Sleepless

I don’t sleep at night….

No. Instead I kind of just lay there motionless staring at the ceiling. What am I thinking about? I’m thinking about every place I would rather be other than here. I’m thinking about every mistake I’ve ever made. I’m thinking about tomorrow and if it will suck or not, but most of all, I’m thinking of how the HELL I’m going to get to sleep. 

I don’t sleep at night….

I’m thinking of her. If I didn’t lie and get dumped, would we still be together. Would it even matter? Would I still feel alone every day that I was with her? Would it have mattered that we argued pretty much every day? I don’t think I would be. Even before that day that I was thrown out, I was beginning to not even like her anymore let alone love her. I may still be alone, but at least I feel like I’m better off.

I don’t sleep at night….

I lay there and think of all these ideas that I have for my book that I STILL haven’t put on paper. So many character devolopments. So many new plots. I just can’t fix myself to wrote them down. It’s not like I’m doing anything else since I’m just lying awake most of the time. Maybe I need a new inspiration. Maybe I just need to get my ass up and write it down. At least it would give my insomnia a little more purpose.

I don’t sleep at night….

Where is my mind going this time? Italy? China? Outer Space? Sometimes it’s all of the above. My mind constantly wanders off. I can’t always just focus on one thing at a time. Sometimes though, my mind gets caught in a seemingly infinite loop of the same thought. Sometimes my mind gets so mixed up that I forget where I am, or even WHO I am. I just wish I could fucking sleep.

I don’t sleep at night….

Will I ever be able to? Will my thoughts and feelings ever shut up? Something has GOT to give. I’m so fucking tired of being exhausted all the time. I’m so fucking tired of flaking out on my friends because In always tired. I’m so fucking tired of being sick because of this. I’m just so fucking tired. Please…. just let me fucking sleep.

-Valken

Timeless

Of all the things I can’t stand, the concept of time would have to be number one. It never seems to be on your side. When you want it to go fast, it goes slow. When you want it to go slow, it goes too fast. Is it all in my head? That I don’t know… All I know is it get on my nerves. 

You can’t outrun time. It’s always moving forward, never backward. We never seem to have enough of it. All I hear lately is “Time is short,” or “You only live once.” Well I don’t know about time being short, but you only DIE once. You live every day. I can’t stand that fucking saying. 

It would be nice to have all the time in the world for certain things. So many people wish they had an infinite amount of time, but what would you do with it? Would you use it to spend more time with your family? Would you use it to love your significant other more? How about finish that degree you’ve been procrastinating on? 

One thing that I would do with more time is gain more knowledge. I wanna travel to different libraries around the world and see what knowledge they have to offer. I would live to meet new people and hear their stories. It would be so cool to make new friends around the world. Not that I couldn’t do this now, but with more time, I could do so much more. 

It would be nice to be timeless. To have no hinders by time. It would also be bad because you would have to watch all your loved ones die. For now, I would settle for not being bothered by what is. These days, I feel like I don’t even have time to have a conversation with people. What would you do with more time? Let me know.

-Valken

5AM

5AM: Seems this is the time that I am waking up lately. At least for the past few days.  Luckily I have been off work for spring break. Even so, I don’t particularly like waking up at this horrid time of day. It’s not quite light outside yet because for another two weeks, it is still winter. I seriously wish winter would hurry up and end, so my leg would stop hurting. That makes waking up at this time worse because it’s still freaking freezing at 5 AM, which makes the pain a thousand times worse. I wish I had something better to take for the pain.

5AM: It really sucks waking up with only your thoughts to keep you company. I find it incredibly sad that I have two roommates and I still feel alone. I turn on the tv, but I don’t pay attention to what is on. The only way I can fall back asleep is by turning on the sound of an ocean storm on YouTube. That or the sounds of trains, or singing whales. Weird I know…. I also have my fan. I don’t get why I need white noise to sleep. I just wish it would help me to get a good nights sleep. Falling asleep is one thing, but actually getting rest…. Nearly impossible for me.

