8 Summers

8 Summers ago….

I had FINALLY moved out of my parents house and moved in with a few friends from work. Times were great then. For the first time in so long I was genuinely happy. I no longer had to do things on anyone else’s time but my own. I didn’t feel so alone because I finally had someone to talk to and hang out with. I got to meet a lot of new people because we would have parties almost every weekend. It’s been 8 Summers since I smiled… I miss happiness.

8 Summers ago…

 I had FINALLY got my drivers license. My dad had been trying to teach me how to drive since I was 15. I hated learning from him. He made me nervous as hell because he would yell so loud if I even went ONE MILE over the speed limit. It took so long for me to gain the confidence to have my dad take me to the DMV. Since I was over 21 at the time, I got to do the written and drivers test on the same day if I wanted. It took me 3 freakin tries to pass the written test. Once I finally passed it, I decided to wait to take the drivers test. I failed the test the first time because I accidentally went 45 in a 40 and I turned the wheels the wrong way hill parking. I got to take it the next day thankfully and I passed. I was so happy. It was my birthday when I passed as well and as an added bonus, my parents gave me my first car that day. It’s been 8 Summers since I did that… I miss freedom. 

8 Summers ago…

 I got the courage to finally start talking to girls. I hadn’t had a relationship since high school and the breakup was pretty bad. I ended up meeting the girl that would change my whole outlook on life since then. It was crazy at first. At the time, she was already taken, but for some reason, I still wanted to pursue her. It took a little over 6 months until she was single and we began to talk. When we finally made it official it was so great. She actually asked ME out. She would always come over. We would stay up late just talking. We didn’t even have to be talking about anything specific. We dated for 3 years before it ended. To this day, it was the worst breakup I ever had. It’s been 8 Summers since we first kissed… I miss comfort.

8 Summers ago…

I was 22 then. Time didn’t seem to pass by as fast in those times. I had a car, a girlfriend, and my own place. I couldn’t have been happier. Why did I screw that up? Why did I make it so I lost all of that at the same time? I really need to stop beating myself up about it. I learned a lot of valuable lessons in those times. I finally learned how it was in the real world. I finally learned what most people’s intentions were. I’m 30 years old now. A lot has changed, but not really at the same time. I’m still trying to figure put my life. It sucks, but I just have to keep moving forward. It’s been 8 Summers since my life officially began… I miss who I was back then. 

-Valken 

Brandee (BabyGirl)

It’s like this girl…

I still to this day have no idea where you came from. We just randomly started playing COD together. Never in a million years would I have guessed that you would become such an important part of my life. It’s funny who life throws at you.

I didn’t even think you liked me very much. Next thing I knew, we were staying up late talking. Sometimes till the crack of dawn. We would talk all night about anime, or whatever else was on our minds. I remember that first night we talked. We just shared our favorite pictures of ourselves. You gave me a confidence I didn’t know I had.

What has it been now? Like 4 years? Maybe longer? It’s crazy I’ve known you for so long, yet we haven’t officially met yet. Don’t worry.  I aim to change that soon. You are one of many stops I have to make really soon. 

I wanted to write about you to tell you that I am grateful for every moment I get to speak to you. You have NO IDEA how much you really mean to me. You always seem to have great timing. Almost every time I’m down, I suddenly get a message from you and I forget about whatever is bothering me. I also wanna tell you that even if you didn’t have great timing, it wouldn’t matter because it wouldn’t change how I feel. 

I love you. I hope you enjoy reading this post. Hope to be able to see you soon!

-Valken

Ian

Before I lived in my current apartment, I lived in an apartment complex that used to be a nursing home. It wasn’t so bad despite being filled with mostly old people. I only say that because I thought I would have a lot of noise complaints against me, but ad it turns out, I was pretty quiet most of the time.

The first few weeks kind of sucked because I had no furniture. I had to sleep on the hard floor. They had carpet, but it wasn’t very thick. I might as well have concrete floors, since there wasn’t much of a difference. 

I woke up so sore. Most mornings it took me like 20 minutes just to stand. Sleeping on a floor with a steel hip did not mix at all. I ate all my meals on the floor too. Mostly just bologna sandwiches since I couldn’t afford much better while I was still getting settled in. It was cool though. I was just happy to get out of my Dad’s house.

It wasn’t until I was a few months in that I met Ian. Ian has Autism. He had to have a nurse check on him every night. He couldn’t go to the grocery store, or the library without his nurse with him. Despite all of that, he was one of the kindest souls that I ever had the pleasure of meeting.

