Timeless

Of all the things I can’t stand, the concept of time would have to be number one. It never seems to be on your side. When you want it to go fast, it goes slow. When you want it to go slow, it goes too fast. Is it all in my head? That I don’t know… All I know is it get on my nerves. 

You can’t outrun time. It’s always moving forward, never backward. We never seem to have enough of it. All I hear lately is “Time is short,” or “You only live once.” Well I don’t know about time being short, but you only DIE once. You live every day. I can’t stand that fucking saying. 

It would be nice to have all the time in the world for certain things. So many people wish they had an infinite amount of time, but what would you do with it? Would you use it to spend more time with your family? Would you use it to love your significant other more? How about finish that degree you’ve been procrastinating on? 

One thing that I would do with more time is gain more knowledge. I wanna travel to different libraries around the world and see what knowledge they have to offer. I would live to meet new people and hear their stories. It would be so cool to make new friends around the world. Not that I couldn’t do this now, but with more time, I could do so much more. 

It would be nice to be timeless. To have no hinders by time. It would also be bad because you would have to watch all your loved ones die. For now, I would settle for not being bothered by what is. These days, I feel like I don’t even have time to have a conversation with people. What would you do with more time? Let me know.

-Valken

Ian

Before I lived in my current apartment, I lived in an apartment complex that used to be a nursing home. It wasn’t so bad despite being filled with mostly old people. I only say that because I thought I would have a lot of noise complaints against me, but ad it turns out, I was pretty quiet most of the time.

The first few weeks kind of sucked because I had no furniture. I had to sleep on the hard floor. They had carpet, but it wasn’t very thick. I might as well have concrete floors, since there wasn’t much of a difference. 

I woke up so sore. Most mornings it took me like 20 minutes just to stand. Sleeping on a floor with a steel hip did not mix at all. I ate all my meals on the floor too. Mostly just bologna sandwiches since I couldn’t afford much better while I was still getting settled in. It was cool though. I was just happy to get out of my Dad’s house.

It wasn’t until I was a few months in that I met Ian. Ian has Autism. He had to have a nurse check on him every night. He couldn’t go to the grocery store, or the library without his nurse with him. Despite all of that, he was one of the kindest souls that I ever had the pleasure of meeting.

Every morning, Ian would yell hi to me from across the room. No matter how far away he was from me. He would then proceed to show me this app on his phone. The app was actually really cool. When you spoke into it normally, it would say what you said backwards. You could also speak backward to it and it would speak back to you normally. He would show it to me every time he saw me. It didn’t bother me at all that he would sometimes show it to me 10 times a day. The reason for that is, I LOVE listening to someone talk about something that they are passionate about, or something that just makes them really happy. It just always makes me feel good to listen to that.

Ian would always tell me that I sound like this guy on a gaming channel on YouTube. I can’t remember the guy’s name, but he swore up and down that I sounded like him. He always used to tell me that I was so well spoken and that I didn’t speak in Ebonics like most of the other black guys he knew. Ian had no filter. 

I didn’t get mad or offended by this because I knew what he meant. I know he will probably never read this post, but in the off chance he does, I hope he knows how much he always brightened my days. I hope he knows that no matter how much he repeated himself, it didn’t matter because I would always listen. 

I don’t see Ian anymore now that I live on a new apartment. That really sucks because these days I can use a pick-me-up. We need more people like Ian in the world. People who are just genuinely kind. I think the world would be a lot better. This is for you, Ian. Miss ya man.

-Valken

Day 23: You Again?

Who are you???

Have you ever dreamt about the same person almost every night? That’s my current situation. I have no idea what it means. It’s always the same girl. She is native with long jet black hair. Yeah I know…. starting to sound like Pocahontas huh? Just hear me out.

In every dream, I’m with her. I’m not sure if we’re married or not, but we DO have a child together. It switches off being a girl or boy. It also keeps switching where we live, which is freakin confusing. 