5AM: I decided to make an account on Pandora. I didn’t get the premium version since I already pay for google music. The only reason I made it is I got a new laptop and the only trusted music services they have is Spotify and Pandora. So far, I’m not disappointed because I’m really digging this Vancouver Sleep Clinic playlist I created. I thought this might help me to get some sleep as well, but of course it didn’t… In fact, it ended up making me think more, which kept me up longer.

5AM: I found this group called “Houses” on Pandora. I like how chill their music is. It’s very relaxing when your thoughts are trying to tear you apart. One song in particular that I like is their song titled “A Quiet Darkness.” It speaks to me so much. It talks about not being able to burn a memory out of your mind. It really hits me when I listen to one of the lyrics in their song. It goes “In dreams there’s a way to die.” It’s sad that it hits me so hard listening to that part. Especially since I interpret it differently than they are trying to convey. I take it as, In dreams there is a way to die, but without consequence. Without the consequence of everyone being sad. Without the consequence of leaving someone you love behind. I hate that whatever you do, good or bad, there is always some kind of consequence that you have to live with.

5AM: Here I am again…. Just laying here staring at the fucking ceiling. It’s almost as if I’m waiting for it to fall on top of me. Maybe that’s what I want. I don’t know. Some nights I’m not even thinking of anything specific. It’s just a hurricane of thoughts flooding through my mind all at once. How my head hasn’t exploded yet just eludes me. How do you turn off your brain? How do you get rid of the memories that haunt you night after night?  Does it ever get better? How are people so damn self motivated? I feel like I just need some sort of distraction. Not so sure if that would help and if it did, how long it would. Oh well…. back to the drawing board I guess?

 

 

 

-Valken

Hope You Can Fit A Size 14

Here he is again…. Just sitting with this blank stare on his face. A beer in one hand and his phone in the other. He has no idea why he has his phone. No one calls him. Not anyone he cares about anyway. Most of his friends message him on FB or other messaging apps. He’s fine with this because he only has a small number of people that he can stand to be on the phone with. Talking to people is exhausting for him anymore because everyone always talks about the same fucking thing over… and over… .and over…. Either work, school, the dumb fuck that they slept with last night, while drunk. It’s all the same.

He’s listening to that same song again. The same song over and over. The song that reminds him of his ex and all of his former friends that left him for whatever reason. The reason doesn’t matter to him anymore. He knows he shouldn’t play it, but for some reason, despite the lonely feeling he gets, he still wants to hang on to the small memories of them. He takes a sip of his beer.

He forgot to eat again. His stomach is constantly growling from hunger, but he can’t fix himself to get up. “I ate a big lunch yesterday. I should be fine,” he says to himself. He didn’t. He isn’t.  He is nowhere NEAR fine. He keeps holding on to every terrible memory of the past. He tries not to, but he can’t. You see… That’s his curse. He remembers… everything… He takes another sip of his beer.

His teeth are rotting out of his mouth. He makes up all the excuses in the world, but he knows the truth. Everyone else probably does too. It’s a combination of poor dental hygiene and a former addiction to prescription meds. He just gave up. He just stopped caring about his teeth. Soon… He stopped caring about everything. He takes another sip of his beer.

He’s staring at that fucking wall again… What’s he thinking about this time? All the work he is going to get done? Finally finishing school? No. Of course not. He’s thinking about the same damn thing all the time. His bullshit job. His ex that left him because he was a fucking loser. His friends that left him because they couldn’t handle his constant depression and anxiety. He goes to take another sip of his bee… No! He shouts “Fuck it!” loud enough for the entire apartment complex to hear. He throws the bottle against the wall as hard as he can. The glass breaks all over the floor. Some even hits him in the face, but he doesn’t care. He just can’t take it anymore. He can’t stand to live in the fucked up situation anymore. He looks at the bottle of pills next to him…. He goes to reach for it, but stops.

