5AM

5AM: Seems this is the time that I am waking up lately. At least for the past few days.  Luckily I have been off work for spring break. Even so, I don’t particularly like waking up at this horrid time of day. It’s not quite light outside yet because for another two weeks, it is still winter. I seriously wish winter would hurry up and end, so my leg would stop hurting. That makes waking up at this time worse because it’s still freaking freezing at 5 AM, which makes the pain a thousand times worse. I wish I had something better to take for the pain.

5AM: It really sucks waking up with only your thoughts to keep you company. I find it incredibly sad that I have two roommates and I still feel alone. I turn on the tv, but I don’t pay attention to what is on. The only way I can fall back asleep is by turning on the sound of an ocean storm on YouTube. That or the sounds of trains, or singing whales. Weird I know…. I also have my fan. I don’t get why I need white noise to sleep. I just wish it would help me to get a good nights sleep. Falling asleep is one thing, but actually getting rest…. Nearly impossible for me.

5AM: I decided to make an account on Pandora. I didn’t get the premium version since I already pay for google music. The only reason I made it is I got a new laptop and the only trusted music services they have is Spotify and Pandora. So far, I’m not disappointed because I’m really digging this Vancouver Sleep Clinic playlist I created. I thought this might help me to get some sleep as well, but of course it didn’t… In fact, it ended up making me think more, which kept me up longer.

5AM: I found this group called “Houses” on Pandora. I like how chill their music is. It’s very relaxing when your thoughts are trying to tear you apart. One song in particular that I like is their song titled “A Quiet Darkness.” It speaks to me so much. It talks about not being able to burn a memory out of your mind. It really hits me when I listen to one of the lyrics in their song. It goes “In dreams there’s a way to die.” It’s sad that it hits me so hard listening to that part. Especially since I interpret it differently than they are trying to convey. I take it as, In dreams there is a way to die, but without consequence. Without the consequence of everyone being sad. Without the consequence of leaving someone you love behind. I hate that whatever you do, good or bad, there is always some kind of consequence that you have to live with.

5AM: Here I am again…. Just laying here staring at the fucking ceiling. It’s almost as if I’m waiting for it to fall on top of me. Maybe that’s what I want. I don’t know. Some nights I’m not even thinking of anything specific. It’s just a hurricane of thoughts flooding through my mind all at once. How my head hasn’t exploded yet just eludes me. How do you turn off your brain? How do you get rid of the memories that haunt you night after night?  Does it ever get better? How are people so damn self motivated? I feel like I just need some sort of distraction. Not so sure if that would help and if it did, how long it would. Oh well…. back to the drawing board I guess?

 

 

 

-Valken

Brandee (BabyGirl)

It’s like this girl…

I still to this day have no idea where you came from. We just randomly started playing COD together. Never in a million years would I have guessed that you would become such an important part of my life. It’s funny who life throws at you.

I didn’t even think you liked me very much. Next thing I knew, we were staying up late talking. Sometimes till the crack of dawn. We would talk all night about anime, or whatever else was on our minds. I remember that first night we talked. We just shared our favorite pictures of ourselves. You gave me a confidence I didn’t know I had.

What has it been now? Like 4 years? Maybe longer? It’s crazy I’ve known you for so long, yet we haven’t officially met yet. Don’t worry.  I aim to change that soon. You are one of many stops I have to make really soon. 

I wanted to write about you to tell you that I am grateful for every moment I get to speak to you. You have NO IDEA how much you really mean to me. You always seem to have great timing. Almost every time I’m down, I suddenly get a message from you and I forget about whatever is bothering me. I also wanna tell you that even if you didn’t have great timing, it wouldn’t matter because it wouldn’t change how I feel. 

I love you. I hope you enjoy reading this post. Hope to be able to see you soon!

-Valken

The Existential Crisis of a Depressed Man

Yeah… Go ahead. Scoff at this post. Tell me that depression and anxiety aren’t real mental illnesses. Tell me how I just need to let it go. To suck it up. Tell me how I need to just be happy because there are SO many reasons to be. Tell me how I should just be grateful to be alive. 

