30

Auto pilot engage….

Have you ever spaced out for a second?Like maybe you lost a couple of seconds with no idea why? Well… Try spacing out an entire DAY. I still have no idea how I managed to do this. The fucked up part about it is that I ride a bike to work, so I have no idea how I’m even alive. I guess it’s a good thing that I stick to the sidewalk the whole ride.

I’ve had a lot of trouble focusing lately. Mainly on the things that normal adults find important. You know…things like bills, work, eating, sleeping. I SHOULD find those things important, but I have been having trouble caring about any of those things. I think it’s safe to say that things are getting bad again and of course, I don’t know why.

What does it truly mean when some says “grow up”, or “act your age?” A lot of people seem to throw those words around. Most of the time, they are making a lot of the same mistakes that you are. Being an adult doesn’t mean you’re not gonna make any mistakes. It means that when you do, you handle them in a way that isn’t too rash, or destructive. Well… That’s my opinion on it anyway. It’s vague I know, but sometimes it’s hard for me to put things into words.

30 years old. I can’t believe it. Why does it always seem like the years fly by when you don’t want them to? So much has happened in the last 5 years, yet at the same time, nothing has. I still kind of feel like I’m trapped in a stand-still. I have a car, but I haven’t been able to drive it in 3 months. I have an apartment, but it’s with roommates and it’s not technically mine. I feel like I’m doing a lot better than I used to be doing, but that’s only part of the time. The rest of the time, I feel like I’m back to where I started. 

So here’s to another year of life. If that is what you want to call it, I mean. I really hope things will get better from here. That depends on me though I guess. I wish it didn’t. It would be nice to have just a little help along the way. Until then, I guess I will just continue to go along with the motions.

-Valken