never ending despair and torment from you. I can’t have friends because you constantly try to convince me that they all hate me and I’m just a bother to them. I can’t be around crowds because you tell me that it’s uncomfortable being around people. Don’t even get me STARTED on when I try to talk to someone that I like. You make it so I don’t really know what to say, or do around them.

I’m fucking sick of it. Our relationship is absolutely toxic. You ARE and will ALWAYS BE the worst thing that has ever happend to me. That anyone can deal with you for more than a second just alludes me.

Where the fuck do you get off making me feel like I’m nothing everyday? Where do you get off making me feel ugly all the time. Why can’t you just fuck off?

This is the end. I’m done with all of this. We should NEVER have gotten acquainted with each other. I’m actually not sorry to say this. We’re done anxiety. I want nothing more to do with you. Please do drop dead.

Sincerely, Valken

Comfortable Silence

Where do I begin?…. I’ve been M.I.A. for a while… again…. I needed the time to work on my book which I really didn’t do as much as I should have.

Up until about a few weeks ago, I’ve had nothing but bad days. A LOT has changed for me since I last posted. I know it’s only a few months, or so, but things have happend. Mostly good, but a few bad things as well.

I got demoted at work recently. Guess I didn’t make the cut as a picker. The good news is, they liked me so they didn’t want to fire me like they normally would. Instead, the switched me to handstack which is basically just stocking shelves. I had to take 70 cent pay cut, but at least I got to keep my job.

After 2 years of being without one, I FINALLY got an actual bed. I’ve been on a combination of couches, air mattresses and the floor, where I’ve currently been sleeping. The only thing I’m NOT looking forward to doing is the rearranging that I have to do since my room is the living room.

The last few weeks have been the best I’ve had in a while. Why? A girl. It’s always a girl. This particular girl is someone that I’m 100% comfortable around. That is super rare. I usually can’t stand the lot of the people that I work with, but with her, things are calm… It’s a nice feeling not being a nervous wreck for once. For now, I’m just friends with her. It would be awesome if it developed into something more.

I will be posting a lot more now. My little break is now over. I’ll try not to be gone so long next time. I’ll be posting my next one here soon.

-Valken

Stress Down. Music On. Volume Up.

So this sound corny, but I actually made playlists based off of a few of my closest online friends. I even named the playlists after them. It’s an assortment of songs with one big song that reminds me of them the most.

Jorddie

I haven’t told you enough how much I appreciate you being one of my biggest readers on my page. You always have positive things to say about all my posts. I had to put a lot of thought into your playlist.

1. Stay Lost by Sianvar
2. Louder Than Thunder by The Devil Wears Prada
3. With Eyes Wide Shut by blessthefall
4. Feels Like Forever by Of Mice and Men
5. Fade Away by We Came As Romans
6. A Satire, of a Satire, of a Satire is Tiring by A Lot Like Birds
7. Open Water by blessthefall
8. We Own The Sky by M83
9. Skin of the Night by M83
10. Beginnings by Houses
11. NotInService by The Virus and Antidote ft. ZOTiYAC
12. Lost In Stereo by All Time Low
13. Until The Day I Die by Story of the Year
14. The Weakends by Motion City Soundtrack
15. Made For You by OneRepublic
16. Always Burning, Always Dark by A Lot Like Birds
17. Divisi by A Lot Like Birds
18. Open Your Eyes and Look North by Dance Gavin Dance
19. Love Two Re-imagined Anxiety Remix by Angels and Airways
20. Among Lions by Whether I
21. Don’t Fall Asleep by Whether I
22. Fractions by Emery
23. In A Win, Win Situation by Emery
24. Artificial Nocturne by Metric
25. Hymn For The Shameless by Alesana
26. Come On Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners
27. Hear Me Now(Acoustic) by Framing Hanley
28. All In Your Hands by Framing Hanley
29. Hell Is Round The Corner by Tricky

The number one song that reminds me of you every time I hear it is: reflect (Developments) by Hands Like Houses. I hope you like all the songs on this playlist.

Brandee (BabyGirl)

Ok so… You’re on my mind more often than not, so it took me a minute to make up your playlist.

1. Valerie by The Weeknd
2. Professional by The Weeknd
3. Warning From My Demons by Slaves
4. I’ve Been Hearing That You’re Freaky by Jonny Craig
5. No Chaser by Palisades
6. Hourglass by Whether I
7. Is It Too Late by Whether I
8. Pretty by The Weeknd
9. Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
10. Timelines by Motion City Soundtrack
11. Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade
12. Your Call by Secondhand Serenade
13. Say (All I Need) by OneRepublic
14. The Definition of Not Leaving by Hands Like Houses
15. Violence by Blink-182
16. Endlessly She Said by AFI
17. The Embrace by AFI
18. Pieces by Red
19. The Prodigal by Jaime’s Elsewhere
20. The Saint, The Sword, The Savior by Jaime’s Elsewhere
21. Count Me In by Framing Hanley
22. Song of Storms from Legend of Zelda
23. Gasoline by Halsey
24. Castle by Halsey
25. Luxurious by Gwen Stefani
26. Trouble by Bei Major
27. Telegraph Ave (“Oakland” by Lloyd) by Childish Gambino

Now for the song that makes me think of you the most. I’m pretty sure you could figure this out without me telling you, but here it is… Somewhere Over The Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole. I still remember you playing this on your ukulele. You also played me a song from Legend of Zelda. I hope you are still playing it. It’s probably one of my favorite things about you.