“No,” he says. “I’m not going to go out like that. I still have plenty of people that I care about. People that would be really messed up if I go like this.” He stands up. Cleans the glass up off the floor. He then pours himself a glass of water and makes a sandwich. He is starting to feel better. Things just got bad again. It happens every once in a while. The only thing keeping him going is the fact that he has great friends. Not many, but good enough where he doesn’t need a lot. The ones he has are enough.

The man in this story is me. I struggle so much with my depression and anxiety and I constantly fight this every day. I have help now though. Though I feel alone every day, I know that I am not alone. No… They aren’t enough to completely cure my depression and anxiety. That’s ok though. They help me get through it. They never leave me. That’s all that matters. That’s more than enough.

 

 

-Valken

Day 23: You Again?

Who are you???

Have you ever dreamt about the same person almost every night? That’s my current situation. I have no idea what it means. It’s always the same girl. She is native with long jet black hair. Yeah I know…. starting to sound like Pocahontas huh? Just hear me out.

In every dream, I’m with her. I’m not sure if we’re married or not, but we DO have a child together. It switches off being a girl or boy. It also keeps switching where we live, which is freakin confusing. 

I hate it. I hate it so much because it’s like my mind is teasing me. Dangling something that isn’t real in front of me. I mean… It can’t be real, right? It sucks because every fiber of my being wants it to be. Has this happens to anyone else? For anyone reading this, let me know.
-Valken

A.K.A. No One Special

What’s up man? Remember me? Nah. Of course you wouldn’t remember me. We were only the best of friends since elementary school. We used to do everything together.

Remember those games we used to play at recess? You know, when we would role play. We made up so many different scenarios. Those were good times. We didn’t have a care in the world. It didn’t even matter who was watching either. 

How about when we started playing kick ball. Those were good and bad. I remember when we got into a fight. I hated that time. I hated not talking to you. I mean…. you were my only friend. It took the teacher noticing that we weren’t talking to finally come to our senses. 

I even remember you coming over to my house a lot because you were getting picked on at home and you wanted to learn how to fight. I knew a little bit, so I taught you a few things. I liked those times because it felt nice to be needed for once.

Hell, I even remember our pact that we made. Don’t you? No? You don’t remember us saying that we were going to build a giant metal beetle and travel around the rainforest collecting insects. It sounds silly now, I know, but back then, I seriously wanted to do that. I even collected all the computer parts and metal pieces I found laying around. We were kids then. Just stupid little kids…or were we? 

Then in middle school, it’s like everything just…ended. We suddenly stopped sitting together at lunch. We stopped waving to each other in the hallway. Soon, we just stopped talking to each other all together. What happend? What changed? Is it something that I did, or said? Our friendship just seemed to phase out for no reason at all. 

I hate that term by the way. Phased out…. It’s such a bullshit reason to me. Look man… I’m just writing to say that I miss those times. I miss my friend. I know that you probably don’t even know who I am anymore. Unfortunately for me… I remember you.

It’s my gift you know. My gift is that I remember everything. My curse is that I remember…everything.

-Valken A.K.A. No One Special

Day 1: I’m Doing Alright

You always had to butt into my business. Always worrying about what I was doing. You told me that I needed to stop spending so much money. It’s MY money! Not yours. If I wanna spend it on things I want, then I can. I’ll save when I need to. Just fuck off. I was doing alright without your help.

I don’t need to be told that something is wrong with my stomach. I already know that. You constantly keep telling me to go to the doctor. For what? So they can tell me something I already know? It’s really not THAT bad. I don’t need to waste money in a doctor’s office, when I’m managing my symptoms just fine. Just fuck off. I was doing alright without your help.

