The Existential Crisis of a Depressed Man

Yeah… Go ahead. Scoff at this post. Tell me that depression and anxiety aren’t real mental illnesses. Tell me how I just need to let it go. To suck it up. Tell me how I need to just be happy because there are SO many reasons to be. Tell me how I should just be grateful to be alive. 

Yeah because being alive is the BEST thing in the world right? Not in a world where you’re not allowed to feel anything except for what everyone else feels. Like, yeah, you can be sad, but don’t you DARE be depressed. People seem to do a lot of complaining about how other people are depressed. They call them things like “big babies”, or my favorite recent term, “snowflakes.” 

It’s hilarious how people can turn something as beautiful as a snowflake into a derogatory term. Like what the fuck, people? You’d think hearing this shit enough would make me used to it to the point where I don’t care about it anymore, but you know… depression/anxiety. 

People always think that we are this way just for attention. Who the hell would even wanna FAKE this? I’m not one of those people that just self-diagnosed myself with this. I was diagnosed with both in 2007. They started me on Abilify, which I hated by the way. It basically just turned me into a human vegetable. I would just sit there staring off into space with no coherannt thought going through my head. Hmmm… sounds like the same problem I went through before they prescribed that in the first place. After a couple of more years taking a few more medications that I can’t even pronounce, I just sort of have up.

It fucking sucks when you hit that point. You just sort of stop caring. I’ve lost too many friends in my life to this. I don’t blame them. Not really. You can’t really expect anyone to live through that. The constant mood swings. The days where you sleep for 12-16 hours at a time. You can only HOPE they will still be there. So far, I only have 1 friend that I know for a FACT, will never leave. 

When did everyone else stop caring completely? There was a time in my life where I REALLY hit rock bottom and I had to sleep out of my car. I hated it because there were very few parking lots that you were allowed to sleep in. The part that sucked the MOST was, that people never asked if you were alright. No. They just immediately called the cops. Yeah… I’m sorry that I’m scaring you because I’m broke. I can understand that some people aren’t always innocent, but you didn’t even bother to ask. 

I don’t care what you think of me after reading this(Actually I kinda do). The thing is, I’m trying. I’m trying SO fucking hard to feel better about myself. It just takes time and less negative criticism. Anyways… Gotta go. Lunch break over.

-Valken

I Hope There’s A Lifeguard On Duty

Being an adult is hard. Not just because you have a lot of responsibilities, but because everyone has so many versions of what an adult is suppose to be. Everyone is always telling you your age(as if it doesn’t haunt you enough already). They tell what you’re suppose to do or who you are suppose to be. It’s exhausting to say the least.  They always base it off of their experiences as an adult. That’s not that bad, but not everyone has the same experience. I honestly couldn’t tell you what I would classify as a childish attitude.

It’s funny… I am going to be 28 years old in a week and I find it hard to care. According to the media… and my mother,  I am supposed to be married, have kids and have a big house with a 4 car garage, etc… What if that isn’t exactly what I want? When do I get a say in how my life turns out? Why does everyone else have to decide what I’m gonna do with my life?

People often try to tell me what’s best for me and what I deserve. How can they know this when I don’t even know myself? I am getting more and more detached from the people around me. I’m at the point where I just want to disappear without telling anyone. I’m a little curious though as to who would truly miss me. How long is my name gonna come up in conversations, until the finally forget about me?

I lost my cousin about a week ago. He was killed at a gas station near my house. It’s so sad that a life can be ended so quickly. I had JUST seen him alive a couple of days prior. Now all that’s left of him are constant pictures on Facebook and memories. I hate it because he was one of the few family members I had that I could ACTUALLY TALK TO for more than five seconds.

Something that really pissed me off was my grandmother’s response when I told her. She was all like, “What kinda drugs, or other trouble was he into?” Yeah because that’s the ONLY reason people get shot these days. I don’t care if it had anything to do with that. He was a great person and he didn’t deserve to die. Not like that. I miss you cousin. R.I.P….

I chose this particular title because I am drowning in so many feelings, that I can’t stay afloat anymore. I’ve been so stressed out lately with getting a new job, getting an apartment, dealing with my step mom’s constant bitching. Just so much. On the same day that my cousin died, I lost an old friend as well, so I’ve been trying to cope with that. I am so close to just giving up and letting myself drown. I’m trying my best not to. That’s all you could ask for. Right?

-Valken

5/22/15

               So my day kind of sucked yesterday. It was one of those “why me” moments, but there were some good things that happened. Let me tell you about the bad part first. 

               So I’m riding home on my new bike that I just bought. Everything was going well at first. I needed to stop at the post office to mail off a letter before I went home. I wanted to overnight it, so it would get there faster, which costs 19.99. 

               Anyways, so I get to the counter and reach into my pocket to notice that my fucking wallet is NOT where I originally put it! Yeah… So needless to say, I was FREAKING out. I walked around town retracing my steps, but to no avail. I finally just said screw it and cancelled my bank card, ordered a new one and ordered a new social security card. 

               To make matters worse, this was the day of my brothers 8th grade graduation. Now you wouldn’t think that would matter, but you have to take into account the fact that I HATE being surrounded by tons of people. Family or otherwise… So I’m in a TERRIBLE mood the whole time this is going on. Everyone else is laughing and carrying on, whereas I am sitting in the corner sulking. 

               There is light in all of this. This afternoon, my dad calls me and tells me that my wallet was returned to the police station, so I was able to pick it up from there. I go to the police station and got it and everything is still in there. Well… Everything except the $10 cash I had in there. I guess they figured it to be a finders fee of some sort. Anywho, I am just glad to have it back because it’s my favorite wallet. It’s a sweet ass Green Lantern wallet!

               So today marked day 1 of riding my new bike to work. Yeah because today seemed like a good day to die… or come dangerously close to it. The town I live in has A LOT of hills and I don’t mean little ones either. No… These hills are MONSTEROUS and they go straight up and straight down. The 12 year old in me was screaming in excitement. The 27 year old in me that hasn’t ridden a bike SINCE I was 12, was screaming in bloody terror. 

               I left my house about 2 and a half hours early because I wanted to think realistically. I am so out of shape. I found out just how out of shape I was when I hit my first up hill. I don’t think my legs have ever endured so much torture. The down hills weren’t any better because I FLEW down them. I rode my break the whole way down, to the point where they were making a screeching sound till I finally hit a straight away.

               I ended up making it to work about an hour later. Not a bad time considering, I had to walk my bike up some of the hills because my handle bars needed to be tightened. Well… That and the fact that my legs were jelly. All pain aside, it wasn’t too bad of a ride. I look forward to riding more, so I can get into better shape and be able to get here faster.

-Valken