Yeah because being alive is the BEST thing in the world right? Not in a world where you’re not allowed to feel anything except for what everyone else feels. Like, yeah, you can be sad, but don’t you DARE be depressed. People seem to do a lot of complaining about how other people are depressed. They call them things like “big babies”, or my favorite recent term, “snowflakes.” 

It’s hilarious how people can turn something as beautiful as a snowflake into a derogatory term. Like what the fuck, people? You’d think hearing this shit enough would make me used to it to the point where I don’t care about it anymore, but you know… depression/anxiety. 

People always think that we are this way just for attention. Who the hell would even wanna FAKE this? I’m not one of those people that just self-diagnosed myself with this. I was diagnosed with both in 2007. They started me on Abilify, which I hated by the way. It basically just turned me into a human vegetable. I would just sit there staring off into space with no coherannt thought going through my head. Hmmm… sounds like the same problem I went through before they prescribed that in the first place. After a couple of more years taking a few more medications that I can’t even pronounce, I just sort of have up.

It fucking sucks when you hit that point. You just sort of stop caring. I’ve lost too many friends in my life to this. I don’t blame them. Not really. You can’t really expect anyone to live through that. The constant mood swings. The days where you sleep for 12-16 hours at a time. You can only HOPE they will still be there. So far, I only have 1 friend that I know for a FACT, will never leave. 

When did everyone else stop caring completely? There was a time in my life where I REALLY hit rock bottom and I had to sleep out of my car. I hated it because there were very few parking lots that you were allowed to sleep in. The part that sucked the MOST was, that people never asked if you were alright. No. They just immediately called the cops. Yeah… I’m sorry that I’m scaring you because I’m broke. I can understand that some people aren’t always innocent, but you didn’t even bother to ask. 

I don’t care what you think of me after reading this(Actually I kinda do). The thing is, I’m trying. I’m trying SO fucking hard to feel better about myself. It just takes time and less negative criticism. Anyways… Gotta go. Lunch break over.

-Valken

Working Out The Kinks

Starting over sucks, but sometimes it’s necessary. I just wish I didn’t cause myself to have start over so many times. A lot of people think this is a bad thing. I don’t think so.

I have yet ANOTHER new job. I now work as a cook at a college. Monetarily it’s a lateral move, but it’s still a step up to me when it comes to my stress level. This is actually funny to me because this job requires to be way more on top of my game than Walmart did. I quit Walmart. I quit before I even had this new job. My dad called it a childish move. It’s not childish to take a gamble. ESPECIALLY when I knew for a FACT that I would be able to find a better job than Walmart. At least I put in my two weeks.

Conversation really isn’t my strong point. I decide in the first few seconds if the conversation interests me or not. Most of the time people bore me. If I’m still talking to you after a few days, then chances are I will still be talking to you long after that. I have a very small circle of people that I talk to/hang out with.

I should probably make more of an effort to remember people’s names. Its like they tell it to me and I immediately forget it when they walk away. Is that really a bad thing though? Maybe it would be if I saw them on a regular basis. Most people I don’t feel are worth remembering their names. I usually only remember the names of people who made a big impact on my life by showing me kindness. No… Remembering my name, or saying hi to me don’t really count.

For example there’s this guy named Matt. I was walking to Walmart to go cash my check from work. It’s a bit of a long walk ESPECIALLY when I walk there from my job that is 15 minutes from my house. I was coming back and he saw me and slowed down to ask if I needed a ride. Several other cars passed me before him and either just waved, or stared at me like “who’s this loser walking?”

I understand why most people passed me. I mean.. Its not like I expected them to or anything. It’s just a nice gesture. He stopped despite how risky it is to pick up random strangers. I solute people like this and the LEAST I can do is remember their name. Right?

-Valken

Ache

               Picture this. You FINALLY feel like your life is moving forward. You have everything in order. A better job, a car, your own place. Everything seems to be in order, but picture there are several people or objects behind you. These people/objects are grabbing you and pulling you away from all these successes. Now imagine those things start manifesting into things that you worry about, or even manifest themselves into you. This is how I picture the saying “One step forward, but two steps back.”