So you don’t want me to go to a university right out of highschool? Yeah it’s expensive, but I can get a job to pay for it. I also got a scholarship that gives me a little bit of money to go there. I just want to be with my friends and my girlfriend. At least I’m GOING to college. Oh you think I should stay home and go to community college instead? Just fuck off. I was doing alright without your help…. or was I? Turns out it was me that needed to fuck off. I should have listened. Now it’s too late.

-Valken

Grey Mindset

4:00 AM: I am beginning to wonder if there is some sort of significance to this time. I always wake up at this particular time before being rudely awakened by my step mom as she screams at my little brother to get up. I don’t get it. It’s not like I have anything to do then. Most nights when I wake up at this time, I just kind of lay there, staring at the ceiling. That, or I am thinking about a weird dream I had, prior to waking up.

Maybe I’m not awake at all. It’s hard to tell these days, being an insomniac. I never sleep well. Without sleeping pills, I would be up until that dreadful hour that I keep waking up at.  Most nights, I don’t want to go to sleep at all. I don’t know why. It’s not like being awake makes it any better. Maybe its just that I am tired of sleeping alone every night. Have I done anything about this though? I guess you can say that I am trying, but I don’t feel like I am.

Anxiety: Most people have no idea that I have suffered from this, since I was a child. People often sigh, or roll their eyes at this, but its not something to take lightly. It’s hard when you never feel like you are good enough. I am always second guessing myself and overthinking things. I’ve even had anxiety attacks in public before. That has to be the worst experience, next to shitting yourself in public, which I have done… TWICE.

Everyone just sits there staring at you like you are some kind of freak. No one tries to help you. Some laugh. Others get angry and shout things like: “Be a man! Suck it up!” Who the fuck are you to tell me things like this? Do you even know what “be a man” even means?

I’ve tried taking medicine for it, but all it does is make me feel even MORE emotionally unstable. I would have to take 15 different types of pills to balance it all out, which would just be exhausting. I guess I will just have to find someone, who understands and would tolerate it. Fat chance…

Dating: This has probably been the most mentally and emotionally exhausting experience for me. I hate the whole concept of dating. For those who haven’t kept up with my past posts, I used to be active on a dating site called Plenty of Fish. I am NOW active on OkCupid. I really don’t know why I switched. There really isn’t that much of a difference between the two. It’s not all bad really though. I got a couple hits on the site. The thing I hate is that no one seems to read your description before they message you. I don’t know why. It’s easy.

It makes things a lot harder when they don’t because I put a lot of disclaimers in my description. Like for instance, the fact that I don’t have a car, or the that I live with my parents. Then when they ask, they act like they are surprised. I don’t write that thing for nothing. I like online dating because it sort of… takes all the awkwardness out of the first date. The only other part that you worry about is that they look like they do in all of their pictures. Yes… Though I am not shallow in the slightest, looks are a LITTLE of a factor in first talking to someone. Not much though. I don’t really care about weight because I’m not the most fit guy there is. I just wish people didn’t make dating so complicated. What happened to “I like you.”

Everyone is too busy looking for these fairy tale weddings. That sort of things don’t really exist. Love is what you make of it. I don’t really understand the whole concept of love. I am happy with a girl just looking me in the eyes and saying. “I like you.” Those three words mean more to me than love really. They like me. Out of all the people they could have chosen to talk to, they enjoy talking to me. They want to be with me. They don’t have to love me to do these things… Sigh…

4:39 PM: That’s what time it is right now. What am I doing besides typing this post? Folding clothes. OTHER people’s clothes. That’s pretty much what my day consisted of everyday before I finally got a job a Walmart. Sometimes I hate that this is pretty much what my life consists of, but at least it’s beginning to look up. I am finally talking to a girl that I met on OkCupid. The talking part is going ok, but it is hard when I don’t have a car to go see her. We’ve only been talking for two weeks though, so I don’t know why this is even getting to me. We’ve met once. We took a walk through this nice park area. It’s nice talking to someone who can ACTUALLY hold a conversation. Why is this SO hard for people?