Amy “Undead” Kleinheitz

If I were to make a playlist for this girl, it would probably be somewhere shy of 4000 songs. Every band in the playlists I’ve made for my friends even MYSELF was introduced to me by her. She is and will ALWAYS be my musical soulmate. It’s crazy how someone that I have only met ONE TIME in my life can have such a huge impact on my life.

Let me tell you about how we met. I was living in Oklahoma at the time. I woke up around 1 or 2 AM because I heard talking downstairs. I walk down stairs and here is this girl laying on my couch with a few of my friends. She had a lot of tattoos to me THEN, but she has WAY more now.

Anyway, so I sit down with them and get to talking to her. She begins telling me about all the concerts that she has been too and all the bands that she knows. I was just getting into music around then, so I asked her to write down all the bands that she knows, so I can have some new music to listen to. She looks at me WIDE EYED like “Like… All of them???” I was like yeah as many as you can think of.

Well she kept telling me stories while writing them in a notebook I gave her. Now… I expected there to be a lot of pages filled, but not as many as there were. She filled like half of my 180 page notebook FULL OF BANDS and singers. I was set for life when it came to music. HELL… I STILL haven’t finished adding all the songs and this was almost 10 years ago that I met her.

Amy. I am gonna speak directly to you now. I know that we never got a chance to meet again, but you DEFINITELY have a very special place in my heart. Do you have ANY idea how much music influences my life? It has helped me get through so many tough times. It helps with my writing, helps with my anxiety and depression, EVERYTHING.

I am very lucky to have met you. I don’t know if I ever told you how fucking STRONG you are. I mean…. You are dealing with so much shit. Your cancer, raising a family….. I have been following your page for a while and I just love how you can just look through all of the bullshit and still keep that amazing smile that you have. The energy that you put off is just awesome.

I feel sorry for anyone who hasn’t had the pleasure of meeting you. I really don’t know how to thank you for everything. I hope that one day we can meet again and talk about art and music. You are an amazing woman and don’t you dare let anyone tell you different. Thanks again. This post was as much for you as it was for my friends.

 

-Valken

 

 

Speak No Evil

So I scored a day off on Tuesday this week. That was perfect because that just so happened to be the day that Kingdom Hearts 3 came out. I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t played it yet, but I will say this… It was definitely a really nostalgic moment for me.

All in all, that whole day was probably one of the best days off that I’ve had in a while. It was pretty awesome getting to sleep in on a week day for once. I spent most of the day playing Kingdom Hearts 3 and later I hopped on some Black Ops 4 with a couple of my online friends.

It’s really nice to be able to say that I’ve had a good week for a change. It’s not often that I can. It’s weird… At work, I usually feel like a ghost. Most of the people I work with, won’t even give me the time of day. Especially the girls upstairs. This week, however, everyone seemed a lot more friendly toward me. I guess I finally passed the test or something. Not sure, but I’m not going to complain. This was actually a big deal for me because I was beginning to get a little discouraged about it to be honest. It actually made my week that this happened for me.

On top of that, this Thursday’s D&D session went pretty well. I am currently apart of two separate campaigns. In one, I am an elf Ranger and in the other I am a human Paladin. So far, I like my ranger the most. I got about 16 insta-kills in a row. We ran into a group of trolls strangely hanging with a Minotaur… Yeah… Nerdy shit I know, but it makes me happy, so I love it.

Also on Thursday, I was surprised by a text from an old friend that I have known for over 10 years. She is actually my ex-girlfriend, but we didn’t end on bad terms. In fact, she is currently the only person that stayed pretty good friends with me after our break up. We talked for a couple of hours. Just catching up and reminiscing about fun times. I honestly think it was a conversation I needed to help boost me up even more this week.

I am SOOO glad that it is finally Friday. Days usually fly by at my job, but this week seemed to drag a little bit. All in all, I have to say that it has been a GREAT week. I hope all of you had great weeks as well. I am going to enjoy my weekend off. Until next Friday!

 

-Valken

(P.S… Finding a stopping point in these posts is NOT one of my strong points..)

But…This Is What You Wanted. Right?

It really irritates me when people feel the need to tell me I’m quiet as if I don’t already know.  I get quiet when I’m thinking, or simply trying to remember something. Sometimes I’m just wanting silence in general.

