A lie that boys are always told is that we’re not allowed to cry. We’re always to suck it up. Be a man. We’re told to never show any weakness. If we do we are labeled as “sissies” “bitches” or my personal favorite, “little girl.” For that reason, most guys don’t open up about how they are feeling.
I hate that. Why aren’t guys allowed to feel anything? Who decided that we have to be the strong ones all the time? Who decided that we have to do everything on our own. What does “be a man” even mean to them?
I’ve lost SO MANY people I care about to depression. The majority of them being men that are too scared to open up. I MYSELF almost succumbed to my depression. There eventually comes a time when bottling everything up just gets to be too much.
I’m sleeping less and less every day. I have trouble even getting out of bed to take care of myself. A lot of things that I used as a vice I can’t even use anymore. It’s like I’ve just shut down and can’t get excited about anything anymore. The worst part about all of this is the fact that I don’t feel like I can tell anyone about this.
I know that isn’t true. Especially now. I have a few friends I can go to when I need help. It just sucks because my anxiety always puts that feeling in the back of my mind. That feeling that tells me that I’m always alone. That feeling that tells me that no one actually cares.
Not many people know this, but I tried killing myself when I was 17 years old. I went to a party and I was planning on swallowing a handful of pills. I chose that party because everyone was drunk, so they wouldn’t notice me in time.
A girl at the party did though. She walked up to me while I was sitting on the balcony. I’ll never forget what she said. She sat down next to me and said “I don’t know you, but I have this weird feeling that you’re about to do something bad.” She saw the pills in my hand, grabbed them and threw them over the balcony. She ended up being my first serious relationship. We sat up there and talked for like 4 freakin hours.
If there is ANY WAY. Any way at all for you to get help, or find someone to talk to. PLEASE do because that would be better than killing yourself. I know everyone deals with things differently, but talking to the right person has always helped me.
-Valken
I AM CHAOS!!! 