               I can’t take it anymore. This ever growing feeling. This ache that makes me wanna scream in people’s faces as I repeatedly punch them until I’m unable to lift my arm anymore. It’s harsh I know. I just feel like it’s the only way to get through to people. I feel like it’s the only way to show them how much I don’t give a fuck what they want from me. 

               My entire life seems to be on other people’s time. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I put my self in the situation that forced me to move in with my parents. Yes, I’ll admit that ever since I moved on with my biological father, my life is STARTING to move forward. Unfortunately that’s not enough. Nothing I do is enough. These people always want more out of me. 

               They said I needed a job. I got that. They said I needed to get my license reinstated. I did that. They said I needed to save for a car, but that’s where I hit a snag. They constantly need help with bills, and other expenses because the other grown adults that lives in the house, conveniently escapes when they are in need. Leaving it up to me. The thing that pisses me off the most is, I’m just supposed to be okay with this. “That’s life,” they tell me. “These are responsibilities.” Apparently they forgot one little detail…. I KNOW WHAT FUCKING RESPONSIBILITIES ARE!

               What I don’t understand is why I am doing everyone else’s responsibilities and STILL get treated like absolute shit. Then they wonder why I never want to talk to them. Why I never want to be within 3 inches of them. Something has eventually got to give.

               There are so many types of aches. Heartaches, Headaches, Neckaches, Backaches…. I seem to experience so many of these. I get aches that make me just want to break things. To tear things to pieces and then burn those pieces until there is nothing left. That ache to just scream at the top of my lungs until I’m out of breath and then scream some more.

               Not all aches are bad though. I wanna feel that body ache that you feel after phenomenal sex. That ache that just feels so damn good, that you don’t even want the feeling to go away. I wanna feel that ache after a good workout. Where it hurts, but it’s ok because you feel accomplished. I wouldn’t even mind that ache you get when you miss someone’s company. Unfortunately, you actually have to HAVE someone to miss.

               I will always have an ache, weither good, or bad. Unfortunately for now, the bad outweighs the good. Who knows? Maybe my life will take a turn for the better hear soon. I won’t bet on it though. Oh well…. As I always say. Fuck it all, right?

-Valken

Grey Mindset

4:00 AM: I am beginning to wonder if there is some sort of significance to this time. I always wake up at this particular time before being rudely awakened by my step mom as she screams at my little brother to get up. I don’t get it. It’s not like I have anything to do then. Most nights when I wake up at this time, I just kind of lay there, staring at the ceiling. That, or I am thinking about a weird dream I had, prior to waking up.

Maybe I’m not awake at all. It’s hard to tell these days, being an insomniac. I never sleep well. Without sleeping pills, I would be up until that dreadful hour that I keep waking up at.  Most nights, I don’t want to go to sleep at all. I don’t know why. It’s not like being awake makes it any better. Maybe its just that I am tired of sleeping alone every night. Have I done anything about this though? I guess you can say that I am trying, but I don’t feel like I am.

Anxiety: Most people have no idea that I have suffered from this, since I was a child. People often sigh, or roll their eyes at this, but its not something to take lightly. It’s hard when you never feel like you are good enough. I am always second guessing myself and overthinking things. I’ve even had anxiety attacks in public before. That has to be the worst experience, next to shitting yourself in public, which I have done… TWICE.

Everyone just sits there staring at you like you are some kind of freak. No one tries to help you. Some laugh. Others get angry and shout things like: “Be a man! Suck it up!” Who the fuck are you to tell me things like this? Do you even know what “be a man” even means?

I’ve tried taking medicine for it, but all it does is make me feel even MORE emotionally unstable. I would have to take 15 different types of pills to balance it all out, which would just be exhausting. I guess I will just have to find someone, who understands and would tolerate it. Fat chance…

Dating: This has probably been the most mentally and emotionally exhausting experience for me. I hate the whole concept of dating. For those who haven’t kept up with my past posts, I used to be active on a dating site called Plenty of Fish. I am NOW active on OkCupid. I really don’t know why I switched. There really isn’t that much of a difference between the two. It’s not all bad really though. I got a couple hits on the site. The thing I hate is that no one seems to read your description before they message you. I don’t know why. It’s easy.

