The Existential Crisis of a Depressed Man

Yeah… Go ahead. Scoff at this post. Tell me that depression and anxiety aren’t real mental illnesses. Tell me how I just need to let it go. To suck it up. Tell me how I need to just be happy because there are SO many reasons to be. Tell me how I should just be grateful to be alive. 

Yeah because being alive is the BEST thing in the world right? Not in a world where you’re not allowed to feel anything except for what everyone else feels. Like, yeah, you can be sad, but don’t you DARE be depressed. People seem to do a lot of complaining about how other people are depressed. They call them things like “big babies”, or my favorite recent term, “snowflakes.” 

It’s hilarious how people can turn something as beautiful as a snowflake into a derogatory term. Like what the fuck, people? You’d think hearing this shit enough would make me used to it to the point where I don’t care about it anymore, but you know… depression/anxiety. 

People always think that we are this way just for attention. Who the hell would even wanna FAKE this? I’m not one of those people that just self-diagnosed myself with this. I was diagnosed with both in 2007. They started me on Abilify, which I hated by the way. It basically just turned me into a human vegetable. I would just sit there staring off into space with no coherannt thought going through my head. Hmmm… sounds like the same problem I went through before they prescribed that in the first place. After a couple of more years taking a few more medications that I can’t even pronounce, I just sort of have up.

It fucking sucks when you hit that point. You just sort of stop caring. I’ve lost too many friends in my life to this. I don’t blame them. Not really. You can’t really expect anyone to live through that. The constant mood swings. The days where you sleep for 12-16 hours at a time. You can only HOPE they will still be there. So far, I only have 1 friend that I know for a FACT, will never leave. 

When did everyone else stop caring completely? There was a time in my life where I REALLY hit rock bottom and I had to sleep out of my car. I hated it because there were very few parking lots that you were allowed to sleep in. The part that sucked the MOST was, that people never asked if you were alright. No. They just immediately called the cops. Yeah… I’m sorry that I’m scaring you because I’m broke. I can understand that some people aren’t always innocent, but you didn’t even bother to ask. 

I don’t care what you think of me after reading this(Actually I kinda do). The thing is, I’m trying. I’m trying SO fucking hard to feel better about myself. It just takes time and less negative criticism. Anyways… Gotta go. Lunch break over.

-Valken

30

Auto pilot engage….

Have you ever spaced out for a second?Like maybe you lost a couple of seconds with no idea why? Well… Try spacing out an entire DAY. I still have no idea how I managed to do this. The fucked up part about it is that I ride a bike to work, so I have no idea how I’m even alive. I guess it’s a good thing that I stick to the sidewalk the whole ride.

I’ve had a lot of trouble focusing lately. Mainly on the things that normal adults find important. You know…things like bills, work, eating, sleeping. I SHOULD find those things important, but I have been having trouble caring about any of those things. I think it’s safe to say that things are getting bad again and of course, I don’t know why.

What does it truly mean when some says “grow up”, or “act your age?” A lot of people seem to throw those words around. Most of the time, they are making a lot of the same mistakes that you are. Being an adult doesn’t mean you’re not gonna make any mistakes. It means that when you do, you handle them in a way that isn’t too rash, or destructive. Well… That’s my opinion on it anyway. It’s vague I know, but sometimes it’s hard for me to put things into words.

30 years old. I can’t believe it. Why does it always seem like the years fly by when you don’t want them to? So much has happened in the last 5 years, yet at the same time, nothing has. I still kind of feel like I’m trapped in a stand-still. I have a car, but I haven’t been able to drive it in 3 months. I have an apartment, but it’s with roommates and it’s not technically mine. I feel like I’m doing a lot better than I used to be doing, but that’s only part of the time. The rest of the time, I feel like I’m back to where I started. 

So here’s to another year of life. If that is what you want to call it, I mean. I really hope things will get better from here. That depends on me though I guess. I wish it didn’t. It would be nice to have just a little help along the way. Until then, I guess I will just continue to go along with the motions.