Every morning, Ian would yell hi to me from across the room. No matter how far away he was from me. He would then proceed to show me this app on his phone. The app was actually really cool. When you spoke into it normally, it would say what you said backwards. You could also speak backward to it and it would speak back to you normally. He would show it to me every time he saw me. It didn’t bother me at all that he would sometimes show it to me 10 times a day. The reason for that is, I LOVE listening to someone talk about something that they are passionate about, or something that just makes them really happy. It just always makes me feel good to listen to that.

Ian would always tell me that I sound like this guy on a gaming channel on YouTube. I can’t remember the guy’s name, but he swore up and down that I sounded like him. He always used to tell me that I was so well spoken and that I didn’t speak in Ebonics like most of the other black guys he knew. Ian had no filter. 

I didn’t get mad or offended by this because I knew what he meant. I know he will probably never read this post, but in the off chance he does, I hope he knows how much he always brightened my days. I hope he knows that no matter how much he repeated himself, it didn’t matter because I would always listen. 

I don’t see Ian anymore now that I live on a new apartment. That really sucks because these days I can use a pick-me-up. We need more people like Ian in the world. People who are just genuinely kind. I think the world would be a lot better. This is for you, Ian. Miss ya man.

-Valken

Day 23: You Again?

Who are you???

Have you ever dreamt about the same person almost every night? That’s my current situation. I have no idea what it means. It’s always the same girl. She is native with long jet black hair. Yeah I know…. starting to sound like Pocahontas huh? Just hear me out.

In every dream, I’m with her. I’m not sure if we’re married or not, but we DO have a child together. It switches off being a girl or boy. It also keeps switching where we live, which is freakin confusing. 

I hate it. I hate it so much because it’s like my mind is teasing me. Dangling something that isn’t real in front of me. I mean… It can’t be real, right? It sucks because every fiber of my being wants it to be. Has this happens to anyone else? For anyone reading this, let me know.
-Valken

Eyes Like Winter

It’s 7:30. Why are you still here?

I often feel like I need a break from people. Not all people, just mainly my family. For the past two and a half years, they’ve been all I have seen. I never leave the house because I have no car. Not like it would matter anyway because I don’t have any friends where I currently live. They drive me up the wall because they are ALWAYS here. I mean… If I were them and I had the means, I would get the hell outta here every chance I got. I wouldn’t give a damn how tired I was. I feel like a prisoner in this house. I feel so awkward around them because I have absolutely no connection with any of them. Everything I do is strange to them. Their strange is my “normal”, if such a word actually exists. 

Why is it that people linger, when you really just want them to go away? My mornings usually start off by being rudely awoken by my stepmom, screaming at my little brother to get up. No matter how loud she screams, he never gets up, so why bother screaming? If it were me, I would have been LITERALLY dragged out of bed. Every morning I really want to do that, just so he can hurry up and get dressed and get out of the house. 

I really hate it when people tell me to do things, like I didn’t offer to do it for them already. Why do people always have to feel in charge? No one else is going to give a shit in the end. Just accept the offer the first time and shut the fuck up. It doesn’t matter if I do anything anyway. No one cares. The one time that I don’t do it, or I do something wrong, it will be as if I’ve NEVER done anything at all. The word appreciation does exists anymore. It’s not like I do it for a thank you, but it would be nice to be treated as if I am the only one who steps up to do it all the time.

I miss you…

Do you really? Honestly, I can’t tell sometimes. If you really miss me, maybe you would call to check on me for a change. If you really miss me, maybe you’d come see me, instead of asking when I will be able to come see YOU again. What happened to those long nights staying up till 4 in the morning, just talking about weird stuff. We used to hang out all the time, without have a specific activity in mind. As long as we were hanging out, it didn’t matter. I spend most of my nights alone. It’s hard to find friends that don’t throw me into constant anxiety attacks. You didn’t…. You didn’t judge me. You understood that I can’t control it sometimes. What happened to us? Why don’t we talk anymore? Did you finally get tired of me? Well… I DO miss you. Let’s talk again sometime.

I hope you know… This means war.

I hate seeing all these posts on Facebook talking about, “A relationship isn’t real if neither person fights for it.” Why the hell would you NEED to fight for it, if it’s real? It just makes no sense to me. I just think the idea of having to fight for a relationship everyday would be exhausting. I spent THREE YEARS fighting for a relationship to the point where I was questioning why I was in the relationship in the first place. Yeah… No thanks. I prefer a relationship where both of us are giving 100%. That is something better for me to hope for.

