You’re Fucking Hilarious, Cave Man

So I went on this date a few years back. I had been talking to this girl for a few months, so when I finally got the courage I asked her out. It was my first date in over two years, so I thought it would be nice.

So we get our food and we begin to talk about what we liked to do for fun. She was very athletic, so she like running, hiking, bike riding and a lot of other outdoor activities. I live that too, but what I really enjoy is reading and writing.

When I told her this, she had a really disgusted look on her face. She then was like “Who can just sit down and read a book? Like, how is that enjoyable. You really should get out more. Maybe then, you’ll start to enjoy something more constructive.”

That is word for word what she told me. Constuctive. CONSTRUCTIVE???! Last I checked reading is a pretty constructive hobby to have. The way she was talking about it, it was almost as if I offended her.

Look… I have no problem at all if you’re not into the same things as me. If you don’t like reading. Just say you don’t like it. Don’t talk to me as if I have a serious problem because I read for enjoyment. Reading is good for the mind weither you’re reading fiction, or non-fiction.

Needless to say, there wasn’t a second date. Saying that in the way that she did made me immediately lose interest. I’m not so sure that it would worked our anyway because I not only read a lot, I write as well. If she feels that way about people who read, it would probably be the same for someone who writes.

As a writer, support is a very big deal for me. Especially since I also suffer from severe anxiety and depression. No I’m not saying they have to like my writing by any means. I’m just saying don’t rip my soul apart for doing something that gives me even a small sense of comfort. Comfort is hard to come by these days, so I can use all I can get.

But…This Is What You Wanted. Right?

It really irritates me when people feel the need to tell me I’m quiet as if I don’t already know.  I get quiet when I’m thinking, or simply trying to remember something. Sometimes I’m just wanting silence in general.

It’s actually pretty fucked up when you think about it considering everyone always complained that I talked too much as a child. No one wanted to listen to what I had to say then, so why try to talk to me now? What makes you so interested in what’s on my mind now?

Because of this, I just keep to myself these days. Writing is the best way for me to communicate with people. It’s sad, but it’s the only way I can truly be myself. Well, at least until I find someone that I am comfortable chatting with.

I’ve just been so stressed out and frustrated lately. So much, that it is becoming my permanent state of being. I feel like if I could get laid just one good time, it would help to release the bulk of my stress. Honestly though, the presence of a girl other than at work, would probably help as well. I mean, fuck! It’s been 7 years now.

I just don’t know what the fuck people want from me. They want me to change who I am. I get that. I DO have a few toxic traits that need to be taken care of. I bend over backward, push myself, almost KILL MYSELF to become who they want me to be. Next thing I know, they want me to revert back to the person I used to be. I just can’t catch a fucking break.

These days I’m just fucking sick all of the time. Sick of all the games being played. Sick of not having one good day. Sick of being sad all the time. Sick of being nervous all the time. Sick of being anxious all the time. Sick of always feeling stuck. Sick of always feeling like I’m drowning. Sick of caring so much about people that aren’t worth my time. Sick of trying to please people who will never be satisfied.

I could go on all fucking day with this shit. When does it all end? When will I FINALLY be good enough for someone? When will I FINALLY get a fucking win?  Will I just be in this alone forever? Is this what you wanted? Sure as hell seems that way.

 

 

-Valken

Day 91: Does Anyone Even Read These?

I’m liking my new job at this hardware warehouse so far. It doesn’t stress me out near as much as my old job at the college. Mainly because at this job, I don’t have someone constantly breathing down my neck.

Speaking of which, I recently found out the dickhead chef that I used to work for there, ended up quitting shortly after I did. Turns out, I wasn’t the only one who quit on him. During the meeting that I walked out of, he lost another 60% of his other cooks. Never in my life have I known someone that an ENTIRE TOWN hated. He was literally ran out of town. He moved to Texas or something. Good riddance.

Anyways… So my job is broken up into zones. There are like 8 that I know of and I am qualified to work like 5 of the 8. I like just about all of the zones except zone 4. Zone 4 is filled with all of the painting tools, door thresholds, galvanized and plastic pipes, etc. There are also a lot of metal bars and tubes that are really sharp around the edges. Some of them are so long, that they hang over the edge of the shelf. I am pretty sure that this zone was made and stocked by Vlad The Impaler.

Apart from that, my job is super simple. It can get a bit exhausting at times though because there are a lot of heavy boxes to lift is zones 3 and 5. 3 has all of the shovels, ladders, water heaters, and glass. 5 has a lot of miscellaneous items along with different paints and paint thinner. All I have to do is scan the item, put a ticket on it and take it to its appropriate area to be sent out for delivery. I get paid 12.84 an hour and I get paid WEEKLY. I love that so much because it helps me save money better, since I’m usually too tired to go out and spend money after work anyway. Getting paid weekly is a bit of a rarity where I live.

It’s been a great month working there so far. I do have to keep an eye on things like my speed and accuracy there, but they are pretty reasonable with the numbers you have to beat. I work Monday through Friday and get the weekends off.  I usually work from 6 to 3:30 Monday through Wednesday. Thursdays and Friday are our short days. We get off at 12:30 both days. This week will be awesome because I get Christmas Eve and Christmas off, so you know what that means…. FOUR DAY WEEKEND! I have no idea what I am gonna do this weekend, or Christmas. I hope all of you have a merry Christmas! I will now be posting every Friday, so look for my next post next week. Merry Christmas everyone!

 

 

-Valken

Ode To The Desolate

Music is one of the biggest inspirations for my writing. It’s hard for me to write without music playing in the background. The song that inspired this post is called “The Lie” by Of Mice and Men. Mainly the chorus of the song, which goes like:

“You’re desolate, and no one cares. As we march ahead towards the end. You’re desolate, and no one cares. As we march ahead towards the end. And over the edge.”

It got me thinking. That’s exactly how it feels. No one really cares. In fact, all they do is criticise you and knock you for it. My question is, why? If you don’t care, why do you think you get to voice your opinion?

If you open with “I don’t care” in any sentence, your opinion automatically becomes invalid. You don’t care to know the reason, yet you think we should just “get over it?” They say that the reasoning doesn’t matter. That’s bullshit. Everything matters. 

I’m desolate because I can’t just walk into huge crowds without being thrown into a huge anxiety attack. I’m desolate because SO many of my past friends decided to leave when things for bad for me. I’m desolate because the song was right. No one cares about how alone you feel all the time. They just want you to feel the same way that they feel. Screw them. 

This is an ode to all the desolate ones our there. No… I don’t know exactly how you feel. We all have our different struggles. I just want to write this to tell you that you are not alone. I may not completely understand, but I am with you still. I at least know what it’s like to feel disconnected from the rest of the world. I think that things might be a little better if we all came together. The shitty thing about that is, it probably won’t happen for that very reason…. 

Anyway, I hope you read this. I hope you take this to heart. I’m here, you’re not completely alone, and you are more amazing than you think. When you think about it, we have the biggest hearts since we care on such a deeper level. Unfortunately, it’s that which makes us desolate in the first place…. Check out the song if you are into rock music and let me know what you think of it.

-Valken

https://open.spotify.com/track/5EDtV5qwmEHFBXjFEnQidk?si=Fz9TdpfvTIuQn6yNrgV8PQ