But…This Is What You Wanted. Right?

It really irritates me when people feel the need to tell me I’m quiet as if I don’t already know.  I get quiet when I’m thinking, or simply trying to remember something. Sometimes I’m just wanting silence in general.

It’s actually pretty fucked up when you think about it considering everyone always complained that I talked too much as a child. No one wanted to listen to what I had to say then, so why try to talk to me now? What makes you so interested in what’s on my mind now?

Because of this, I just keep to myself these days. Writing is the best way for me to communicate with people. It’s sad, but it’s the only way I can truly be myself. Well, at least until I find someone that I am comfortable chatting with.

I’ve just been so stressed out and frustrated lately. So much, that it is becoming my permanent state of being. I feel like if I could get laid just one good time, it would help to release the bulk of my stress. Honestly though, the presence of a girl other than at work, would probably help as well. I mean, fuck! It’s been 7 years now.

I just don’t know what the fuck people want from me. They want me to change who I am. I get that. I DO have a few toxic traits that need to be taken care of. I bend over backward, push myself, almost KILL MYSELF to become who they want me to be. Next thing I know, they want me to revert back to the person I used to be. I just can’t catch a fucking break.

These days I’m just fucking sick all of the time. Sick of all the games being played. Sick of not having one good day. Sick of being sad all the time. Sick of being nervous all the time. Sick of being anxious all the time. Sick of always feeling stuck. Sick of always feeling like I’m drowning. Sick of caring so much about people that aren’t worth my time. Sick of trying to please people who will never be satisfied.

I could go on all fucking day with this shit. When does it all end? When will I FINALLY be good enough for someone? When will I FINALLY get a fucking win?  Will I just be in this alone forever? Is this what you wanted? Sure as hell seems that way.

 

 

-Valken