It makes things a lot harder when they don’t because I put a lot of disclaimers in my description. Like for instance, the fact that I don’t have a car, or the that I live with my parents. Then when they ask, they act like they are surprised. I don’t write that thing for nothing. I like online dating because it sort of… takes all the awkwardness out of the first date. The only other part that you worry about is that they look like they do in all of their pictures. Yes… Though I am not shallow in the slightest, looks are a LITTLE of a factor in first talking to someone. Not much though. I don’t really care about weight because I’m not the most fit guy there is. I just wish people didn’t make dating so complicated. What happened to “I like you.”

Everyone is too busy looking for these fairy tale weddings. That sort of things don’t really exist. Love is what you make of it. I don’t really understand the whole concept of love. I am happy with a girl just looking me in the eyes and saying. “I like you.” Those three words mean more to me than love really. They like me. Out of all the people they could have chosen to talk to, they enjoy talking to me. They want to be with me. They don’t have to love me to do these things… Sigh…

4:39 PM: That’s what time it is right now. What am I doing besides typing this post? Folding clothes. OTHER people’s clothes. That’s pretty much what my day consisted of everyday before I finally got a job a Walmart. Sometimes I hate that this is pretty much what my life consists of, but at least it’s beginning to look up. I am finally talking to a girl that I met on OkCupid. The talking part is going ok, but it is hard when I don’t have a car to go see her. We’ve only been talking for two weeks though, so I don’t know why this is even getting to me. We’ve met once. We took a walk through this nice park area. It’s nice talking to someone who can ACTUALLY hold a conversation. Why is this SO hard for people?

There is an entire WORLD of conversation out there. I think what we worry about most is if they are interested in what we are saying. With my anxiety, I often wonder this when I talk to anyone. Sometimes I wonder why I even have a phone. Besides here and the few friends I have, no one talks to me. Even when I talk to most of my friends, the conversation never lasts long because they actually HAVE lives. Not me though. Well I do, just not as eventful.

Life: I often ask myself what I want out of it. The main thing that I want out of life is to be comfortable. It seems like a small thing to ask, but has been proven the most difficult thing ever. I also would just like to live it without people worrying what I am gonna do with it. Why is this impossible? I will have at least one of these things one day. Until then, I will be waiting silently in the shadows. I will be silent, but my mind will not.

-Valken

My Mental Purgatory.

Liora Mendez, Mercedes Elise, Joyce, Emerald Caine, Raven Starr, Tobias Valken, Warren Valken,Barik Valken Jace Vasher, Leslie Kennison, Katie Murphy, Jeff Barker, Treus Liger, Jordan Loewen, Jessica Poole, Johnny Poole, Johnny Poole Jr, Janessa Poole, Tessa McClanahan, Paige Daugherty, Michelle Marshall, Nikki Gant, Alicia Booker, Tiffany Winchester, Brittany Johnson, Maria Hernandez, Jessi Whitson, Alex File, Dacia Morris, Desiree Peggle, Katherine Rueda, Crystal Dacosta, Rebekah Bonson, Rebekah Story, Marianna Mortera, Melodi Kolbek, Melodi Savage, Rachel Savage, Sara Wilson, Giana Young, Brandee Lyons, 12/21/2007, 9/23/1987, 01/15/2003, 09/27/2006, 09/23/2010, 03/17/2005. I bet you’re wondering what the hell all these names and dates mean. These are SOME of the things that go through my head EVERY. FUCKING. NIGHT. These names and dates are part of what keeps my mind going about 100 miles an hours.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Whoever said that was not lying. Its a very good saying. I just think it needs to say a little bit more than that. A mind is a terrible thing to waste on thoughts that do nothing, but cripple your entire way of thinking. No. Not all these names and dates are bad. Actually most of them are good. I just think that its about time that most of those names and dates be erased from my memories forever. I just wish that were even possible. Most of those names are names of girls that I either liked at some point, like now, or had some other influence in my life that I can never forget, though most of the time, I want to.