-Valken

Leech

Here we go again…

               Why is it that some people just LOVE seeing you unhappy? Why is it that people just don’t care how anyone else feels about things. Some people just suck all the happiness out of you and want to bring you down. I feel this way about some of the people that I often associate myself with. I have no idea why. 

I’m back bitches!

               Wow. It has been almost a year since my last post. I have no idea why because I always have a lot on my mind. Mostly the assholes that I work for and with. You know the people that just LOVE to piss you off because they know that you will lose your job if you get violent with them. Then you have to contemplate how much you need your job. Unfortunately… money always wins…

               Fucking money. The thing I hate more than anything in the world. I hate that it stops me from speaking my mind in a lot of situations that I really should. I hate that. It makes me seem like such a wuss. Oh and by the way, I don’t think that NOT speaking your mind is a sign of maturity. My mother always said “A closed mouth never gets fed.” That is a statement I didn’t fully understand until I was older. 

Back to the the grind…

               As much as I hate money, unfortunately, we need it to survive. Currently I’m back at a job that I left because it made me sick. Now, it’s not QUITE as bad as it used to be, but it still has its issues. Mainly that out new chef gets on my nerves. If there is one thing I hate at jobs, it’s when someone talks to you like a child. 

               Let’s make one thing clear. I am FAR from a child anymore. I just turned 30 years old now. Just turned 30 last month. I know, right? I can’t believe it myself. I’ve been working since I was 15 years old. It’s crazy! When you have this much experience in the working field you sort of figure out a little of what you want in a job. Anyways, all this aside, NO ONE really likes being talked down to. He seems to do this with several people that I work with. 

               Now I know that supervisors don’t usually care if people like them or not, but in my opinion, if you want someone to follow you, they sort of have to like you. Even if it’s just a little bit. That’s not all you need, but it’s a start. If you need to get a point across, you don’t need to rip people to shreds. Especially, if it was something that they weren’t properly trained on the situation. 

               I know this isn’t always the case, but sometimes I feel like they just want to rip the happiness out of us. I don’t see a lot of people in these positions that are happy anymore. I find that to be very sad. I really hate that and always wish I could change it. Oh well. You can’t please everyone. Just do us a favor. If you’re mad, sad, or anything other than happy. Try not to bring others down with you and DEFINITELY do NOT be a Leech. Someone who’s goal is to just suck the happiness out of you. 
-Valken

Oddities Part 2

               I don’t know about anyone else, but I hate feeling like an idiot every time I greet someone. People always seem to look at you like you’re a complete asshole for simply saying hi to them. It’s one of the many reasons that I’m not particularly fond of people. That’s just a subtle way of saying that I fucking hate people.

               I can’t believe you had the audacity to say that I’m “living it up” in this house. People who are living it up don’t have to deal with annoying people waking them up at god awful hours of the morning. They don’t suffer from terrible depression and anxiety. Oh and they most CERTAINLY don’t dislike the people they live with either. Maybe learn what things mean before you throw words out there, eh?

               Enough with the heavy crap. I mean… Even I get a little tired of it sometimes. Other than the usual bullshit, it hasn’t been ALL bad. I’m still talking to this girl that I like more and more each day. Riding my bike has been going pretty good as well. I really like the weight I’ve been losing and how much more in shape I am. 

               It gets hard though most days. Riding up countless hills isn’t easy. Most days I feel like I’m getting more pain than gain, but I continue to push through it. I have to because it’s the only means of transportation that I have until I get a car.

               You know there’s something that bothers me a bit. I often see posts on Facebook, or even people talking in public about how people need to stop posting their thoughts on Facebook. Maybe these people are like me and don’t interact with people very well in person. 

               Facebook and my blog is my way of communicating with people. I write things down better than I can say it in person most times. If you’re tired of these people posting their lives on Facebook, then delete them. Don’t post complaining about it because you’re just as bad. I’ve lost many “friends” on Facebook because of that and it’s sad. 

-Valken