There is an entire WORLD of conversation out there. I think what we worry about most is if they are interested in what we are saying. With my anxiety, I often wonder this when I talk to anyone. Sometimes I wonder why I even have a phone. Besides here and the few friends I have, no one talks to me. Even when I talk to most of my friends, the conversation never lasts long because they actually HAVE lives. Not me though. Well I do, just not as eventful.

Life: I often ask myself what I want out of it. The main thing that I want out of life is to be comfortable. It seems like a small thing to ask, but has been proven the most difficult thing ever. I also would just like to live it without people worrying what I am gonna do with it. Why is this impossible? I will have at least one of these things one day. Until then, I will be waiting silently in the shadows. I will be silent, but my mind will not.

-Valken

My Mental Purgatory.

Liora Mendez, Mercedes Elise, Joyce, Emerald Caine, Raven Starr, Tobias Valken, Warren Valken,Barik Valken Jace Vasher, Leslie Kennison, Katie Murphy, Jeff Barker, Treus Liger, Jordan Loewen, Jessica Poole, Johnny Poole, Johnny Poole Jr, Janessa Poole, Tessa McClanahan, Paige Daugherty, Michelle Marshall, Nikki Gant, Alicia Booker, Tiffany Winchester, Brittany Johnson, Maria Hernandez, Jessi Whitson, Alex File, Dacia Morris, Desiree Peggle, Katherine Rueda, Crystal Dacosta, Rebekah Bonson, Rebekah Story, Marianna Mortera, Melodi Kolbek, Melodi Savage, Rachel Savage, Sara Wilson, Giana Young, Brandee Lyons, 12/21/2007, 9/23/1987, 01/15/2003, 09/27/2006, 09/23/2010, 03/17/2005. I bet you’re wondering what the hell all these names and dates mean. These are SOME of the things that go through my head EVERY. FUCKING. NIGHT. These names and dates are part of what keeps my mind going about 100 miles an hours.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Whoever said that was not lying. Its a very good saying. I just think it needs to say a little bit more than that. A mind is a terrible thing to waste on thoughts that do nothing, but cripple your entire way of thinking. No. Not all these names and dates are bad. Actually most of them are good. I just think that its about time that most of those names and dates be erased from my memories forever. I just wish that were even possible. Most of those names are names of girls that I either liked at some point, like now, or had some other influence in my life that I can never forget, though most of the time, I want to.

The sad part about all of this is, despite all of the craziness inside of my head, it’s more interesting inside there, than it is out here. That’s how it usually is for everyone though right? I have no idea what the fuck it is that I am doing. I mean yeah… I’m enrolled in school, but that doesn’t start till January. I’ve applied for jobs, but haven’t heard anything yet. Most of my life now is all about waiting. I wouldn’t be so bothered by this, if EVERYONE else wasn’t bothered as well. Constantly asking me about how things were going. I’m not gonna give you weekly fucking updates on how things are going. I don’t even get that, so why the fuck would I do it for you? They have no idea that THEY are the very reason, I can’t think about anything happening right now in front of me. Everyone is so bent on the past and the future. Why does NO ONE think in the now?

I have hurt a lot of the girls on that list. Not all were intentional, I just did to the point where there was nothing I could do, or say to fix it. Some of the names on that list are names that I MYSELF actually went by in darker times. What am I saying? Times are still dark for me even though I make such a huge effort to mask that. I shouldn’t be this way still. Especially when I have so many people surrounding me that make my life better. Wait… Nope. That’s not true either. I don’t have any friends, but a few and they aren’t NEARLY enough to completely help, but don’t get me wrong, they do as much as they can. I love the few friends that I have. Even more than 90% of my family members which is fucking sad.