It’s not you. It’s me.

This is my most hated excuse for ending any relationship. It’s not you. It’s me. Really? Well, I am kind of starting to think that it’s me because that is the excuse of EVERY one of my friendships, or relationships that have ended. I don’t give a shit about your problems. I mean I do, in the sense that I am here to help. That’s what friends are for. To help you through them to the best of our ability.

I have lost SO many friends over the years. For the dumbest of reasons too. Either they were offended by a facebook post thinking it was about them, they felt that they didn’t have enough time for me, they thought they were a bad friend, or they fell in love with me and couldn’t handle the fact that I didn’t have the same feelings. That last one, I have had happen to me 7 times in my life. It basically makes me feel like I lost my friend because I was being myself. I thought that being yourself is what people WANTED you to do? I guess I was wrong. I seem to be wrong about a lot of things these days.

And so it ends…

Now I am back to square one. Spending my nights alone with nothing to keep me company, but my own thoughts. It’s back to staring at the ceiling, with no coherent thought going through my head. I just lay there…staring… My eyes empty and as cold as winter. Just like my heart. Fuck it all… Right?

-Valken

Grey Mindset

4:00 AM: I am beginning to wonder if there is some sort of significance to this time. I always wake up at this particular time before being rudely awakened by my step mom as she screams at my little brother to get up. I don’t get it. It’s not like I have anything to do then. Most nights when I wake up at this time, I just kind of lay there, staring at the ceiling. That, or I am thinking about a weird dream I had, prior to waking up.

Maybe I’m not awake at all. It’s hard to tell these days, being an insomniac. I never sleep well. Without sleeping pills, I would be up until that dreadful hour that I keep waking up at.  Most nights, I don’t want to go to sleep at all. I don’t know why. It’s not like being awake makes it any better. Maybe its just that I am tired of sleeping alone every night. Have I done anything about this though? I guess you can say that I am trying, but I don’t feel like I am.

Anxiety: Most people have no idea that I have suffered from this, since I was a child. People often sigh, or roll their eyes at this, but its not something to take lightly. It’s hard when you never feel like you are good enough. I am always second guessing myself and overthinking things. I’ve even had anxiety attacks in public before. That has to be the worst experience, next to shitting yourself in public, which I have done… TWICE.

Everyone just sits there staring at you like you are some kind of freak. No one tries to help you. Some laugh. Others get angry and shout things like: “Be a man! Suck it up!” Who the fuck are you to tell me things like this? Do you even know what “be a man” even means?

I’ve tried taking medicine for it, but all it does is make me feel even MORE emotionally unstable. I would have to take 15 different types of pills to balance it all out, which would just be exhausting. I guess I will just have to find someone, who understands and would tolerate it. Fat chance…

Dating: This has probably been the most mentally and emotionally exhausting experience for me. I hate the whole concept of dating. For those who haven’t kept up with my past posts, I used to be active on a dating site called Plenty of Fish. I am NOW active on OkCupid. I really don’t know why I switched. There really isn’t that much of a difference between the two. It’s not all bad really though. I got a couple hits on the site. The thing I hate is that no one seems to read your description before they message you. I don’t know why. It’s easy.

It makes things a lot harder when they don’t because I put a lot of disclaimers in my description. Like for instance, the fact that I don’t have a car, or the that I live with my parents. Then when they ask, they act like they are surprised. I don’t write that thing for nothing. I like online dating because it sort of… takes all the awkwardness out of the first date. The only other part that you worry about is that they look like they do in all of their pictures. Yes… Though I am not shallow in the slightest, looks are a LITTLE of a factor in first talking to someone. Not much though. I don’t really care about weight because I’m not the most fit guy there is. I just wish people didn’t make dating so complicated. What happened to “I like you.”

Everyone is too busy looking for these fairy tale weddings. That sort of things don’t really exist. Love is what you make of it. I don’t really understand the whole concept of love. I am happy with a girl just looking me in the eyes and saying. “I like you.” Those three words mean more to me than love really. They like me. Out of all the people they could have chosen to talk to, they enjoy talking to me. They want to be with me. They don’t have to love me to do these things… Sigh…

4:39 PM: That’s what time it is right now. What am I doing besides typing this post? Folding clothes. OTHER people’s clothes. That’s pretty much what my day consisted of everyday before I finally got a job a Walmart. Sometimes I hate that this is pretty much what my life consists of, but at least it’s beginning to look up. I am finally talking to a girl that I met on OkCupid. The talking part is going ok, but it is hard when I don’t have a car to go see her. We’ve only been talking for two weeks though, so I don’t know why this is even getting to me. We’ve met once. We took a walk through this nice park area. It’s nice talking to someone who can ACTUALLY hold a conversation. Why is this SO hard for people?