The sad part about all of this is, despite all of the craziness inside of my head, it’s more interesting inside there, than it is out here. That’s how it usually is for everyone though right? I have no idea what the fuck it is that I am doing. I mean yeah… I’m enrolled in school, but that doesn’t start till January. I’ve applied for jobs, but haven’t heard anything yet. Most of my life now is all about waiting. I wouldn’t be so bothered by this, if EVERYONE else wasn’t bothered as well. Constantly asking me about how things were going. I’m not gonna give you weekly fucking updates on how things are going. I don’t even get that, so why the fuck would I do it for you? They have no idea that THEY are the very reason, I can’t think about anything happening right now in front of me. Everyone is so bent on the past and the future. Why does NO ONE think in the now?

I have hurt a lot of the girls on that list. Not all were intentional, I just did to the point where there was nothing I could do, or say to fix it. Some of the names on that list are names that I MYSELF actually went by in darker times. What am I saying? Times are still dark for me even though I make such a huge effort to mask that. I shouldn’t be this way still. Especially when I have so many people surrounding me that make my life better. Wait… Nope. That’s not true either. I don’t have any friends, but a few and they aren’t NEARLY enough to completely help, but don’t get me wrong, they do as much as they can. I love the few friends that I have. Even more than 90% of my family members which is fucking sad.

Everyday I get more and more irritable toward the people around me. Like right now I’m listening to everyone in my house speak and I want nothing more than to scream at them to shut the fuck up, at the top of my lungs. They are always screaming at each other, trying to tell me useless facts that I already know, asking me questions. Yeah, I’m not too fond of questions. Not because I have a lot to hide. We all have things to hide. It’s more the fact that them know, doesn’t help them in ANY way. My step mom does it to try and get me to open up. She has no idea that it is way too late for that. You can’t change a lifetime of habits so easily. You can try, but it’s just going to end up pissing me off even more.

All I have left are these names and dates. Forever buried in my mental graveyard. I will be trapped inside my head forever, it seems. Left to spin in this mental purgatory forever. Hey… At least I have company here, in a sense.

-Valken

Red Outlined Eyes

I am so fucking tired. Tired of constantly getting headaches. Tired of not being able to sleep at night. I’m tired of friends deciding how I’m gonna feel about something before I get the chance to. I’m tired of never sleeping well when I DO sleep. I’m tired of having nightmare after nightmare about the same thing. I’m tired of being alone all the time, though it’s been so long, it’s become the norm… I’m tired of putting on a face like I’m ok when I’m not. I’m tired of being so fucking sad all the time. Most of all, I am tired of being forced to make people happy that I don’t like, and who could give two shits about me.

People often misunderstand the definition of insomnia. They think that I don’t sleep at all. I sleep, but I never feel rested when I wake up. When you’re an insomniac, its hard to tell the difference between asleep and awake. No one understands this though. Especially my step mom. She’s all like “If you go to bed early, you won’t stay up late” Well congratulations… You’ve solved the mystery. If it were that simple, don’t you think I would’ve done that? I wish I knew something that could help.

I feel so smothered here. I always talked about how I was a ghost in my old house. I guess I kinda got used to it because here, its like I can’t get ANY time to myself. Even the fucking cats bother me. I’ll be just trying to relax and the fucking little hell beasts decide they wanna cuddle. I’m smothered by my step mom. I know she means well, and is trying to make some sort of connection with me, but I fear it a little late for that. I like being alone in this basement. Its quiet. I live with an 11 year old sister and a 13 year old brother. They are so buried in their iPhones, that they rarely leave the house. I just want peace dammit!

Of course I don’t get that though. I can’t even take naps without getting in trouble. Its bad enough that I can’t get a decent sleep. Why can’t I atleast attempt to? I hate it when people try to make it personal. They say things like “I never got a break when it was me cleaning.” I don’t give a fuck about you. The reason for that is you had nothing better to do anyway. I do have better things to do than constantly clean up after people. I don’t care if you think its constructive, or not. I don’t know how much more of this shit I can take. I need a fucking drink.