It’s actually pretty fucked up when you think about it considering everyone always complained that I talked too much as a child. No one wanted to listen to what I had to say then, so why try to talk to me now? What makes you so interested in what’s on my mind now?

Because of this, I just keep to myself these days. Writing is the best way for me to communicate with people. It’s sad, but it’s the only way I can truly be myself. Well, at least until I find someone that I am comfortable chatting with.

I’ve just been so stressed out and frustrated lately. So much, that it is becoming my permanent state of being. I feel like if I could get laid just one good time, it would help to release the bulk of my stress. Honestly though, the presence of a girl other than at work, would probably help as well. I mean, fuck! It’s been 7 years now.

I just don’t know what the fuck people want from me. They want me to change who I am. I get that. I DO have a few toxic traits that need to be taken care of. I bend over backward, push myself, almost KILL MYSELF to become who they want me to be. Next thing I know, they want me to revert back to the person I used to be. I just can’t catch a fucking break.

These days I’m just fucking sick all of the time. Sick of all the games being played. Sick of not having one good day. Sick of being sad all the time. Sick of being nervous all the time. Sick of being anxious all the time. Sick of always feeling stuck. Sick of always feeling like I’m drowning. Sick of caring so much about people that aren’t worth my time. Sick of trying to please people who will never be satisfied.

I could go on all fucking day with this shit. When does it all end? When will I FINALLY be good enough for someone? When will I FINALLY get a fucking win?  Will I just be in this alone forever? Is this what you wanted? Sure as hell seems that way.

 

 

-Valken

Stranger Danger

Everything is different now. I don’t mean just a slight change either. I don’t recognize the face I see in the mirror. I don’t recognize my voice when I speak. I’m not the same person I was 5, not even 10 years ago. I don’t think it has anything to do with the fact that I’ve obviously grown up, at least physically, since then either.

It’s like I’ve become a COMPLETELY different person now. I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about this. Like did I change for the better? I seriously doubt that. Not much good has happend for me lately.

I used to feel a lot better about myself. In high school I was very sanguine. They remembered me as the guy that always had a smile on his face. I always walked up to people and greeted them cheerfully. I really miss those days. The only thing I worried about, then, was graduating.

Those days I had a lot more friends. Friends that I could stay up all night talking to. Friends that I actually trusted. Unfortunately, as soon as I graduated, I only kept a few of those friends.

Everyone else just sort of phased out of my life. There aren’t enough words to describe how much I hate that. If I had known that, I would have cherished those moments more. I would have talked to them on the phone a few hours longer. I would have put more feeling into the hugs I gave them. I just wish it didn’t end this way.

We’re like strangers now. I can’t just go up to them and pick up where we left off. Hell, I’m not even sure WHERE we left off in the first place. Conversations are more awkward than anything else. I don’t know if it was due to them being busy, or they grew to hare me, but I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.

It is what it is. It would be AWESOME to be able to go back to those days. I would love to feel the happiness and comfort that I felt then. Oh well I guess. Anyone have a magic lamp on hand? I could think of a few things that I want to wish for right now.

-Valken

Guess I’ll Go Screw Myself?

I don’t know about any of you, but I am sick of it being socially unacceptable to say “good morning.” Anymore, every time you say it to people, they look at you like you just shot their fucking cat. Not only that, but simply saying “hi” to someone makes you immediately wish you hadn’t. My question is… Why is that?

“It’s this world we live in. The world is cruel.” That’s the answer I always get. I say that’s bullshit. It’s not the world that is cruel. It’s the people living in it. When did we all start hating everything and everyone. When did it become almost impossible to have a real conversation with someone?

People often tell me that I’m too nice to people. Part of gets where they are coming from, but another part of me really hates that. I just hate that there is such a thing as being too nice. That really shouldn’t be, considering how hateful most people are.

For example, I was walking around Walmart on Tuesday. I ran into a people that I know from work. Now I know that people tend to act differently outside of work, but it’s not like I expected them to have a long chat with me. All I did was smile and wave at them. They just glared at me like: “How dare you show me kindness!” When things like that happen, I can’t help, but feel a bit cross about it. I guess fuck me, right?

If they don’t like me, that would be nice to know so I don’t make the mistake of greeting them again. I’m not saying that they are obligated to  say hi back if I greet them. I’m just saying that I would rather them just ignore me, than just glare at me.

It’s things like this, that make me dislike people in general. I hate feeling like I’m the asshole for being friendly. I don’t want to change that about myself. You never know how just a few seconds of kindness can affect someone. As a person as anxious and depressed as I am, it means the world to me to see or talk to someone who is genuinely kind. Too bad that’s a bit of a rarity these days. Will things ever get better? Will we ever stop hating each other? Maybe I should just get used to the fact that the world will never change.

 

-Valken