There is an entire WORLD of conversation out there. I think what we worry about most is if they are interested in what we are saying. With my anxiety, I often wonder this when I talk to anyone. Sometimes I wonder why I even have a phone. Besides here and the few friends I have, no one talks to me. Even when I talk to most of my friends, the conversation never lasts long because they actually HAVE lives. Not me though. Well I do, just not as eventful.

Life: I often ask myself what I want out of it. The main thing that I want out of life is to be comfortable. It seems like a small thing to ask, but has been proven the most difficult thing ever. I also would just like to live it without people worrying what I am gonna do with it. Why is this impossible? I will have at least one of these things one day. Until then, I will be waiting silently in the shadows. I will be silent, but my mind will not.

-Valken

My Mental Purgatory.

Liora Mendez, Mercedes Elise, Joyce, Emerald Caine, Raven Starr, Tobias Valken, Warren Valken,Barik Valken Jace Vasher, Leslie Kennison, Katie Murphy, Jeff Barker, Treus Liger, Jordan Loewen, Jessica Poole, Johnny Poole, Johnny Poole Jr, Janessa Poole, Tessa McClanahan, Paige Daugherty, Michelle Marshall, Nikki Gant, Alicia Booker, Tiffany Winchester, Brittany Johnson, Maria Hernandez, Jessi Whitson, Alex File, Dacia Morris, Desiree Peggle, Katherine Rueda, Crystal Dacosta, Rebekah Bonson, Rebekah Story, Marianna Mortera, Melodi Kolbek, Melodi Savage, Rachel Savage, Sara Wilson, Giana Young, Brandee Lyons, 12/21/2007, 9/23/1987, 01/15/2003, 09/27/2006, 09/23/2010, 03/17/2005. I bet you’re wondering what the hell all these names and dates mean. These are SOME of the things that go through my head EVERY. FUCKING. NIGHT. These names and dates are part of what keeps my mind going about 100 miles an hours.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Whoever said that was not lying. Its a very good saying. I just think it needs to say a little bit more than that. A mind is a terrible thing to waste on thoughts that do nothing, but cripple your entire way of thinking. No. Not all these names and dates are bad. Actually most of them are good. I just think that its about time that most of those names and dates be erased from my memories forever. I just wish that were even possible. Most of those names are names of girls that I either liked at some point, like now, or had some other influence in my life that I can never forget, though most of the time, I want to.

The sad part about all of this is, despite all of the craziness inside of my head, it’s more interesting inside there, than it is out here. That’s how it usually is for everyone though right? I have no idea what the fuck it is that I am doing. I mean yeah… I’m enrolled in school, but that doesn’t start till January. I’ve applied for jobs, but haven’t heard anything yet. Most of my life now is all about waiting. I wouldn’t be so bothered by this, if EVERYONE else wasn’t bothered as well. Constantly asking me about how things were going. I’m not gonna give you weekly fucking updates on how things are going. I don’t even get that, so why the fuck would I do it for you? They have no idea that THEY are the very reason, I can’t think about anything happening right now in front of me. Everyone is so bent on the past and the future. Why does NO ONE think in the now?

I have hurt a lot of the girls on that list. Not all were intentional, I just did to the point where there was nothing I could do, or say to fix it. Some of the names on that list are names that I MYSELF actually went by in darker times. What am I saying? Times are still dark for me even though I make such a huge effort to mask that. I shouldn’t be this way still. Especially when I have so many people surrounding me that make my life better. Wait… Nope. That’s not true either. I don’t have any friends, but a few and they aren’t NEARLY enough to completely help, but don’t get me wrong, they do as much as they can. I love the few friends that I have. Even more than 90% of my family members which is fucking sad.

Everyday I get more and more irritable toward the people around me. Like right now I’m listening to everyone in my house speak and I want nothing more than to scream at them to shut the fuck up, at the top of my lungs. They are always screaming at each other, trying to tell me useless facts that I already know, asking me questions. Yeah, I’m not too fond of questions. Not because I have a lot to hide. We all have things to hide. It’s more the fact that them know, doesn’t help them in ANY way. My step mom does it to try and get me to open up. She has no idea that it is way too late for that. You can’t change a lifetime of habits so easily. You can try, but it’s just going to end up pissing me off even more.

