Twisted Reflection

Time sort of slows down when you’re stuck inside your head. It almost freezes completely. Like you’re basically just sitting there with a million things going through your head. At least that’s what happens when things get bad for me.

It happens at the most random of times. I could be just stocking things at work, or trying to read a book, sometimes it comes while I’m just sitting around doing nothing. I never know what is going to trigger it, but when it happens a rush of thoughts go through my mind.

Usually thoughts about the past which has me thinking…. Has my past reflected what I am today? Is there really such a thing as karma? If so, does it affect you forever, or is it just temporary? These are the questions that run through my head more than anything else.

I’ve done some bad things in the 32 years I’ve been alive, but I’ve also done some really good things as well. Does the good outweigh the bad? Is that even possible? I seriously hate that I worry about this so much.

I just wish I knew how to make it stop. I’m sick of being a nervous wreck all the time. I’m sick of my friends thinking that I’m flaking out on them. I’ve seen therapists in the past, but it hasn’t really helped. The medications had terrible side effects. I’ve been on too many to count. CBD is helping a little better than the pills, but even IT is just a band aid solution. I just wish I had another way to help relieve my stress and anxiety.

I guess until I find what’s wrong. Like what’s TRUELY wrong with me that makes me this way. Doctors, Therapists… I’ve tried so much for so long and nothing seems to work. I am just tired of being stuck inside my own head all the time. I have nothing but my thoughts and twisted reflections of my past to keep me company. Hell I guess I should be grateful. At least THEY seem to want to stay…. No one else does. No one ever does.

 

 

-Valken

You’re Fucking Hilarious, Cave Man

So I went on this date a few years back. I had been talking to this girl for a few months, so when I finally got the courage I asked her out. It was my first date in over two years, so I thought it would be nice.

So we get our food and we begin to talk about what we liked to do for fun. She was very athletic, so she like running, hiking, bike riding and a lot of other outdoor activities. I live that too, but what I really enjoy is reading and writing.

When I told her this, she had a really disgusted look on her face. She then was like “Who can just sit down and read a book? Like, how is that enjoyable. You really should get out more. Maybe then, you’ll start to enjoy something more constructive.”

That is word for word what she told me. Constuctive. CONSTRUCTIVE???! Last I checked reading is a pretty constructive hobby to have. The way she was talking about it, it was almost as if I offended her.

Look… I have no problem at all if you’re not into the same things as me. If you don’t like reading. Just say you don’t like it. Don’t talk to me as if I have a serious problem because I read for enjoyment. Reading is good for the mind weither you’re reading fiction, or non-fiction.

Needless to say, there wasn’t a second date. Saying that in the way that she did made me immediately lose interest. I’m not so sure that it would worked our anyway because I not only read a lot, I write as well. If she feels that way about people who read, it would probably be the same for someone who writes.

As a writer, support is a very big deal for me. Especially since I also suffer from severe anxiety and depression. No I’m not saying they have to like my writing by any means. I’m just saying don’t rip my soul apart for doing something that gives me even a small sense of comfort. Comfort is hard to come by these days, so I can use all I can get.

Chapter 32: Happy Birthday To Me

So Monday was my 32nd birthday. HOLY. FUCK!!!! 32 fucking years old. I still can’t believe it. Like where had all the time gone? I remember when I was freaking out about turning 18. I would DEFINITELY be understating it by saying that this past year has been interesting.

Since last summer, I’ve lost over 40 pounds. I’ve also dropped two pant sizes and one shirt size. This is a HUGE deal for me because I’ve always been self-conscious about my weight. I move around a lot in my current position at the warehouse, so that helps a lot. I’ve also been biking a lot more than last year. The thing that sucks about that is my legs get bigger, so it makes it hard for me to go past my current pant size.

Alright.. So my birthday. Hands down one of the best birthdays I’ve had in over 5 years. Unfortunately, it didn’t start out so great. My birthday fell on a Monday this year, so I had to work. Work wasn’t too bad, it just sucks more than the others because I never sleep well on Sunday nights. I got through work ok, but when I got home I found that someone stole my bike. Like they stole it chain and all. I don’t understand why people have to be so fucking hateful.

Anyway… That obviously fucked my whole day. Just when I thought my birthday was going to suck, one of my friends from work came to the rescue. I told her about my bike getting stolen and she immediately wanted to help make my day better.

We ended up hanging out for a while. We went to the park and listened to a bunch of music. We went to the highest point where you can see a lot of the town I live in. It was so peaceful there. Like for the first time in a while I felt like I didn’t have to worry about anything.

It didn’t end there. A little later she decided to take me to another place outside of town. We went to this country road that was next to this BEAUTIFUL creek. Like I don’t know how I had never been to this place before.

Words cannot describe how awesome that was. She turned a really shitty day into an amazing one and she didn’t even need to do much. I am blessed to know someone like her. I’ve met SO MANY people that turned out to be shitty indidviduals. I don’t get that feeling with her. It was a great way to bring in my 32nd year of living. I hope she knows how thankful I am.

-Valken