-Valken

Inhuman

               I have no connection with these people. Most days I walk around wondering if I really belong here. Nothing feels familiar anymore. Nothing is comfortable to me. I’ve pretty much been the odd one out my entire life. They all walk around here laughing, playing around, living there lives, if that’s what they want to call it. Me? I feel like my life is slowly slipping by. My ability to care about ANYTHING is slowly deteriorating.

               When I did have a job, most everything I did was mechanically. I would smile, say hi, ask them if they needed any help. I never actually cared if they did or not. I didn’t actually care how their day was. I was only saying all of that, so I didn’t get chewed out by my boss. You yell at me because something didn’t work the way you wanted it to, while I fight back the urge to break your neck. Yes. I am serious. What do I care that your TV doesn’t have the perfect resolution for you to watch your game? I wish I could afford to spend $5000 without jumping out of a fucking window afterwards.

               At home, I’m a ghost. I walk past my family, I say hi… Nothing. I will be in room for 3 days and my family won’t even notice that I am here. I could be dead in the basement for all they know and they probably wouldn’t notice for a month, or longer. I can’t do anything in this house without thinking that I am doing something wrong. Well… I guess I can’t say they completely don’t notice me. They ALWAYS seem to notice my existence when they need something done. I have to fight back the urge to scream at the top of my lungs, every time my dad tells me all the things that bother him about me. Funny that his kids do the same thing, but the black sheep always gets the blame. I don’t want to be here, despite what they think by my actions. Sometimes I wish they could see inside my head. Maybe then, they would see why I do the things I do.

               I often wonder why I even bother going out. There are very few people who are into the same things that I am. At least that is the way it seems, since NO ONE I hang out with ever seems to know I’m there. I put myself out there. Hell, I used to be SUPER outgoing! I was the crazy one. I said things that people thought were weird at first, but later thought it was funny. I’m losing that sense of humor I used to have. I’m losing my caring heart. My mind is moving further and further away from everything. I wish I knew where I belonged because, from what I can see, it’s definitely not here. My friends are all out having fun and I’m stuck here. I’m never doing anything. Why wouldn’t they call me?

               Humanity is a state of mind, not a state of being. I don’t feel human with how I think every day. My life is mostly spent stuck in a computer screen, or my own mind. I have no compassion for anything. I desire nothing, but to leave this place. I hate everything. I care for nothing. I am slowly losing my ability to love, to feel…. I am not one of you. I am not who you want me to be. I am…. Inhuman. The scary part is. I kind of like it.

 

-Valken

If you think I’m comfortable, then you CLEARLY don’t know the meaning of the word.

               I am not ok. I haven’t been since I was 15. I just don’t understand why people have to be the way that they are. They’re always claiming that they know me more than myself. Well this is what I say to you. FUCK OFF! Kindly go back to whatever dark hole you crawled out of and fucking stay there.

               No one knows a damn thing about me. I know this because I haven’t TOLD anyone anything about me. I’m sick of everyone thinking that the world is painted in black and white. “Oh he hasn’t done this, so obviously,  he doesn’t care.” Fuck you! My entire fucking life is one big gray area. Im in a horrible situation living with my parents. My dad thinks I’m not doing well because Ive become too comfortable in my current situation. He is DEAD wrong.

               If I were comfortable,  I would probably sleep at night. If I were comfortable,  I would have eatin in the past 4 days. If I were comfortable,  I probably wouldn’t lie as much as I do to others as well as myself. I’d LOVE to actually be comfortable, but I’m not. I never was. Nothing helps… I only have a few friends, and they can only do so much to help.

               You know what would REALLY make me more comfortable?  If everyone would just let me live my life without worrying what I’m gonna do with it. My ENTIRE life, I’ve only ever did things to make everyone ELSE feel comfortable.  I’ve never been able to do a damn thing for myself. Hmmph…and they wonder why I’m becoming the way I am. Oh well… I’ve pretty much come to terms with this. It would seem atleast for now, I will never achieve that goal. Sigh… Fuck it all, right?

-Valken