All I have left are these names and dates. Forever buried in my mental graveyard. I will be trapped inside my head forever, it seems. Left to spin in this mental purgatory forever. Hey… At least I have company here, in a sense.

-Valken

If You Have To Ask, Then its Probably None Of Your Fucking Business

Its been a shitty week. I couldn’t mean that in a more literal sense. I have an intestinal issue that I believe is Chrone’s. I’m not sure though because I haven’t had the money, or the insurance to do so. It fucking sucks. I can’t even walk a few blocks without having to go to the bathroom and when I have to go, I have to go. There is no holding it for long, unless I can keep my mind on something else. Of course that is hard when you have a pain in your stomach. You have no idea how literally shitty that is.

I can’t even go for long car rides because even eating something small makes me have to go. I try to go to sleep to keep my mind off of it, but of course if I cant sleep at home, how the hell am I gonna be able to sleep in a car? I can’t wait till I can get a job with some insurance. I need to get this checked out as soon as possible. Ive shit myself twice in public. TWICE! Do you know how embarrassing that is? I feel like a fucking child that can’t hold it.

Tedious… That’s my life in one word. It seems like everything I do is that way. With everything I do, I have to jump through a million obstacles to do so. I can’t blame anyone, but myself. Because of the lifestyle I chose, I have go spend the rest of my life kicking in doors. I can’t say it doesn’t leave for a more INTERESTING way of living though. It doesn’t make any better either….

I finally did it. I enrolled in college. I really should be happy about this, but its hard to. It just feels so surreal. I haven’t been to school in 9 years. When I DID go straight out of highschool, I was only going to follow a girl. The girl I followed, ended up breaking up with me mid-way into the school year. Yeah, so that was a big bust. It made me realize that I was going to school for all the wrong reasons and I had no business even being there. I wish I would’ve thought of that, BEFORE I landed myself over $10,000 in debt before I was old enough to drink. Sigh… You live and you learn. I just wish I didn’t always have to learn the hard lessons.

Anyway, I am officially enrolled. I had to take a placement test before I could enroll though. That sucked royally to be honest. I understand that you wanna make sure someone is able to take college courses, but seriously? Algebra? I haven’t been to school in 10 freakin years. Unless your job in between college is a mathematician, you’re probably not gonna be doing anything that requires you to do algebra. That’s why I was suprised that I did well enough to be placed in beginners algebra. I mean, I was good at math in highschool, don’t get me wrong, but that was some tough stuff to remember. I expected to do well on the reading and writing part of the test. Reading and writing are about all I’m good at besides computers, which is what I’m majoring in.

I really hope this works out. I need to get the fuck out of here. I fucking hate not having a moment to myself. I can’t even attempt to leave the house withpit someone asking where I’m going. I wanna say “Well I’m trying to get the fuck away from you for at least five minutes, but fuck it now. You’ve ruined it.”

I cant even fucking masturbate in peace. Yes. I do masturbate. What single 27 year old guy DOESN’T? I’m not ashamed of it. I haven’t had sex in two years. I have to have SOME WAY to release all this tension. It sucks when your trying to rub one out and everyone in the house decides they wanna have a shouting match, scream your name every five minutes, or see how loud they can stomp around upstairs. It also doesn’t help that I share a room with my thirteen year old brother. I have to wait until everyone is gone. I hate that you have to hide it in the first place. Not that I want people to watch me masturbate. That would be gross and a little awkward, I’m just saying it shouldn’t be treated as such a taboo. Anyway, I need a drink. Not that it’ll help, but at least it will help take the edge off.

-Valken

Red Outlined Eyes

I am so fucking tired. Tired of constantly getting headaches. Tired of not being able to sleep at night. I’m tired of friends deciding how I’m gonna feel about something before I get the chance to. I’m tired of never sleeping well when I DO sleep. I’m tired of having nightmare after nightmare about the same thing. I’m tired of being alone all the time, though it’s been so long, it’s become the norm… I’m tired of putting on a face like I’m ok when I’m not. I’m tired of being so fucking sad all the time. Most of all, I am tired of being forced to make people happy that I don’t like, and who could give two shits about me.

