Chapter 32: Happy Birthday To Me

So Monday was my 32nd birthday. HOLY. FUCK!!!! 32 fucking years old. I still can’t believe it. Like where had all the time gone? I remember when I was freaking out about turning 18. I would DEFINITELY be understating it by saying that this past year has been interesting.

Since last summer, I’ve lost over 40 pounds. I’ve also dropped two pant sizes and one shirt size. This is a HUGE deal for me because I’ve always been self-conscious about my weight. I move around a lot in my current position at the warehouse, so that helps a lot. I’ve also been biking a lot more than last year. The thing that sucks about that is my legs get bigger, so it makes it hard for me to go past my current pant size.

Alright.. So my birthday. Hands down one of the best birthdays I’ve had in over 5 years. Unfortunately, it didn’t start out so great. My birthday fell on a Monday this year, so I had to work. Work wasn’t too bad, it just sucks more than the others because I never sleep well on Sunday nights. I got through work ok, but when I got home I found that someone stole my bike. Like they stole it chain and all. I don’t understand why people have to be so fucking hateful.

Anyway… That obviously fucked my whole day. Just when I thought my birthday was going to suck, one of my friends from work came to the rescue. I told her about my bike getting stolen and she immediately wanted to help make my day better.

We ended up hanging out for a while. We went to the park and listened to a bunch of music. We went to the highest point where you can see a lot of the town I live in. It was so peaceful there. Like for the first time in a while I felt like I didn’t have to worry about anything.

It didn’t end there. A little later she decided to take me to another place outside of town. We went to this country road that was next to this BEAUTIFUL creek. Like I don’t know how I had never been to this place before.

Words cannot describe how awesome that was. She turned a really shitty day into an amazing one and she didn’t even need to do much. I am blessed to know someone like her. I’ve met SO MANY people that turned out to be shitty indidviduals. I don’t get that feeling with her. It was a great way to bring in my 32nd year of living. I hope she knows how thankful I am.

-Valken

The Existential Crisis of a Depressed Man

Yeah… Go ahead. Scoff at this post. Tell me that depression and anxiety aren’t real mental illnesses. Tell me how I just need to let it go. To suck it up. Tell me how I need to just be happy because there are SO many reasons to be. Tell me how I should just be grateful to be alive. 

Yeah because being alive is the BEST thing in the world right? Not in a world where you’re not allowed to feel anything except for what everyone else feels. Like, yeah, you can be sad, but don’t you DARE be depressed. People seem to do a lot of complaining about how other people are depressed. They call them things like “big babies”, or my favorite recent term, “snowflakes.” 

It’s hilarious how people can turn something as beautiful as a snowflake into a derogatory term. Like what the fuck, people? You’d think hearing this shit enough would make me used to it to the point where I don’t care about it anymore, but you know… depression/anxiety. 

People always think that we are this way just for attention. Who the hell would even wanna FAKE this? I’m not one of those people that just self-diagnosed myself with this. I was diagnosed with both in 2007. They started me on Abilify, which I hated by the way. It basically just turned me into a human vegetable. I would just sit there staring off into space with no coherannt thought going through my head. Hmmm… sounds like the same problem I went through before they prescribed that in the first place. After a couple of more years taking a few more medications that I can’t even pronounce, I just sort of have up.

It fucking sucks when you hit that point. You just sort of stop caring. I’ve lost too many friends in my life to this. I don’t blame them. Not really. You can’t really expect anyone to live through that. The constant mood swings. The days where you sleep for 12-16 hours at a time. You can only HOPE they will still be there. So far, I only have 1 friend that I know for a FACT, will never leave. 

When did everyone else stop caring completely? There was a time in my life where I REALLY hit rock bottom and I had to sleep out of my car. I hated it because there were very few parking lots that you were allowed to sleep in. The part that sucked the MOST was, that people never asked if you were alright. No. They just immediately called the cops. Yeah… I’m sorry that I’m scaring you because I’m broke. I can understand that some people aren’t always innocent, but you didn’t even bother to ask. 

I don’t care what you think of me after reading this(Actually I kinda do). The thing is, I’m trying. I’m trying SO fucking hard to feel better about myself. It just takes time and less negative criticism. Anyways… Gotta go. Lunch break over.

-Valken