But…This Is What You Wanted. Right?

It really irritates me when people feel the need to tell me I’m quiet as if I don’t already know.  I get quiet when I’m thinking, or simply trying to remember something. Sometimes I’m just wanting silence in general.

It’s actually pretty fucked up when you think about it considering everyone always complained that I talked too much as a child. No one wanted to listen to what I had to say then, so why try to talk to me now? What makes you so interested in what’s on my mind now?

Because of this, I just keep to myself these days. Writing is the best way for me to communicate with people. It’s sad, but it’s the only way I can truly be myself. Well, at least until I find someone that I am comfortable chatting with.

I’ve just been so stressed out and frustrated lately. So much, that it is becoming my permanent state of being. I feel like if I could get laid just one good time, it would help to release the bulk of my stress. Honestly though, the presence of a girl other than at work, would probably help as well. I mean, fuck! It’s been 7 years now.

I just don’t know what the fuck people want from me. They want me to change who I am. I get that. I DO have a few toxic traits that need to be taken care of. I bend over backward, push myself, almost KILL MYSELF to become who they want me to be. Next thing I know, they want me to revert back to the person I used to be. I just can’t catch a fucking break.

These days I’m just fucking sick all of the time. Sick of all the games being played. Sick of not having one good day. Sick of being sad all the time. Sick of being nervous all the time. Sick of being anxious all the time. Sick of always feeling stuck. Sick of always feeling like I’m drowning. Sick of caring so much about people that aren’t worth my time. Sick of trying to please people who will never be satisfied.

I could go on all fucking day with this shit. When does it all end? When will I FINALLY be good enough for someone? When will I FINALLY get a fucking win?  Will I just be in this alone forever? Is this what you wanted? Sure as hell seems that way.

 

 

-Valken

Day 91: Does Anyone Even Read These?

I’m liking my new job at this hardware warehouse so far. It doesn’t stress me out near as much as my old job at the college. Mainly because at this job, I don’t have someone constantly breathing down my neck.

Speaking of which, I recently found out the dickhead chef that I used to work for there, ended up quitting shortly after I did. Turns out, I wasn’t the only one who quit on him. During the meeting that I walked out of, he lost another 60% of his other cooks. Never in my life have I known someone that an ENTIRE TOWN hated. He was literally ran out of town. He moved to Texas or something. Good riddance.

Anyways… So my job is broken up into zones. There are like 8 that I know of and I am qualified to work like 5 of the 8. I like just about all of the zones except zone 4. Zone 4 is filled with all of the painting tools, door thresholds, galvanized and plastic pipes, etc. There are also a lot of metal bars and tubes that are really sharp around the edges. Some of them are so long, that they hang over the edge of the shelf. I am pretty sure that this zone was made and stocked by Vlad The Impaler.

Apart from that, my job is super simple. It can get a bit exhausting at times though because there are a lot of heavy boxes to lift is zones 3 and 5. 3 has all of the shovels, ladders, water heaters, and glass. 5 has a lot of miscellaneous items along with different paints and paint thinner. All I have to do is scan the item, put a ticket on it and take it to its appropriate area to be sent out for delivery. I get paid 12.84 an hour and I get paid WEEKLY. I love that so much because it helps me save money better, since I’m usually too tired to go out and spend money after work anyway. Getting paid weekly is a bit of a rarity where I live.

It’s been a great month working there so far. I do have to keep an eye on things like my speed and accuracy there, but they are pretty reasonable with the numbers you have to beat. I work Monday through Friday and get the weekends off.  I usually work from 6 to 3:30 Monday through Wednesday. Thursdays and Friday are our short days. We get off at 12:30 both days. This week will be awesome because I get Christmas Eve and Christmas off, so you know what that means…. FOUR DAY WEEKEND! I have no idea what I am gonna do this weekend, or Christmas. I hope all of you have a merry Christmas! I will now be posting every Friday, so look for my next post next week. Merry Christmas everyone!

 

 

-Valken

Day 59: Where Was I Again?

Oh yeah…

So… It’s terrifying walking in my neighborhood at night.  I live off of a highway in a very small town. There are a lot of woodsy areas around me filled with animals that I really wouldn’t want to have attack me in the dark. Mainly skunks and raccoons, but we sometimes get the occasional coyote. There are also no lights until you get close to the Walmart across the street from me and it’s a ways down. It’s odd though… It’s not the sounds at night that creep me out. In fact, there really isn’t any sound at all. It’s always pretty quiet. That is what freaks me out the most. I would never walk or ride at night if I didn’t have my Motion City Soundtrack playlist.

They have become my new favorite band. Never have I listened to an album where I relate to EVERY song. I have listened to all of their albums to date and that is still the case. It’s actually interesting how I found them. No one told about this band. Let me take you back to 2010.

I was working at Wal-Mart at the time. Life was a hell of a lot harder than. I had just recently moved out of my parent’s house and moved in with a few people that I worked with. It wasn’t long before all of my roommates ditched me in an $1100 a month house that I couldn’t afford to pay for by myself. I worked in Electronics, so I got to be next to all the CDs and DVDs. 

Anyways, I had kept walking by a specific album by Motion City Soundtrack titled “My Dinosaur Life.” The cover art was kinda cool. It had this green cartoon Dinosaur on it. I thought it looked pretty cool, so I bought it. 

Usually, I check songs out before I just buy full albums, but I thought “What the heck. I’m just gonna give it a shot. They had me hooked from the very first song. It was titled “Worker Bee.” The first verse goes like this. “It’s been a good year. A good new beginning. I’m through with the oldschool, so let’s commence the winnings. I’ve been a good little worker bee. I deserve a gold star.” 

These guys are all adults singing about life and how they haven’t quite figured it out yet. I relate to that on a spiritual level. Every song on their first CD depictided my life to a T… It was almost as if they were singing about me and my life. 

This band has made my life 1000% easier to deal with. It basically teaches me that it’s not really that bad that I still haven’t figured life out yet. Anyone who reads this should really check them out. My favorite song by them is titled “Timelines.” It’s a song off of their album titled “Go.” Check them out. 
-Valken The Centenar