People often misunderstand the definition of insomnia. They think that I don’t sleep at all. I sleep, but I never feel rested when I wake up. When you’re an insomniac, its hard to tell the difference between asleep and awake. No one understands this though. Especially my step mom. She’s all like “If you go to bed early, you won’t stay up late” Well congratulations… You’ve solved the mystery. If it were that simple, don’t you think I would’ve done that? I wish I knew something that could help.

I feel so smothered here. I always talked about how I was a ghost in my old house. I guess I kinda got used to it because here, its like I can’t get ANY time to myself. Even the fucking cats bother me. I’ll be just trying to relax and the fucking little hell beasts decide they wanna cuddle. I’m smothered by my step mom. I know she means well, and is trying to make some sort of connection with me, but I fear it a little late for that. I like being alone in this basement. Its quiet. I live with an 11 year old sister and a 13 year old brother. They are so buried in their iPhones, that they rarely leave the house. I just want peace dammit!

Of course I don’t get that though. I can’t even take naps without getting in trouble. Its bad enough that I can’t get a decent sleep. Why can’t I atleast attempt to? I hate it when people try to make it personal. They say things like “I never got a break when it was me cleaning.” I don’t give a fuck about you. The reason for that is you had nothing better to do anyway. I do have better things to do than constantly clean up after people. I don’t care if you think its constructive, or not. I don’t know how much more of this shit I can take. I need a fucking drink.

-Valken

Coveted Reunions

3 AM and I am bored. Not bored because there is nothing to do, but bored with people and things around me. They always talk about the same things. Partying, drinking, drugs, having sex with their boyfriends and girlfriends. Even how much they cheat on them. They laugh about this like its a fucking joke. I don’t think they realize how much this makes me hate them. They sit there living their “happy” lives, while I silently watch from the shadows. They are not happy. I can see it in their faces. They are never satisfied with one thing. They always want more. What more can you ask for? You have people in your life that stay. You have people that would give anything for you and you don’t want that. I want to rip that smirk right off of your faces. I AM RAGE!

4 AM and I am awake. I am always awake. It’s getting so close to the anniversary of your death. I don’t know how I am going to handle another year without you. I try and I try to find someone new. It isn’t easy though because out of habit, I compare them to you. No one ever compares. All of these girls look and act the same to me. They bore the shit out of me. There are times that I get close to having some kind of connection, but I end up pushing them away because I can’t just hold on to one thing that I like without thinking of you again. I often think of what it would be like, if you were still alive. I dream of our daughter Mercedes all the time. Being able to hold her in my arms. I wonder if my life would be different. I wonder if I wouldn’t hate everything as much as I do. I will never know these things. I still have not accepted that fact. I fear that I never will. I AM ANGUISH…

5 AM and my head is all mixed up. I am so sick of living the life that people want of me. I seriously don’t give a shit, if I am living in your house, or not. That doesn’t mean that you have any type of leverage over me. I do things on my time as I see fit. Asking me every single day isn’t going to change anything. Why should I live your lives anyway? You’re clearly not happy. You’re constantly tired, you walk around grumpy all the time. You say this is life. Bullshit! This isn’t life. It’s not any life that I am interested in living. You claim that what you are doing is in my best interests. HA! All you are managing to do is make me feel uncomfortable. That is a bad idea. I do horrible things when I am uncomfortable. I AM MISERY…

6 AM and I am numb. Most days/nights, I find myself just staring at the ceiling. The fucked up part of this is, where I am living now, there isn’t even much of a ceiling to start at. How sad is that? I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Forced to put on masks, respect, and censor myself for people that I don’t even like. I am not here to impress these people. They will never be impressed by me because I will never conform to their needs. Everyday I am losing grip of reality. I create my own worlds because it is my only escape. I try talking to my friends, but they will never truly understand. They actually HAVE other friends to talk to. I only have them. You would think that would be enough, but I am not so sure. Thoughts constantly spread through my mind like cancer. I think maybe I should just give up. I AM DESPAIR…

7 AM…. As I write all of this, all of these feelings begin to disappear. That is not a good thing. Not for you anyway. I long for release. That doesn’t have anything to do with sex. What I mean is, I long to be released from human emotion. I don’t want to care anymore. Maybe that will help with the pain. If I don’t feel, maybe I won’t think of Liora, or Mercedes anymore. I love them both, but I don’t want to love them anymore. It’s destroying me. I know that isn’t possible though. There is no one out there who can release from all this. If there is, I won’t rest until I find them. Until then, a part of my soul will be ripped away each day until there is nothing left. If it is me that has to do this, well… I guess I am shit out of luck. I AM CHAOS!

-Valken