I hate it. I hate it so much because it’s like my mind is teasing me. Dangling something that isn’t real in front of me. I mean… It can’t be real, right? It sucks because every fiber of my being wants it to be. Has this happens to anyone else? For anyone reading this, let me know.
-Valken

A.K.A. No One Special

What’s up man? Remember me? Nah. Of course you wouldn’t remember me. We were only the best of friends since elementary school. We used to do everything together.

Remember those games we used to play at recess? You know, when we would role play. We made up so many different scenarios. Those were good times. We didn’t have a care in the world. It didn’t even matter who was watching either. 

How about when we started playing kick ball. Those were good and bad. I remember when we got into a fight. I hated that time. I hated not talking to you. I mean…. you were my only friend. It took the teacher noticing that we weren’t talking to finally come to our senses. 

I even remember you coming over to my house a lot because you were getting picked on at home and you wanted to learn how to fight. I knew a little bit, so I taught you a few things. I liked those times because it felt nice to be needed for once.

Hell, I even remember our pact that we made. Don’t you? No? You don’t remember us saying that we were going to build a giant metal beetle and travel around the rainforest collecting insects. It sounds silly now, I know, but back then, I seriously wanted to do that. I even collected all the computer parts and metal pieces I found laying around. We were kids then. Just stupid little kids…or were we? 

Then in middle school, it’s like everything just…ended. We suddenly stopped sitting together at lunch. We stopped waving to each other in the hallway. Soon, we just stopped talking to each other all together. What happend? What changed? Is it something that I did, or said? Our friendship just seemed to phase out for no reason at all. 

I hate that term by the way. Phased out…. It’s such a bullshit reason to me. Look man… I’m just writing to say that I miss those times. I miss my friend. I know that you probably don’t even know who I am anymore. Unfortunately for me… I remember you.

It’s my gift you know. My gift is that I remember everything. My curse is that I remember…everything.

-Valken A.K.A. No One Special

Day 1: I’m Doing Alright

You always had to butt into my business. Always worrying about what I was doing. You told me that I needed to stop spending so much money. It’s MY money! Not yours. If I wanna spend it on things I want, then I can. I’ll save when I need to. Just fuck off. I was doing alright without your help.

I don’t need to be told that something is wrong with my stomach. I already know that. You constantly keep telling me to go to the doctor. For what? So they can tell me something I already know? It’s really not THAT bad. I don’t need to waste money in a doctor’s office, when I’m managing my symptoms just fine. Just fuck off. I was doing alright without your help.

So you don’t want me to go to a university right out of highschool? Yeah it’s expensive, but I can get a job to pay for it. I also got a scholarship that gives me a little bit of money to go there. I just want to be with my friends and my girlfriend. At least I’m GOING to college. Oh you think I should stay home and go to community college instead? Just fuck off. I was doing alright without your help…. or was I? Turns out it was me that needed to fuck off. I should have listened. Now it’s too late.

-Valken

The Existential Crisis of a Depressed Man

Yeah… Go ahead. Scoff at this post. Tell me that depression and anxiety aren’t real mental illnesses. Tell me how I just need to let it go. To suck it up. Tell me how I need to just be happy because there are SO many reasons to be. Tell me how I should just be grateful to be alive. 

Yeah because being alive is the BEST thing in the world right? Not in a world where you’re not allowed to feel anything except for what everyone else feels. Like, yeah, you can be sad, but don’t you DARE be depressed. People seem to do a lot of complaining about how other people are depressed. They call them things like “big babies”, or my favorite recent term, “snowflakes.” 

It’s hilarious how people can turn something as beautiful as a snowflake into a derogatory term. Like what the fuck, people? You’d think hearing this shit enough would make me used to it to the point where I don’t care about it anymore, but you know… depression/anxiety. 

