Sleepless

I don’t sleep at night….

No. Instead I kind of just lay there motionless staring at the ceiling. What am I thinking about? I’m thinking about every place I would rather be other than here. I’m thinking about every mistake I’ve ever made. I’m thinking about tomorrow and if it will suck or not, but most of all, I’m thinking of how the HELL I’m going to get to sleep. 

I don’t sleep at night….

I’m thinking of her. If I didn’t lie and get dumped, would we still be together. Would it even matter? Would I still feel alone every day that I was with her? Would it have mattered that we argued pretty much every day? I don’t think I would be. Even before that day that I was thrown out, I was beginning to not even like her anymore let alone love her. I may still be alone, but at least I feel like I’m better off.

I don’t sleep at night….

I lay there and think of all these ideas that I have for my book that I STILL haven’t put on paper. So many character devolopments. So many new plots. I just can’t fix myself to wrote them down. It’s not like I’m doing anything else since I’m just lying awake most of the time. Maybe I need a new inspiration. Maybe I just need to get my ass up and write it down. At least it would give my insomnia a little more purpose.

I don’t sleep at night….

Where is my mind going this time? Italy? China? Outer Space? Sometimes it’s all of the above. My mind constantly wanders off. I can’t always just focus on one thing at a time. Sometimes though, my mind gets caught in a seemingly infinite loop of the same thought. Sometimes my mind gets so mixed up that I forget where I am, or even WHO I am. I just wish I could fucking sleep.

I don’t sleep at night….

Will I ever be able to? Will my thoughts and feelings ever shut up? Something has GOT to give. I’m so fucking tired of being exhausted all the time. I’m so fucking tired of flaking out on my friends because In always tired. I’m so fucking tired of being sick because of this. I’m just so fucking tired. Please…. just let me fucking sleep.

-Valken

Day 23: You Again?

Who are you???

Have you ever dreamt about the same person almost every night? That’s my current situation. I have no idea what it means. It’s always the same girl. She is native with long jet black hair. Yeah I know…. starting to sound like Pocahontas huh? Just hear me out.

In every dream, I’m with her. I’m not sure if we’re married or not, but we DO have a child together. It switches off being a girl or boy. It also keeps switching where we live, which is freakin confusing. 

I hate it. I hate it so much because it’s like my mind is teasing me. Dangling something that isn’t real in front of me. I mean… It can’t be real, right? It sucks because every fiber of my being wants it to be. Has this happens to anyone else? For anyone reading this, let me know.
-Valken

The Existential Crisis of a Depressed Man

Yeah… Go ahead. Scoff at this post. Tell me that depression and anxiety aren’t real mental illnesses. Tell me how I just need to let it go. To suck it up. Tell me how I need to just be happy because there are SO many reasons to be. Tell me how I should just be grateful to be alive. 

Yeah because being alive is the BEST thing in the world right? Not in a world where you’re not allowed to feel anything except for what everyone else feels. Like, yeah, you can be sad, but don’t you DARE be depressed. People seem to do a lot of complaining about how other people are depressed. They call them things like “big babies”, or my favorite recent term, “snowflakes.” 

It’s hilarious how people can turn something as beautiful as a snowflake into a derogatory term. Like what the fuck, people? You’d think hearing this shit enough would make me used to it to the point where I don’t care about it anymore, but you know… depression/anxiety. 

People always think that we are this way just for attention. Who the hell would even wanna FAKE this? I’m not one of those people that just self-diagnosed myself with this. I was diagnosed with both in 2007. They started me on Abilify, which I hated by the way. It basically just turned me into a human vegetable. I would just sit there staring off into space with no coherannt thought going through my head. Hmmm… sounds like the same problem I went through before they prescribed that in the first place. After a couple of more years taking a few more medications that I can’t even pronounce, I just sort of have up.

It fucking sucks when you hit that point. You just sort of stop caring. I’ve lost too many friends in my life to this. I don’t blame them. Not really. You can’t really expect anyone to live through that. The constant mood swings. The days where you sleep for 12-16 hours at a time. You can only HOPE they will still be there. So far, I only have 1 friend that I know for a FACT, will never leave. 

When did everyone else stop caring completely? There was a time in my life where I REALLY hit rock bottom and I had to sleep out of my car. I hated it because there were very few parking lots that you were allowed to sleep in. The part that sucked the MOST was, that people never asked if you were alright. No. They just immediately called the cops. Yeah… I’m sorry that I’m scaring you because I’m broke. I can understand that some people aren’t always innocent, but you didn’t even bother to ask. 

I don’t care what you think of me after reading this(Actually I kinda do). The thing is, I’m trying. I’m trying SO fucking hard to feel better about myself. It just takes time and less negative criticism. Anyways… Gotta go. Lunch break over.

-Valken

I Hope There’s A Lifeguard On Duty

Being an adult is hard. Not just because you have a lot of responsibilities, but because everyone has so many versions of what an adult is suppose to be. Everyone is always telling you your age(as if it doesn’t haunt you enough already). They tell what you’re suppose to do or who you are suppose to be. It’s exhausting to say the least.  They always base it off of their experiences as an adult. That’s not that bad, but not everyone has the same experience. I honestly couldn’t tell you what I would classify as a childish attitude.

It’s funny… I am going to be 28 years old in a week and I find it hard to care. According to the media… and my mother,  I am supposed to be married, have kids and have a big house with a 4 car garage, etc… What if that isn’t exactly what I want? When do I get a say in how my life turns out? Why does everyone else have to decide what I’m gonna do with my life?

People often try to tell me what’s best for me and what I deserve. How can they know this when I don’t even know myself? I am getting more and more detached from the people around me. I’m at the point where I just want to disappear without telling anyone. I’m a little curious though as to who would truly miss me. How long is my name gonna come up in conversations, until the finally forget about me?

I lost my cousin about a week ago. He was killed at a gas station near my house. It’s so sad that a life can be ended so quickly. I had JUST seen him alive a couple of days prior. Now all that’s left of him are constant pictures on Facebook and memories. I hate it because he was one of the few family members I had that I could ACTUALLY TALK TO for more than five seconds.

Something that really pissed me off was my grandmother’s response when I told her. She was all like, “What kinda drugs, or other trouble was he into?” Yeah because that’s the ONLY reason people get shot these days. I don’t care if it had anything to do with that. He was a great person and he didn’t deserve to die. Not like that. I miss you cousin. R.I.P….

I chose this particular title because I am drowning in so many feelings, that I can’t stay afloat anymore. I’ve been so stressed out lately with getting a new job, getting an apartment, dealing with my step mom’s constant bitching. Just so much. On the same day that my cousin died, I lost an old friend as well, so I’ve been trying to cope with that. I am so close to just giving up and letting myself drown. I’m trying my best not to. That’s all you could ask for. Right?

-Valken