Everyday I get more and more irritable toward the people around me. Like right now I’m listening to everyone in my house speak and I want nothing more than to scream at them to shut the fuck up, at the top of my lungs. They are always screaming at each other, trying to tell me useless facts that I already know, asking me questions. Yeah, I’m not too fond of questions. Not because I have a lot to hide. We all have things to hide. It’s more the fact that them know, doesn’t help them in ANY way. My step mom does it to try and get me to open up. She has no idea that it is way too late for that. You can’t change a lifetime of habits so easily. You can try, but it’s just going to end up pissing me off even more.

All I have left are these names and dates. Forever buried in my mental graveyard. I will be trapped inside my head forever, it seems. Left to spin in this mental purgatory forever. Hey… At least I have company here, in a sense.

-Valken

If You Have To Ask, Then its Probably None Of Your Fucking Business

Its been a shitty week. I couldn’t mean that in a more literal sense. I have an intestinal issue that I believe is Chrone’s. I’m not sure though because I haven’t had the money, or the insurance to do so. It fucking sucks. I can’t even walk a few blocks without having to go to the bathroom and when I have to go, I have to go. There is no holding it for long, unless I can keep my mind on something else. Of course that is hard when you have a pain in your stomach. You have no idea how literally shitty that is.

I can’t even go for long car rides because even eating something small makes me have to go. I try to go to sleep to keep my mind off of it, but of course if I cant sleep at home, how the hell am I gonna be able to sleep in a car? I can’t wait till I can get a job with some insurance. I need to get this checked out as soon as possible. Ive shit myself twice in public. TWICE! Do you know how embarrassing that is? I feel like a fucking child that can’t hold it.

Tedious… That’s my life in one word. It seems like everything I do is that way. With everything I do, I have to jump through a million obstacles to do so. I can’t blame anyone, but myself. Because of the lifestyle I chose, I have go spend the rest of my life kicking in doors. I can’t say it doesn’t leave for a more INTERESTING way of living though. It doesn’t make any better either….

I finally did it. I enrolled in college. I really should be happy about this, but its hard to. It just feels so surreal. I haven’t been to school in 9 years. When I DID go straight out of highschool, I was only going to follow a girl. The girl I followed, ended up breaking up with me mid-way into the school year. Yeah, so that was a big bust. It made me realize that I was going to school for all the wrong reasons and I had no business even being there. I wish I would’ve thought of that, BEFORE I landed myself over $10,000 in debt before I was old enough to drink. Sigh… You live and you learn. I just wish I didn’t always have to learn the hard lessons.

Anyway, I am officially enrolled. I had to take a placement test before I could enroll though. That sucked royally to be honest. I understand that you wanna make sure someone is able to take college courses, but seriously? Algebra? I haven’t been to school in 10 freakin years. Unless your job in between college is a mathematician, you’re probably not gonna be doing anything that requires you to do algebra. That’s why I was suprised that I did well enough to be placed in beginners algebra. I mean, I was good at math in highschool, don’t get me wrong, but that was some tough stuff to remember. I expected to do well on the reading and writing part of the test. Reading and writing are about all I’m good at besides computers, which is what I’m majoring in.

I really hope this works out. I need to get the fuck out of here. I fucking hate not having a moment to myself. I can’t even attempt to leave the house withpit someone asking where I’m going. I wanna say “Well I’m trying to get the fuck away from you for at least five minutes, but fuck it now. You’ve ruined it.”

I cant even fucking masturbate in peace. Yes. I do masturbate. What single 27 year old guy DOESN’T? I’m not ashamed of it. I haven’t had sex in two years. I have to have SOME WAY to release all this tension. It sucks when your trying to rub one out and everyone in the house decides they wanna have a shouting match, scream your name every five minutes, or see how loud they can stomp around upstairs. It also doesn’t help that I share a room with my thirteen year old brother. I have to wait until everyone is gone. I hate that you have to hide it in the first place. Not that I want people to watch me masturbate. That would be gross and a little awkward, I’m just saying it shouldn’t be treated as such a taboo. Anyway, I need a drink. Not that it’ll help, but at least it will help take the edge off.

-Valken