People always think that we are this way just for attention. Who the hell would even wanna FAKE this? I’m not one of those people that just self-diagnosed myself with this. I was diagnosed with both in 2007. They started me on Abilify, which I hated by the way. It basically just turned me into a human vegetable. I would just sit there staring off into space with no coherannt thought going through my head. Hmmm… sounds like the same problem I went through before they prescribed that in the first place. After a couple of more years taking a few more medications that I can’t even pronounce, I just sort of have up.

It fucking sucks when you hit that point. You just sort of stop caring. I’ve lost too many friends in my life to this. I don’t blame them. Not really. You can’t really expect anyone to live through that. The constant mood swings. The days where you sleep for 12-16 hours at a time. You can only HOPE they will still be there. So far, I only have 1 friend that I know for a FACT, will never leave. 

When did everyone else stop caring completely? There was a time in my life where I REALLY hit rock bottom and I had to sleep out of my car. I hated it because there were very few parking lots that you were allowed to sleep in. The part that sucked the MOST was, that people never asked if you were alright. No. They just immediately called the cops. Yeah… I’m sorry that I’m scaring you because I’m broke. I can understand that some people aren’t always innocent, but you didn’t even bother to ask. 

I don’t care what you think of me after reading this(Actually I kinda do). The thing is, I’m trying. I’m trying SO fucking hard to feel better about myself. It just takes time and less negative criticism. Anyways… Gotta go. Lunch break over.

-Valken

Silence Is Meant To Be Broken

So this is all I’m to look forward to? I’m supposed to appreciate waking up every day to this? You actually believe that I’m lucky to be alive? Really?!

“At least you’re alive…” “At least you have a job…” “At least you’re not starving…”

Are we not allowed to feel anything anymore? We’re not allowed to feel sad. We’re not allowed to be angry. We’re not allowed to feel lonely. All because there is someone out there that is worse off than we are.

First of all, go fuck yourself! Second of all, I’m pretty sure those people who are worse off, don’t need YOU to be their fucking spokesperson. They are too busy doing what you should be doing, which is worrying about their fucking self. They really don’t have time to worry about anything or anyone else. How do I know, you ask? I know because I’m one of them.

Why can’t people get it in their thick skulls that I notice EVERYTHING? For example, I absolutely hate it when people say “I love everything about you…but…” I guess I’m more of a straight forward type of person. It’s either you love everything about a person, or you don’t. There should be no in-between.

Most nights you will find me sitting in my apartment, throwing back beers like they are bottles of water. Hell anymore, I’ve drank so many, that they actually DO taste like water. I guess it’s safe to say that I’m a little down. A little… That’s a fucking understatement.

Will I ever win? Seems that nothing is ever enough. I’m in school. I have my own place. I have a steady job. Oh, but I have no vehicle, so I’m automatically labeled a loser. Does anyone know how fucking expensive cars are? It’s not like I haven’t been trying because I am. I’m trying so fucking hard. I’ve screwed up so much of my life and it’s hard to bounce back.

Can’t someone; ANYONE, just be proud of me? I mean… Fuck…. I’m sick every damn morning from my Crohn’s disease. I have to give my stomach a pep talk, just to be able to walk the 20 minute trip to work. Yeah I know… It’s a little weird to talk to your stomach, but at this point, I’ll try just about anything.

I’m at the point where it’s difficult just getting out of bed for work. I can’t even get the motivation to do my school work, or clean my apartment. Depression is such an annoying bitch. I don’t know how much longer I can hang on to life.

Eventually my Crohn’s is going to kill me. I’m not just saying that. My intestines are LITERALLY being eatin alive. I’m going to have to get surgery, but all that is going to do is make the inevitable a LITTLE more bearable. I’m getting worse every day. Eventually I won’t be able to leave home at all.

So this it, huh? This is my future? I’m gonna be brutally honest. I truly do not give a shit about people worse off than I am. I am nice to others, which is more than enough with how horrible people are. I hope that one day things will look up for me, despite everything. Until then, Fuck it all, right?

-Valken